Lorelei

Hiking the Kilauea Iki Trail

The second day in the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, we decided to hike the Kilauea Iki Trail.  The trail starts on the rim of the Kilauea Iki Crater which erupted in 1959 and has now cooled.  We started out walking on the rim through the rainforest.  It had rained the night before and it was a beautifully sunny morning.  The sun shone off the moist trees and everything glistened and smelled incredibly fresh.  Steam was rising from the earth.  We could hear the sounds of many different birds.

As we walked down toward the dormant crater, we were treated to spectacular views.

We walked down into the crater.  The first part was desolate and flat.

As we walked farther, we went over hills and chunks of a'a, a type of lava.  We saw the area where the explosion happened.

Then, we hiked back up to the rim.  It was one of the most beautiful hikes I can ever remember.

Staying near Hawaii Volcanoes National Park on the Big Island

Ever since I came to the Big Island of Hawaii with a tour group in 2006, I wanted to bring my husband here to see the geology.  It is so fascinating to see new earth forming with hot lava.  Last time I came, I actually was able to see the lava flow bright orange against the dark sky.  This time, you cannot see it up close, but we did see the caldera above glowing orange at night from the bubbling lava below.

There is something essential and primal about seeing an island that is still churning and forming.  We walked past steam vents and rocks colored by sulphur.

Since we are staying on the other side of the island where there is sun and beaches, we decided to stay one night here so we don't have to make the three hour drive back home.

We picked the Volcano Inn and ended up in the middle of the rain forest surrounded by huge ferns and listening to the rain on the roof all night.

This fern-lined path leads from our door to a hot tub nestled in the ferns. It is cozy and intimate.

Off to hike more today in the park!

Last Conversation Before Stroke

Here I am prior to my first conversation with Mom.  I look too young to be speaking yet, but happy to be in her arms.  I don't know exactly when I started talking, but my Mom didn't start talking until she was almost three years old.  They thought something was wrong with her, but she was not ready yet and then one day she just started talking.

Mom originally went in the hospital on April 17th because she thought she was having a heart attack.  That is what the doctor told my sister.  It was not a heart attack, but it was pericarditis, which is inflammation of the tissues around the heart.  This condition does cause chest pain.  I talked to her doctor and he thought she would be out of the hospital the next day, but she was not.

They were having trouble getting her heartbeat under control.  They kept mentioning A-fib which is short for atrial fibulation and means irregular heartbeat.  When I looked it up online, it does say it increases the risk of stroke.  The risk is seven times that of the normal population.  They were giving her medication to try and control it, but they were having a hard time getting the medication to work.  A third of all people who have strokes are people who have A-fib. 

I guess I should have looked it up earlier online before the stroke so I would have been prepared, but can anyone be prepared--really? 

I live in Calfornia and Mom lives in Missouri.  I called her every day she was in the hospital.  On the morning of April 22, the day she would have the stroke,  I asked how she was doing and she told me she was exhausted.  Her roomate had a "code blue" and the lights were on in her room most of the night and there were all kinds of people running in and out.  She had requested a private room.  She also wanted a private nurse and we worked out some of the details of that.  She asked about my life and somehow we got on the subject of breastfeeding.  She told me that she followed the regimen of breastfeeeding me every four hours because that is what the doctor told her to do.  But, I was such a big baby and I was screaming for food.  She felt so guilty listening to me scream.  She should have fed me more often.  I told her to let it go.  I turned out fine.  I said I loved her and would call her tomorrow and I hung up.

At eight-thirty that night California time, my sister called to tell me that Mom had a stroke and was in ICU.  She was paralyzed on her right side, her throat was paralyzed so she needed a feeding tube and she could not speak.  She was responding to yes/no questions with hand squeezes.  I was totally in shock.

My first response was to fly back to St. Louis, but somehow that didn't feel right.  My sister is doing an awesome job of dealing with things as well as Mom's cousin, Neal.  I have been spending alot of time working with my inituition and my inner knowing so I decided to trust it and not try and figure it out.  I have been living in a fog, going through the motions--shaky, rattled and overwhelmed trying to help my sister with as many details as possible.

I told my husband Michael that I wish I had known it was my last conversation before her stroke.  I  know it may not be the last conversation ever.  The doctors have told me that she can work with a speech therapist to recover her speech, but they admit that it will be a while before she can talk again and when she does it will not be the same as before.  Michael asked me what I would have said to her if I had known.  He thinks if I all of a sudden had this "deep" conversation like she was going to have a stroke or die, she would not have liked that.  What would I have said differently?  I thought about that.

Maybe it would have gone something like this:

I love you Mom.  Even though you started talking late in life, you clearly love the English language which I can see in your beautiful poetry and hear in your voice.  I like how you pick out the most exquisite words with care.  I am sorry I have taken for granted being able to talk any time we want.

I know how much you love me.  You are always showering me with your love.  I am so grateful for that and it really makes a difference in my life.  I can feel your concern when you pray for me when I am sick and I can feel your love and excitement with every little accomplishment that I make.  I love writing poetry with you and am grateful for the books of my poetry that you so lovingly put together each year on my birthday.

You did a good job Mom.  We all make mistakes parenting, but I want you to know that you did the most important thing and that is letting me know that you love me.  I always knew and I still do.

I talk to Mom in my head now.  I have conversations with her throughout the day.  I mostly tell her that I love her.  I also share with her the little things--how pretty the flowers are in my yard, how Sarah is coming home from law school and I am looking forward to seeing her, how much I love my work and my life.  It is a running dialogue in my head, but it is not the same...

My sister said that Mom's cell phone was ringing off the hook until everyone was told what had happened.  Now it is up to us to guess what she would say, what she wants and what she needs.

Here is a poem she wrote during a free write we did together February 12, 2012 a month after she had a pacemaker put in her heart.  It is in response to Marie Howe's poem Sometimes the Moon Sat in the Well at Night.   Mom had no title to her poem, but I have taken the liberty of making one.

Sometimes my Heart Sits in the Well at Night

Sometimes my heart sits in the well at night

and sometimes the beat stirs too fast

and other times the water becomes still

as moonlight and begins to wobble

as if the wind blows through my chest

 

I feel the metal firm against my pidgin chest

and note the rocks where I have stumbled

and I realize this is no ordinary time,

this is a time where I value every moment,

every word, and notice the sheen of the time

machine and the valentines on my cup

every letter has meaning.  I chose a therapist,

Alice Aslin as I liked the alliteration in her

name like all the w's in Howe's moon poem.

I noticed the full paper moon, the daytime

transparency and feel the floating thoughts

within my heart beating and the stiffness

in my body when I stand, walk or circle,

I circle each morning in Qi Qong and many

evenings, for the chi energy to move as it

moves like a wand through  my heart and

the moons spill energy and I risk, push

myself like a broom walking to be engaged

in pools of light and activity, making metaphors

of fish images and sitting in the well of night

and knowing gratitude creates a happy skirt

but  I want to swirl in the stream, paddle

through rivers, laugh about family, cooking

in tender as the bone and witticism of A Small planet,

all life's coincidences.

 

New Beginnings

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

- For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

-It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

-Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plentitude opening before you.

-Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

-Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

-John O'Donohue

Remembering Hotch

Selwyn Hotchner

1923-2012

When my friend David called last Thursday to tell me that my dear friend Selwyn Hotchner (Hotch) had died, it was not a huge surprise because he had been very ill for a long time.  He had three strokes and this past year he could not walk or read and was in a wheelchair needing constant care.  All the same, I will miss him terribly. 

I remember our last visit which was Thanksgiving weekend of 2011.  My husband Michael was with me.  Hotch was trying to participate in the conversation, but he kept losing his train of thought.  So, we started playing this game where Hotch would start a sentence and Michael would finish it for him.  He playfully asked Michael if he could stick around and be his "sentence finisher". 

I first met Hotch when I was a junior in high school.  My memory is fuzzy going back so far, but I think I was with their son Kirby.  I remember Kirby carrying a microscope and a dead animal home to finish a lab he was doing at school.  But, that doesn't make sense.  I don't think they would let you take an expensive microscope with you (or a dead animal for that matter).  Memory is a funny thing.  One thing that is clear as a bell though are the feelings I experienced when Hotch's wife Beverly (Bev) opened the door with Hotch standing behind her.  There was a connection immediately and from that day forward I felt as welcome in their home as I did in my own.

Their sons Kirby and Brad were a part of a social group that I hung out with in high school.  The group also included my friends David, Scott, Buddy and the other girl in the group--Claude.  I was the president of American Field Service (AFS) my senior year.  That is a group that coordinates foreign exchange students and Claude came to stay for a year from Paris, France.  She originally went to a small town of Wentzville, Missouri and that did not work out for her so she was transferred to our neighbors, the Garbers, in University City, Missouri.  Bev and Hotch were very active in AFS.  They hosted two students--Joachim from Germany and Vincent from Belgium.  Hosting means the students lived with them for a year.  They also helped a student Ruthie, (from Eritrea) who was living with a neighbor, get her citizenship and move to the Unisted States.

Bev and Hotch had huge hearts and became like second parents to me.  They loved to have a great time and party down and they also could be serious and wanted to know everything that was going on in my life.  They were great listeners and I knew they really cared.  Bev was a therapist and she and Hotch also gave relationship workshops together.

Hotch worked for the Eagle Stamp Company for many years.  The Eagle Stamp got their start with May Company department stores at the end of the 19th century to encourage people to shop there.  In St. Louis, the Eagle Stamp was a stamp you received for purchasing at Famous-Barr, a department store chain.  You pasted them in booklets and then when you got enough booklets, you could redeem them for merchandise.  According to an article I just read on the internet, Famous-Barr issued them for decades and didn't stop until the 1980's.  But, Hotch's true love was humor.  He was always talking in puns.  He had an endless supply of them and prided himself in getting as many puns into the conversation as possible.  His dream was to write his own comic strip for the newspaper.  I know that he wrote one because I saw the pictures, but I am not sure if it ever got published.  He was a very talented artist and writer.  It runs in the family.  His brother is the famous author, A.E. Hotchner.

I was not the only young person that Bev and Hotch nurtured and mentored.  There were many and we all loved to gather at their home on Christmas Eve for the annual tree decorating paty.  Most of us were Jewish, but that didn't matter.  It was a Hotchner tradition to go to the Christmas tree lot on Christmas Eve, buy a tree, and have a tree decorating party.  I would go every year.  After I left for the University of Missouri, I would come back to St. Louis for the holidays and look forward to the Christmas tree decoration party at their house.  The only year I took pictures of the event was in 1984, the year after my husband Michael and I got married and before kids,  We sure look awfully young!

Michael, David Prelutsky and Ruthie with the tree before we got started.

 David., their son Brad, me and Ruthie decorate the tree.

I loved putting on the lights.

There was plenty of dancing and having a good time.

 

 Bev and Hotch in front of the beautiful, finished tree.

I think we had a party in their house every year until they sold the house and moved into a smaller condo.

Hotch loved to give advice and my favorite piece of advice that he gave me was to always remember my roots.  Where I was born and raised is an important part of who I am.  I have never forgotten that.

I visited Bev and Hotch almost every time I came back to St. Louis.  Sometimes, if it was  a family event, I did not have time.  But I always made the effort to see them if at all possible.  They invited my family over one year for the Christmas tree party and my sister invited them to a special birthday party she threw for me in St. Louis many years back.

They are both like family to me and I cherish our relationship.  Several years ago, I went back to St. Louis to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  I put together a scrapbook, presented it to them and told them how I used their marriage as a model of how to be in my marriage which so far has lasted 28 years.

Here, their son Brad is reading them a piece that he wrote for them. 

Brad, David and me at their 50th wedding anniversary celebration.

I won't be able to make it back to St. Louis for the memorial but I still want to honor Hotch's memory.  One thing I wanted to do is write this blog and share my memories of him.  I also put up a shrine for him in my room.

Every day since his death, I empty this glass of water and refill it.  Then, I look at his picture and tell him how much I love him.  I encourage him to go towards the light. 

I am allowing myself time to grieve.  This beautiful card by the author Karla McLaren helps me with my grieving process.  She says that the river of tears that we shed with our grief helps the departed get to the other side.

THE WELL OF GRIEF

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief

turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe

will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for something else.

~ David Whyte

I also have this list of puns on my shrine because I know that Hotch would not want me to be too serious all the time.  Laughter and levity were a constant in his life.  My favorite of the puns I found above is:

When William joined the army, he disliked the phrase "fire at will".

The love that Hotch gave me will always be there inside of me and I cherish his memory.  May you rest in peace Hotch.  Know that you made a difference in my life.

 

Sitting with Uncertainty

Stopping the rushing
Sitting with uncertainty
Not an easy task.

I had two car accidents this week and with one of them my car had the accident without me.  Last Monday, I was getting off the exit of the freeway ready to make a right turn. I looked to the left and there were no cars coming, so I accelerated and bam!  I didn't realize there was a car stopped in front of me.  The car was a huge SUV and there was a small scratch on the rear bumper.  I didn't even look at my car, but went running over to her to apologize.  I was absolutely mortified.  When I called to tell my husband about the accident, he asked me if there was any damage to my car.  I was late to work and I didn't think there was any damage, so I texted "no".

When I had a break at lunch, I went out to my car and looked at my little Honda.  I was shocked!

This is a picture of a car similiar to mine--a Honda Accord 2002 Special Edition.  I love my car.  It has over 100,000 miles on it, runs like a dream and is paid off. 

The hood was buckled and the right front headlight had popped out slightly.  There was a hole in the front grid. :(

I spent hours on the phone with my insurance and the car rental company and then the next day, I spent about half a day in the car rental shop.  But, I finally came out with a nice car.  It was a 2012 Honda Civic with about 4,000 miles on it. I have been driving it around hoping it would not take too long to fix my car.

Then, last Friday, I was getting ready to leave my house.  I jumped in the rental car and turned it on and opened the garage door and then I remembered that this new car had a special plug for my IPOD.  I jumped out and left the car idling to run upstairs to get my IPOD.  What I did not realize is that I had left the car in reverse.  When I came back downstairs, the rental car was not in my garage anymore.  It was across the street mashed against a tree. I was shaking and in shock.  Yes, I did have rental car insurance.  But, I felt like such an idiot.  What is the lesson here?

• Move slower
• Pay attention
• Don't hurry
• Focus on one thing at a time

Holy Moly.  The universe was certainly trying to tell me something. I am grateful that I was not hurt in either accident.  And still...I really don't want to get in a car again for a long, long time.  That not being an option, I have recommitted myself to slowing down and sitting with uncertainty.

I have been watching a DVD by Pema Chodron called Smile At Fear.  She talks about being a spiritual warrior.  The challenge to slowing down and spending time focused within is that we have to face our own fear and uncertainty.  Pema counsels that we don't have to take on too much at once.  We can just touch that soft, vulnerable place lightly and allow ourselves to feel, feel, feel.  She says we can take it in sips --a little bit at a time--and breathe.

And so I am sitting, sitting, sitting--breathing, breathing breathing.   Wow.  Not easy.  The feeling is so huge that there is not enough room to contain it inside of me so I need to try to open up my pores to let it all in.

No matter how much I plan and try to control my life, I am not in control.  I really don't know what is going to happen next.  That freaks me out.  To be honest..it feels really, really scary.  It feels like hard to catch my breath, bone rattling scary.

I am not living in Iran without electricity, or drunk on skid row, or in prison with no chance of parole.  I remember seeing a gorgeous looking young man in his early 20s on a documentary on Oprah recently.  He was in prison for a robbery for life without possibility of parole.  He was volunteering in the prison hospice with the dying prisoners hoping to make the end a little easier for them.  That really broke my heart watching that show.

My life is not that bleak.  Actually, I like my life.  When I found out I had skin cancer.  I decided I wouldn't want to be doing anything differently with my life.  Well, if someone offered me an all expenses paid trip to Europe for a month, I would not turn them down.  But, you  know what I mean..I am doing work I love.  I have a terrific mate.  I am not hurting financially.  I live in a beautiful place....

Here is the thing...I want to know what happens in the future or at least have some control over what happens.  Pema says most of us do and it is the hardest thing to face that uncertainty.  That is why there are so many wars and so much unhappiness. (One of the reasons anyway).  People don't want to go inside and face the uncertainty.  It takes a certain amount of bravery and self-confidence.  It takes a willingness to look the whatever it is in the face and breathe it in and say "OK.  I know that I do not know what is going to happen next.  I just don't know.  I am not going to run away and watch TV, or drink myself into oblivion, or surf the internet.  I am just going to sit here and acknowledge this place."

My father-in-law turns 90 years old in May.  We have planned a birthday party for him and I got the word two days ago that he is in the hospital with pneumonia.  We don't know what is going to happen.  It is painful not to know, but it is the truth.

It is important to trust.  There are no answers for the hard questions and for the painful situations, but I can have love and compassion and trust that everything will unfold as it should and remember that I am not in charge.

 

Learning Japanese

 

March 11, 2012 is the one year anniversary of the Japanese earthquake, tsunami and  nuclear power disaster.  My husband, Michael, is an environmental engineer and his company recently won a contract to help with the clean up from that disaster.  His company will be cleaning up the nuclear waste near Fukoshima, Japan.  He has not gone to Japan yet, but he may go in the future and I may have the opportunity to visit him.  So, the two of us decided to take a Japanese conversation class together at our local community college.

Our teacher is from Japan and is as focused on teaching us Japanese culture as well as the lanugage.  I find it fascinating.  We are learning about:

 

 

 

 

Haiku--We read the famous Japanese haiku writers and their beautiful poems in Japanese.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Origami--We learned how to fold an origami crane and the story of the 1000 cranes.  If you learn that someone is sick, you can get together with a group of people and fold 1000 cranes for them as a healing.

 

 

 

 

 

Shakuhachi flute --We had someone come to class and play the shakuhachi flute for us.  It sounds gorgeous and the instrument itself is beautiful.

 

 

 

 

Anime:   It is a fascinating art

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ikebana--Japanese flower arrangement

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beauty of the Japanese tea ceremony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Japanese martial arts:  aikido, jyudo and karate.

 

 

 

 

 

 There is much to learn about the Japanese culture and it is completely different from my Eastern European Jewish culture.  In the Japanese culture, it is unacceptable to interrupt anyone when they are speaking or to argue or disagree with them.  Whereas in my Jewish culture, it is exactly the opposite.  You are expected to interrupt and to question everything. That may be an adjustment for me, but I am determined to do my best to respect their culture.. 

Greetings are very important in Japan and being polite is expected.  You do not pry into people's lives, especially when it comes to health.  It is also proper to do formal introductions and to bow to each other when meeting.

In the beginning, when Michael and I were practicing the bow, we kept bumping heads, but things are improving :) 

Many aspects of the Japanese culture are similiar to the Deaf culture.  One thing that fascinated me is that feedback while you are communicating is crucial to the Deaf community.  Some examples of this are good eye contact and head nodding. The Japanese have a similiar language etiquette called aizuchi where you have agreement interjections during the conversation to let the person know you are following them.  If you don't do this, they will think something is seriously wrong.

The Japanese have words for things we do not have words for.  For example, every time before you eat you say Itadakimasu and after you eat Gochisosamadeshita.  Tadaima means I am home and Okaerinasai  means happy you are home.  Michael and I have fun practicing with these phrases.  We open up the up the door when we go in the house and announcing with glee-TaDAIma!

You can write Japanese with English letters and that is called Romanji, but we want to read and write basic Japanese as well.  We want to understand the road signs when we are there.  To do this, we got children's workbooks to start with the first of several ways to write Japanese called Hirigana.

It is an art to learn Hiragana.  I am finding much enjoyment in drawing the characters and letting my pencil flow.  A part of me is intimidated, but I am working on letting that go and totally getting in to the fun of drawing.  It is fascinating to see the art unfold.  I can't imagine writing full words, but I am just taking it one step at a time.

This is the sound of a: (a short vowel a sound)

You can see here two words that use the sound a  --ai means love and akai means red. 

In the beginning, we made the mistake of trying to learn the language on our own through a DVD called Human Japanese, but found it too difficult.  You really need a class because the culture is so imbedded in the language.  You can't really separate them.  Our teacher is from Japan and very knowledgeable about both.

Learning a new language feels exciting because I am keeping my mind active and alive.  I like that feeling.  Now I will see if I will have the opportunity to go to Japan and put what I am learning into practice.

Loving Reading

I have been home sick the last couple of days and find myself really enjoying reading.  I remember that I used to read one book at a time, putting it down and then coming back to it until I was finished.  But, now it is commonplace for me to have five to six books (or more) going at the same time--fiction and non-fiction.  I want to get as many books read as I can.  There is so much wonderful information and so many delightful stories out there and I don't want to miss any of it!

I love to read memoirs.  I think one of the reasons is that I would like to write my own and I am curious what people choose to focus on.  This book, Life Itself, came from Ebert's blog and some of it is taken from there verbatim.  He focuses on a wonderful, healthy childhood and great friendships he has had through the years.  I would have liked to have read more about his wife Chaz.  She sounds like a real gem. I loved his descriptions of his travels, especially to Europe.  He goes into detail about his favorite hotel in London and walking the streets for hours.  I appreciated his honesty about his illnesses including alcoholism and cancer.  

I started the first book of a series by Diana Gabaldon.  It is called Outlander as it is a time travel story that takes place in Scotland in the mid eighteenth century.  She starts out in the 20th century and then goes back in time.  This story has everything from medical knowledge (she is a nurse), witchcraft, intense love story, and many of the politics between England and Scotland at the time.  Sometimes, the violence became too much for me.  But, I loved the beautiful love story and the back drop of Scotland and England.  One of my favorite parts is to imagine what it must be like to live in a time when there are no freeways or cars or pollution as we know it today.  She descibes the countryside in such detail that I can almost see it before my eyes.  I listened to the first part of this on CD and then read the second half. I loved the accent of the narrator, but I also loved being able to read it as well and go at my own pace.

 

The Language of Emotions:  What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You by Karla McLaren takes you on a fascinating inner journey.  This book is teaching me how to embrace my feelings one at a time.  After years of repressing them or expressing them inappropriately it is so refreshing to have an alternative.  Karla discourages the use of affirmations or any other "New Age" technique that may try to erase emotions.  She believes every single emotion has a message to give you.  You need to get the message first before you let the emotion go.  She asks you to "follow the tracks into the heart of the trouble" which I have found so far to be a fascinating journey.  

Having spent most of my life trying to deal with repetitive worrying, her techniques are effective and refreshing.  They are helping me to establish a whole new way of viewing and dealing with my emotions and my life.  As I follow and accept my emotions, they have a way of resolving themselves naturally which is healing and awe-inspiring.

She works with imagery and energy to ground yourself daily.  She teaches you how to do conscious complaining to get your gripes out with no one else around.  Her practice of rejuvenation where you imagine a beautiful place and take yourself there is blissful.  It has also inspired me to actually revisit some of my favorite spots.  I recently got directions to my favorite swimming hole near Ashland, Oregon and plan to go there this summer. 

Preceding Part II is this classic Rumi poem that I love:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

We are coming up on the year anniversary of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami that devastated the country and changed the earth's rotation around the sun. 

My husband Michael, who is an environmental engineer, recently won a contract to clean up several of the twelve towns that have been completely evacuated until they can be clean enough for people to return.  In order to do that, everything must be cleaned up.  All the houses have to be demolished and every piece of dirt, tree, mountainside, park. etc. must be checked for nuclear contamination.  Michael may be going to Tokyo to help administer the contract and depending on how long he is there, I may go visit as well.  We have both decided to learn as much as we can about the Japanese langauge and culture.

 

We are taking a six week class at the local community college to learn some basic conversational Japanese phrases.  The teacher recommended this book about the culture which is written by an American businessman who has spent over 30 years in Japan. 

This book is a quick and easy read and really gives me a flavor of the culture.  It is very different from my Jewish culture.  For starters, no interrupting or disagreeing in public.  That is going to take some holding back on my part!  I am learning how and when to bow,

how to navigate public transportation at rush hour and the various types of tea ceremonies.

I hope I get a chance to experience this fascinating culture.

I have always had an interest in alternative healing.  This book is a series of case histories of patients that have been cured of every illness imaginable at a hospital in China where they do qigong six to eight hours a day.  Most of the people are severely ill and have come here as a last ditch effort to survive. 

It is a true testament to the body's natural power to heal itself.  I like to read it to remind myself of that.  There is also an accompanying DVD that teaches the techniques that were used at the hospital.  I am enjoying learning those as well.

Feel free to share with me books that you are enjoying right now.

Grateful To Be Alive

I called the doctor's office on Friday.  I couldn't bear the thought of going through the weekend not knowing the results.  The woman who answered the phone looked in the fax machine and told me the cancer was all gone.  They got it all out.  I asked her if that was it and she said that is it. I go back to get my stitches out in two weeks and I am done.  Wow.

I could have died, but they caught it early so I am not dying yet.  Time to go back to a normal life.  Funny thing is I feel differently than I did before.

The amaryllis flowers in my office are so beautiful that they take my breath away.  I sit staring at them in wonder.

I sit outside in the sun marveling at the beauty of the day.  I feel the wind on my face caressing my cheeks and I focus on breathing in the air.  It smells so sweet.  The grass beneath my feet feels spongy and squishy as my toes curl into it. 

I drive home from work and gape at the sunset.  There is so much I have taken for granted that I am overwhelmed.  I have been so lost in thought in my own little world that I have not appreciated all that I have just living on this beautiful planet.

My sister sent me this beautiful CD to help people heal.  I listened to it lying in bed and chills ran through me.  I lay there entranced.

I made a blackberry crisp and let the vanilla ice cream melt over the top.  The blackberries were so big and juicy and it tasted so good.  I got every last bite and then I licked the bowl.

I thanked God many times, but it doesn't seem enough the say thank you.  What else can I do?

Is there something more I need to do to be of service, to help others, to be more compassionate, more loving, to make more of a difference in the world?  I am not sure, but that is one question I want to ask.  Maybe I will get an answer.

 

One thing I am committed to is telling people to learn how to check their skin and go into their doctor for regular skin check ups.  The above video educates you on how to check your skin for early, curable melanoma.  Both my children have agreed to get checked.

Sometimes, I forget to be grateful and slip into my old ways.  I remind myself that I am alive and I caught the cancer early and that is enough of a miracle to be grateful for--for a long, long time.

 

Melanoma

I woke up at 2:30 am this morning terrified that I was going to die soon.  Nothing I did would dissapate my fear.  I tried all the tricks of relaxation and meditation.  I listened to guided imagery.  The fear consumed me like a black octopus inside my chest spreading its tentacles throughout my body. 

I want to see my children get married and be successful in their careers.  I want to meet my grandchildren.  I want to continue my work as a sign language interpreter.  I am not the best interpreter in the world, but I love what I do. I hope that for the Deaf person I am interpreting for at that moment in time, I am making a difference.  I hope I am bridging that gap so that they can understand and communicate.  I want to be of service in the world and spread love and compassion.  I want to have fun with my husband and travel the world. I want to learn--so many things I want to learn.  I am not ready to stop living. 

Two months ago, I noticed a spot on my right butt cheek that was itching.  It was a light blue color and it was bothering me.  A few days later, when I went to see my Chinese doctor for acupuncture, I showed her the spot.  She told me to go to the skin doctor and get it checked out.  If it was bothering me, they could just take it off.  So, I called a skin doctor who was recommended by my family doctor.  It took me a month to get an appointment.

When I arrived at the office, I took off all my clothes and put on a hospital gown.  An intern came in and looked me over.  She said she did not notice anything suspicious.  A few minutes later, the doctor came in.  He looked me over as well and I was expecting him to say the same thing.  He looked at the spot that had been bothering me (it was no longer itching) and told me it was just calcium deposits.  Then, he focused in on a small brown spot on my upper right thigh.  It was not perfectly round, but a bit misshapen.   The color was not a perfect brown.  It was darker on the outside and lighter in the middle.  He asked me if this spot had changed recently.  I told him that I could not remember.  He said that he didn't think it was a concern, but he could not rule it out so he wanted to do a biopsy.  Before I left, he emphasized again that he did not want me to worry--the chances of it being a "problem" (he did not mention the "C" word) were minimal. 

I waited ten days.  On Monday January 23rd, I had a particularly difficult day at work.  I normally work 20-25 hours a week and the previous week, I had worked almost 50 hours.  For a sign language interpreter that is really too much.  On that day, there was some conflicts and challenges as well in addition to the quantity of work.  I came home physically and emotionally exhausted and there were two messages on my home machine.  One was from the doctor asking me to call him.  The other was from the nurse telling me I needed to come in for surgery.  Neither one mentioned a diagnosis, but it didn't take a genius to figure out that it wasn't good.

It was after five pm, so I had to wait until the following day to talk to anyone.  I called the first thing in the morning and got my diagnosis of melanoma.  I scheduled my surgery and then looked it up online.  It was pretty terrifying.  The pictures alone were enough to make me gasp.  I had always felt compassion and concern for other people who were diagnosed with cancer, but now it was my turn.  It was alot to wrap my head around.  I called my husband Michael and other friends for support, but mostly I was numb and shaken. 

At two that afternoon, I finally got a hold of the doctor and he told me that we had caught the cancer early.  It was a thin layer sitting on the surface of the skin and it did not look like it had spread.  He thought we could take care of it in one surgery.  I asked him if he was sure.  After all, he had originally told me that he didn't think there was any need for concern.  He told me that nothing is100%, but it looked like it was in the early stage--stage 1A.

I got home and looked up melanoma.  It is the fastest growing and most deadly skin cancer.  Thousands of people die from it every year.  That is the truth-- the bare, honest, ugly truth.  It was hard to let that truth hit home and really enter my being.  I had recently gone out with a friend to dinner and she told me she had melanoma.  I had been compassionate and concerned.  She also contacted me later to let me know that they got it all out in surgery and she was fine.  But this was not a friend now, this was me.

Michael had been out of town now for almost three weeks.  It is the longest time in 28 years of marriage that we had ever been apart.  He flew home to be there for my operation last Friday afternoon.  The doctor drew a circle around my biopsy and then showed me how much skin he was going to take out. It looked like a shape of a football around the spot.   He explained that they needed to be aggressive to make sure they got the cancer competely out.  He put the numbing medication in me and then asked if I was numb.  I had no idea.  He started the operation, but it turned out I was not completely numb.  I  screamed and then I apologized.  (In retrosepct, it was the doctor who should have apologized, but he did not).  He put more numbing medicine in and told me that should be enough.  I was still not completely numb.  At that point, the operation was almost over, but when I felt the pain, I went into shock.  My body started shaking. I got very cold and I started crying and could not stop.  At this point, I went with the shaking and crying and did not apologize.  I had never been in shock before and there was a part of me that was fascinated and in awe with the way the body takes care of itself to deal with the shock.  It is such an automatic reaction. I did not resist. 

When are we taught that it is not allright to honor pain?  That it is not OK to cry or scream when we are in pain?  That we need to be brave and tough it out?  I noticed that engrained in me.  I decided that I am not going to apologize again for crying or screaming if I am in pain.  The image came to me of a little child screaming when they get a shot and then being fine a few minutes later.  Or, being in labor and screaming and grunting with the contractions.  I allowed myself to scream and cry and shake.  Then after a few minutes of that, it was done.  I was shaky and exhausted, but the pain was gone. 

My scar is about two and a half inches long on the top of my right thigh.  I told my husband that it is no big deal as long as the cancer is gone and I can live.  But, this morning when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about how the scar would look with my bathing suit on.

There was not much pain after the operation was over.  In fact, I welcomed the small amount of throbbing pain that was there.  It was an indication to me that I was alive and I could feel and surprisingly there was a gratefulness for that.

If I have to have another operation, I will not use that same doctor.  That being said, I still am grateful for the medical profession and their ability to diagnose and do what is necessary to get the cancer out.  I am also grateful that we have the ability to find out if we got all the cancer out or not.

Now I have to wait for the results.

Others who have had this cancer tell me this is the hardest part.  The waiting.  Why does it take so long?  How many pieces of skin can there be for the lab technicians to analyze?

I have told many friends and family members about my melanoma diagnosis.  Some people are more secretive about their medical issues and that is their right.  I guess I am one of those who wants to share and get support. 

Many people have told me  "Oh, I am sure it will be fine."  "It sounds like it won't be a problem."  I have had some people say that they don't know what the big deal is.  People get skin cancer taken off all the time.  I am actually saying all those same things to myself.  But, it does not make me feel any better.  I am sure I would probably feel worse if the doctor told me it looked like it had spread and it was in the later stages--no doubt.  But, the reassurances from myself and others are not that helpful. The bottom line is, I don't know for sure, until I get the results, that the cancer is gone.

This morning, after I could not get back to sleep, I started doing tonglen. Tonglen is a Buddhist practice where you feel your feeling completely and breathe it in. Then you send love out to all who have experienced that feeling.  You can do it for yourself and for others.  I spent some time feeling my Mom's pain who is recovering from an operation to get a pacemaker because her heart is beating too slow and too fast.  I breathed in her pain and breathed out love to her.  Then, I focused on myself.  I felt the fear completely and then I sent love out to all of those who have ever felt this fear.  I sensed in my heart that many, many, many people have felt this fear.

We are all going to die.  I know that.  I am just hoping that it is not yet my time.

 

Learning to Forget

We love to use tricks to remember.  We use acronyms like HOMES that helps people remember all the Great Lakes (Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Eric and Superior).  We link someone's name to a picture to help us remember it the next time.

But, sometimes everything we do fails and we just can't remember....

But, how about forgetting things that we want to forget?  I love the sign for forget.  It shows you wiping it from your brain:

Sometimes that is easier said than done.  When something has happened that really bothers me, I have a hard time getting it out of my head.  I make some silly mistake and it keeps rattling around in there.  I wake up thinking about it and it keeps popping up into my mind during the day. 

We have to forget also to make room to think about other things and prioritize what is important to us.  So, how do we get things out of our brain?  I was delighted to find this article that talks about eight ways to forget your troubles that I will summarize here.

Just decide to push the thought away

Be firm.  Once you have made your decision, don't let up.  Some people are better at this than others.  My husband is excellent at this technique that he calls avoidance.  He can come home from work and just let go of anything that is bothering him. (Well, not all of the time, but most of the time).  That is why he gets paid the big bucks and is able to deal with very stressful situations.

Push it back again and again

Sometimes you have to push a thought away on a daily basis until it is gone.  People who have been through trauma are better at this.

Think of something else

When I was little and had bad dreams,  Mom would have me imagine fairies dancing around bags of gold.  I loved that image.

In order to relax, I often think of one of my favorite places in nature.  I had a special swimming hole that we used to go to and skinny dip when I lived in Ashland, Oregon.  It had a perfect smooth rock that we could slide down into the water and it was deep and clear.  It also had a section where there was a waterfall that you could whoosh over.  I tried to find it last time I was in Oregon and couldn't.  I should have kept better track of where it was.  But, when I go there in my mind, I always feel better. 

Prepare for shutdown

I love this one!  Give yourself a little bit of advanced warning.  That gives you a leg up on that worry wart side of your brain.  When you feel that stressful thought coming up through your consciousness, block it before it gets there.

Distract yourself

Stomp your foot. Go for a walk. Go talk to a friend. Check Facebook.  Do something --anything to not think about--that.  I have tried this one, but the problem for me is the purple elephant.  You are trying not to think about it, but it keeps popping up. 

You think about what you are trying not to--even though you are doing something else.  If I am walking, it doesn't stop me from thinking.  I think for me, watching TV probably works the best, but then I turn it off and the thought is there again.

Study

Focus on what you want to keep.  I think that is what I am doing right now.  I am studying how to forget what I want to forget and hopefully I can forget easier.  I think it is working:)

 See it another way

See it with a positive slant.  Byron Katie is wonderful with this in her process that she calls "the work".  She has the four questions:

• Is it true?
• Can you absolutely know it is true?
• How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
• Who would you be without that thought?

And then the turn around--you think the opposite and find three examples of how that might be true.

For example:

Jon just doesn't understand me. 

The turn arounds would be:

•  I don't understand me
•  I don't understand Jon
• Jon doesn't need to understand me.

I do love the work when I remember to do it because it makes me laugh and see things in a whole different light.  I just need to remember to do it.  Thank you Byron Katie.

And last but not least:

Walk through a doorway

Have you ever gone into another room to get something and then when you get there you have forgotten why you are there?  Maybe you thought it was because it is not that important.  But, scientists have done research to show that the act of walking through a door helps to purge what was there before.  I love the idea of just deciding you  are going to close the door on what happened before.  It is in the past after all and it is time to move on.

 

 

New Year's Resolutions 2012

 Resolutions are tough.  Sometimes what you think you want, you really don't want.  And I do have some agreement with this comic:

But, that being said, I still think it is a great idea to set your intentions for the new year. So here goes....

1. Write more in this blog

I am doing well on this one.  This is my third blog in one week--a new record for me, I think.  In the past, I have wanted to write, but I had a bit of writer's block.  I didn't know what to write about.  The new year feels like it brings lots of possiblities with it.

2. Lose 15 more pounds

I lost 10 pounds in the last three months and it feels great to fit in my clothes again.  I was depressed about having to buy a whole new wardrobe--and go to the "Plus Size" stores to do it. I avoided that nightmare, but I digress.  Last year, after reading a book called "Intuitive Eating", I decided I was sick of dieting and as long as I didn't overeat, I could eat whatever I wanted.  WRONG!

I gained twenty pounds in about four months and I was continuing to go up.  I was still exercising every day, so that was not it.  I realized if I wanted to maintain a weight that felt good to my body (and also helped my knee). BTW, I hate it when people say "Oh you look fine."  I want to be at a weight that feels good to me--that is a healthy BMI and where I am comfortable in my own skin.

What does that mean at my age?  No sugar. No bread. Limited potatos and rice.  Lean meats and lots of fruits and vegetables.  Overall eating smaller portions.

It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.  It is just no fun.  I did it for several months before the holidays hit and lost 12 pounds and then gained two back (not bad).  But now, the holidays are over and like zillions of other people, I am serious about my goal.  Of course I am writing this after taking my son out for his farewell dinner and eating too much.  Oy.  But, I am telling you (and more importantly me) now that I want to get back on the wagon.

3. Stop worrying

This is a big change for me.  If there is a worry wart, I would be it.  I am an expert in worrying.  It doesn't matter how small, I can make the problem worse very easily.  For example, I went to the dentist today.  It was not a good visit.  Good teeth are not my strong suit.  I need to redo one crown and get a filling redone (that may have a crack and need a crown we are not sure).  Then I have to get my recessed gums checked for possible grafting.  I know it sounds awful...then after all of that....the hygienist tells me that I have a sore in my mouth.  I tell her I think it is a canker sore.  She mentions that I need to keep an eye on it.  Then,  I start worrying.  I ask her why and she mentions mouth cancer.  Then she says she is sure that is not it. 

I googled images for "canker sore" when I get home and then I look in the inside of my mouth in the mirror and try to see what it looks like (no easy task).  Then I google images for "mouth cancer".  I have a word of advice for you--do not google "mouth cancer".  It is not a pretty sight. 

My imagination was running wild and then I stopped and remembered my resolution not to worry.  That was it.  No worrying.  I will keep an eye on it, but I am not worrying.  Period.  Worrying never helped anything and it for sure has made many things worse in my life.  After more years and more worries than I can count and knowing that most of the things I worried about never happened, I am tired of it.  No more. 

4. Let go of my ego and allow my higher self (or inner voice) to lead my life.

Deciding to loosen my grip on my ego is tough.  It is fighting for its life.  When I stopped the stories and defending myself and being right and having to have something to do all the time, my ego got pissed.  It doesn't like spending time in silence and doing nothing or just being calm.  It is not exciting and certainly not interesting.  It is hard to not be hooked in to the stories I am telling myself because it is the story about my life.

But what I have found, is that doesn't work for me.  What does work is taking time to meditate and be alone and listen to that small voice inside of me.  That voice is very wise.  It doesn't care about status or appearances or what other people think.  It knows what is best for me and when I follow its advice, I am grateful that I did.  It is not easy and my ego is not going down without a fight, but it is a battle that is well worth it.

5. Actively love myself more

 

Louise Hay talks about getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror and telling yourself how much you love yourself.  I am my own worst critic.  In the past, my pattern has been to watch myself like a hawk for anything I have done wrong and then pounce when I notice something and go on and on inside my mind thinking about it and punishing myself for it.

Fear works, but that I no longer want to live my life in fear.  I am human and I will make mistakes, but I want to love myself regardless and in spite of those mistakes. 

I want this year of 2012 to be a lovefest with myself.  I want to tell me that I love me when I get up in the morning and all through the day and I want to love myself even more when I mess up.  I want to learn to forgive myself quickly and shower myself with love.  Why?  Because I am worth it.  And also because I believe living like that will transform my life (and hopefully spill over and bless other people's lives as well).

 

 

 I am very excited about this year.  I have a feeling it will be a very special one. 

Beyond sculptures and synphonies,
beyond great works and masterpieces
is the greater, finer art of creating
a conscious life.
Genius appears everywhere, but
never so magnificiently as in a
life well lived.

-Karla McLaren

Lorelei: 2011 in Review

 

My friend Danny, in his blog, Jew Eat Yet  does an annual review every year.  I like that idea and so this year I want to try that myself.  One part of myself says  "Wait it is too late, you have already written about 2012. ", but the other part of me says "Who cares?  It doesn't matter.  It is your blog and you can do what you want."

Danny also mentions that people are saying blogging is as dead as a doornail, but I am totally hooked.  I love it!  I don't care what the word is on the street about blogging.  I love being able to write about whatever I want.  Even if no one reads it, it is for my pleasure. 

January

I wrote about the upwelling that was happening inside of me and the goodness of exploring that inner landscape. I established a "room of my own" with a spiritual altar to use.  I talked about my favorite movies and books I had read the year before including the authors of Pema Chodron and Joe Vitale who both had a profound effect on my life.  I discussed my New Year's resolutions for 2011 which included losing 20 pounds, being with family more, getting rid of clutter, doing my inner work and traveling to different interesting places. 

February

In February, I was having back pain and I discovered Esther Gokhale who lives and teaches in the Bay Area.  She taught me through her books, videos and one live lecture how to walk, sit, and lie down properly so that I could heal my back as I went through my day.  I also noticed that I was sitting in a "kiddie chair" at the elementary school where I worked so I put a stop to that and my back healed.  The above picture along with many others in her book show the beauty of correct posture that has been lost in our culture.

March

In March, the firing of thousands of teachers all over California, inspired me to remember my favorite teachers growing up for myself and my children including Sherry Hicks, who established a new sign language interpreting program at Santa Rosa Junior College.  I went back to school at 50 years old and was part of the first graduating class in 2009.

I also shared my joy of journal and letter writing--I have written in my journal since age ten and have kept all of my journals over the years.  I took some time to appreciate the ordinary moments of life and give gratitude.  

April

In April, I had the joy of spending a week at the Ashland Film Festival with my friend Dana Lee.  I had never been to a film festival like that before and I loved it.  We went to see films from 9 in the morning until 10 at night for five days.  There were so many films that I loved, but some of my favorites were Louder Than a Bomb about teenage poetry slams and How to Die in Oregon about the right to die when you are ready. I loved being in Ashland, Oregon again.  There is something magical about that town.

May

In May, we took our daughter Sarah to Maui and Kauai as a graduation gift.  We had a fabulous time. She went snorkeling, scuba diving and learned how to surf all for the first time.

I also shared my commitment to time alone in silence with nature and letting myself wail in the wind.

June

In June, I spoke my mind about "Weinergate" and media's fascination with scandal and urged our society to change their priorities and focus on more important issues like how to get more monies for schools and get people working again. 

July

In July, I went back to Missouri for the annual woman's tubing and canoe float in the Ozarks.  This event is put on by my mother's best friend.  In addition to my Mom, my sister and niece went as well.   I also saw one of my favorite films of the year--Woody Allen's Midnight In Paris and focused on tidbits I had learned from Pema Chodron in her book The Fearless Heart.

August

In August, we helped move Sarah across the country to law school at the University of Michigan and I adjusted to having both my children far away.  I was also very happy that they are doing what they love in their lives.  I took a trip with my friend for my birthday to Esalen on the California coast and enjoyed the delicious vegetarian meals and nautral hot springs there.  I also discussed the key points of  Eckhart Tolle's 12 hour DVD set about how to live in the moment called The Art of Presence.

September 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In September, I took some time to explore some of the beautiful nature available right in our backyard including Goat's Rock beach.  September is one of the most beautiful months here in Sonoma County and I wanted to get outside and really explore the bounty.  I also saw an amazing football game where the University of Michigan won at the last moment which reminded me of a college football game my freshman year at the University of Missouri in 1973.  I continued to explore my inner landscape by spending time in meditation.

October
In October, I spent a glorious week at the ocean at Amelia Island, Florida.  I made the commitment to write one haiku poem every day for 37 days and explored an image I discovered in meditation of a cocoon.

 November

In November, I took a spontaneous trip to Harbin Hot Springs where I did a personal retreat and focused on the specialness of 11-11-11. 

December

 
In December, I talked about the favorite books I have read in 2011 and how my kindle allowed for me to easily read so many books at the same time.  This book above by Mark Nepo had an inspiring reading for every day of the year.  I will miss that.

 

Ringing in 2012

I have always wanted to go to a big blow out party on New Years Eve, but I usually just sit at home with my family and watch the ball drop on TV.  This year it was different.  Michael, Adam, Sarah and I actually went into San Francisco and stayed at the Westin San Francisco Market Hotel.  We started out our adventures with the Masters of Venice exhibit at the DeYoung museum.  Lunch was first.  I had pumpkin soup, beet salad and half of a custard fruit tart.  We ate outside in the glorious sunshine.  The temperature was in the mid 60's.  It did not feel like winter.

My favorite artist was Tiziano Vecelli who lived in Venice from 1488-1576.  He is known as Titian. My favorite series he did was about mythology.  It is called poesie because he compares his pictures to visual poetry. 

This painting is called Danae and the Shower of Gold.  Danae's father was told by an oracle that she would bear a son who would kill him.  So, he locked her up in a tower so no man could find her.  But, the god Zeus appeared to her as a shower of gold and seduced her.  Titian was one of the first people to use oil paints.  I love the beauty of the colors and the sensuousness of the painting.

This painting is called  Mars, Venus and Cupid.  Mars and Venus are lovers caught in a passionate embrace.  I love the idea of love overcoming war.  To see the original painting is so inspiring because of the richness of the color and the beauty of the design.

After seeing some beautiful art, we checked into our hotel.  We had adjoining rooms on the 21st floor and I was immediately stunned by the beautiful view.

 

 We sat in our room and watched the sun set for several hours over the city.  It was stupendously beautiful. We could see all the way out to the bay.  The heating and cooling  in Adam and Sarah's room was not working right, so they gave us a bottle of wine as an apology.  We toasted to the new year and talked about all the good things that 2011 has brought us:

• Sarah getting into a Top Ten law school with a scholarship
• Adam getting funding to continue with his PhD and submitting his first paper
• Michael winning two contracts
• Laurie have her most abundant year ever
• All the family is healthy and we are getting along well

We toasted to a wonderful and prosperous 2012.

Then we got ready to go out with my brother Kermit to a Chinese restaraunt down the street called "Fang".  Mr Fang came to our table and told us that he had a special meal created just for us. I got to try some new dishes:

• pot stickers
• clam and cream wonton soup
• tomato beef sizzling rice salad
• duck cutlets sandwich
• outrageous ribs with bok choy
• sesame chicken with sweet potatos
• white fish with spinach

Yummmmmm.

 We took a walk thorugh Yerba Buena Gardens and the Martin Luther King memorial.  After that, Kermit went on to his dance parties and we got ready for ours.  Dressed in all our finery, we went down to the ballrooms where the New Year's Eve bash was happening.  Adam and Sarah did not want to get hats or noisemakers, but Michael and I got decked out in our New Year's hats.

We all were enthralled by the talent of our friend Sonya Jason and her band called "Tigress".  Sonya is a master on the saxophone and we were so mesmerized, we did not want to go listen to anything else.

If you are not familiar with Sonya and her music, you can find out more on her website here.  She played alot of jazz from the years I was growing up--the 60's and 70's-- and many original pieces as well.  This was her new band's debut and we were all very impressed.  It is always inspiring to me to see someone doing what they love and putting so much love and passion into their work.  Plus, she was damn good.

 

 

All in all a wonderful New Year's Eve and celebration of 2012.  Now I need to rest up and recuperate:)  Happy New Year to all.

 

 

 

 

Favorite Books of 2011

I want to first want to thank www.goodreads.com for being such an awesome website and helping me organize all my books as well as give me great ideas about what to read.  I love to read sooooooo much and am so grateful for the tremendous amount of books to choose from and the richness of talent out there.  This year I got my first kindle.  I was not sure how that would affect my use of the library.  My love of or use of the local library has not diminished one iota.  I still borrow the book first if I can and use my kindle for books I cannot find there.

Libraries are going through tough times with budget cuts.  I encourage you to donate to help support your local library if you are not doing so already.  It is a wonderful service that deserves our support.  A special thanks and shout out to my local Rohnert Park library.

If you are thinking about buying a kindle, I have several suggestions for you.  First of all, you definitely want to get 3G.  It is very convenient.  You will also want a cover, but do not get a regular cover because it will drain the battery.   Get a cover with the light.  That is also handy to have at night.  You can still underline all your favorite parts and they will keep them for you all in one section.  It is so easy to just throw in your purse of backpack and you can read three or four books at the same time.  I love that you can adjust the font to any size.  If you like to read romance novels like I do, it is wonderful because you don't have to shlep around books with all those awful covers of bare chested men kissing women.  You can read what you want in peace without being embarassed or judged.  I do have to put myself on a monthly budget because it is too easy to buy at the touch of a button.  I must say I really love my kindle.  I highly recommend getting one.

Now on to my favorite books of 2011 (in no particular order):

 

1. The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo

 

 

This book has been keeping me company all year long.  There is an entry for each day of the year.  Written by philospher, poet and cancer survivor, Mark Nepo, it is a refreshing, uplifting and inspiring read.  I turn to it every morning to start my day and I will miss it when I finish it on December 31st.  It will be like losing a good friend.  Mark's words resonate with me and make me think about things long after I am finished reading.  He also has an exercise after each reading that you can do to help you receive more insight into your own life and personal growth.  Mark is able to take the inner spiritual journey and turn it into words that ring true.  Because my inner work is such an integral part of my life, I really enjoy his work.

 It is so essential to me to have an inspiring book to read on a daily basis.  This will be  a tough one to replace.

 

 

 2.  The Paleo Diet by Loren Cardain

I have tried many diet books including the book Intuitive Eating which says you can eat anything you want as long as you do it in moderation. I tried that and gained 12 pounds.  Believe me, I am not a big fan of diets, but when you are over fifty you just can't eat like you used too unless you want to grow out of all your clothes and live in tights and mumus. Exercise alone does not work. Believe me, I have tried it. I also want to live a long life and have a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI).  This book helps you figure out your BMI and set a goal for weight loss.  It also talks about common sense ideas like eating natural foods that we were designed to eat like fruits, vegetables, and lean meats and not eating all the rest of it.  The hardest part is staying away from sugar, dairy and bread.  I tell them to take away the bread basket at the restaurant table.  It has been two months and the weight is slowly coming off.  I have lost 11 pounds and have about 15 more to go.  My knee is hurting less and I feel better in my own skin.  It still isn't easy (I don't think it ever will be), but it is worth it.

 

 3.  Two Kisses for Maddy:  A Memoir of Loss and Love by Matthew Logelin

This book started out as a blog written by Matthew when he lost his wife in childbirth.  It is an incredibly heartwarming and moving story about his life as a widower raising his child alone and grieving for his wife.  The book has been on the bestsellers list and just won for best memoir and autobiography of the year on Goodreads. 

It is wonderful after reading the book, to follow along on his blog and see Maddy grow up.  Matthew also has a special fund in his wife's name to help other widows and widowers. 

 

 

4.  Life is a Verb:  37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful and Live Intentionally by Patti Digh

When Patti's stepfather was told he only had 37 days to live, she wondered how she could make those 37 days count for him.  She realized that living your best life means living every day with intention.  Patti provides 37 inspiring life stories that illustrate how to love more, slow down, trust yourself, be generous, say yes and speak up.  This book also comes from her blog where she had a contest for illustrations and got so many entries that she ended up finding a way to put in as many of them as possible. 

This is one book you do not want to buy on kindle.  She has wide margins for you to make notes and beautiful illustrations throughout.  She also includes action challenges, movement challenges, and prompts for free-writes.  I have done many of her challenges and still have many more that I want to do.  My favorite so far, was writing haiku everyday for 37 days.  This is a book to treasure.

 

5. 8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back:  Natural Posture Solutions for Pain in the Back, Neck, Shoulder, Hip, Knee and Foot (Remember When It Didn't Hurt) by Esther Gokhale

 This past summer, my back started hurting and it would not stop.  I was told about this book by my therapist.  Esther Gokhale had back surgery and was in pain for a long time before she traveled the world and did her own research about how people avoid back pain.  She found out that it all comes down to good posture while you are sitting, standing, walking and lying down.  She also teaches you how to bend from the hips corrrectly and introduces you to your "inner corset".  

I was fascinated that by simply having correct posture you can heal your back while you are doing regular activities everyday. Again, you want to buy the real book for this one, not the kindle version. The pictures showing correct posture are exquisitely beautiful.  I still want to take her workshop, but it is a bit pricy at $450.00.

 

6.  Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult

 

I wanted to include one fiction book in the mix.  It was a tough choice, but Sing You Home is a book that is hard to put down.  This a story of Zoe, a music therapist, and her husband Max and their desperate attempts to battle infertility and have a child.  It encompasses love, gay rights, healing with music, legal battles, christian right, alcoholism, 12 step programs, miscarriages, and infertility treatments.  It runs the gamut of the emotional spectrum from the depths of despair to the heights of joy.

I also like how she tells the story from different characters perspective.

If you are looking for a good read, you will not be disappointed.

 

Feel free to check out my favorites and/or find some of your own, but be sure to take the time to read.  My dear friend had a stroke a couple of years ago and can no longer read.  Don't take it for granted.  Take some time during the holidays and curl up with a good book by the fire.

11-11-11

11-11-11 is a sacred day that offers a high-vibrational portal opening to assist in the evolution of consciousness on this planet.  I happened to to have the day off and wanted to find a way to honor this day.  Michael was out of town.  So, I decided at the last minute to go to one of my favorite places in the world--Harbin Hot Springs. 

Harbin is a place that is really in tune with my spirit, both the land and the people.  I started going there with Michael in my mid-20's many moons ago.  It is only about an hour from my house and yet I am transported by the beauty of nature and the luxury of the warm pools with natural sulphur springs.

When I got there last night there was a full moon.  Everything flowed so smoothly for me. I had a delicious dinner and then settled in to watch a cheesy romantic comedy in their theatre.  It is really a bunch of pillows that you lay back on to watch a good show.  After the movie, I went outside and was immediately transfixed by the full moon.  What a gorgeous sight.  I went into the warm pool and basked in the rays of the moon.

Then, this morning, I went in the warm pool again and watched the sun rise.  I took advantage of this special portal in time meditating and spending time in silence out in the beauty of nature.  It was gloriously beautiful.  I also took a yoga class there for an hour and a half.  It was a relaxing yoga class where we allowed out bodies to lead us and stretched in ways that our bodies wanted to go.  It was so great to spend time with my body being grateful for all it does for me.  After that, I got a massage.  My masseuse was very attuned to my body and opened up my heart chakra and other senses to help be aware of the energy of the day.

I am so delighted to have had such a special day to nurture myself and be grateful for all I have and for this amazing planet we live on.  Happy 11-11-11.  Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.

The Miracle on Amelia Island

"When courageous enough to relax our soul open, the pace which our mind thinks slows to the pace at which our heart feels, and, amazingly, together, they unfold the rhythm with which our eyes can see the miracle waiting in all that is ordinary."  --Mark Nepo

I have been here at Amelia Island for one week.  One week of hearing the ocean outside my room every night and sitting by and walking near the ocean every day.  One week of unwinding and filling up my senses with the sight, sound and smell of the ocean.

I am amazed at how the sky is never the same.  There is such a wonderful variation of clouds and blue sky.

  The colors of the waves change from blue to green to gray.   

When I first got here to Amelia Island, Florida, it took me a while to wind down.  My husband went to work at the conference and I barely saw him.  I was on my own.  I looked at the ocean from my balcony and celebrated being here.  After a couple of days, I spent my first full day sitting by the ocean.  The negative ions blew through me clearing out any problems, concerns or worries and leaving me in awe of the earth.  The ocean and the beach is so vast.  It is amazing to me how the waves never stop rolling in.  There is such a deep feeling of peace and serenity.  I let it fill me up.

The next day, there was a woman lying on the ground near me. I invited her to join me in the lounge chair next to me that I was paying for under my unbrella.  We connected right away and she wanted to buy me lunch and take my picture.  It was great fun making a new friend.  After she left, I found my first shark's tooth on the beach.

 I settled into a rhythm where I felt connected to the earth and the sea. My pace slowed down and I felt a huge peace within.  I didn't need to "do" anything--just be in nature.

When my husband Michael told me he might have to work more this weekend, I took a deep breath and just accepted it.  He was able to get his work done late at night and early in the morning and we had a wonderful time together hanging out on the beach.

I will be leaving tomorrow, but I realize, for me a miracle did happen in this magical place.   The beauty of nature and this planet we live on has crept up into my heart and stayed there.

Sunrise on Amelia Island

Pushing up through clouds

The sun in all its glory

Breaks through one more time

My Cocoon

While doing some inner work in therapy, this image came to me of being wrapped in a cocoon.  My whole body was wrapped in a fine white filament  and I was hung suspended in the air, like a hammock.  Two threads came out either side (like a spider's web) and held me up.  I couldn't see what they were attached to.

Just as important as the image are the feelings.  The feelings of contentedness and love and absolute peace and serenity are deep and all consuming.  I am so grateful to be able to feel such depth of feeling and go to a place that will allow me to feel this.  It is such a gift.

SInce I can't actually share the feelings themselves on this blog, I wanted to show you what it looks like.  I looked on the web to see if I could find a picture that would come close.

 

I love this rendering of a woman curled up and nurturing herself.  The lines of the drawing have that same feeling as the filaments of the cocoon.  In my image, I am looking at it from the outside and you can't see me.  This picture shows more of what you could see if you were looking inside the cocoon.

 

 

I also liked this picture of a cocoon of energy that protects the body from outside negative influences.  That is part of the feeling of my cocoon.

 

 

 

In my image, there was no cloth, it is more like a porous filament and I was suspended, where this person is not, but the idea is the same. When I read the accompanying article, I found out that a woman is making these cocoons for people who are recovering from the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  They lay in here to recover from the trauma.

I remember when my first child Adam was first born, I did research on indigenous cultures that carry their children in a sling on their hip and/or back and do not put them down for their entire first year.  In the first few months, they wrap them tightly in cloth to imitate the womb holding them so they are more comfortable and can make the transition easier.

 

I remember when Adam was first born feeling so much love for him that I could not contain it.  My heart literally expanded.  Even though I felt some relief that someone else could now carry him, at the same time it felt like a part of my body was now living outside of my body.

At night, until he was nine months old, Adam slept with me and Michael and nursed when he woke up and went right back to sleep.  He took naps on my tummy and I carried him in a sling as much as I could.  I put him in a car seat when I had to, but as much as possible, he was wrapped up close to my body.  I remember cooking dinner with him sitting up on my hip.  There is something that felt so right about that process and he was so content.

The closest I remember to being wrapped in a cocoon is when I went to a spa on a cruise many years ago.  They filled a large piece of what looked like light foil with some herbal concoction and wrapped me in it.  I remember the discomfort of wanting to itch myself and not being able to.  But, it was incredibly healing.  I had been coming down with a cold and afterwards I felt wonderful and the cold was completely gone.

Since I don't have access to the actual cocoon in my image, my charge is to go there in my mind's eye and see that cocoon when I close my eyes---to feel what it is like to be wrapped up in all of that glorious love and goodness --suspended and weightless.  I am supposed to go there as often as I can and stay with myself in that healing suspended place.  And so I will...

 

Enjoying the Last Days of Indian Summer

September is my favorite month in Sonoma County.  The fog that prevents you from seeing the sun the whole morning is often gone and yet the sun is weak enough that it does not become too hot.  It is glorious weather, but I am usually working too much to enjoy it.

This time, when I heard the weatherman say that we only had one more week of good weather, I decided I was going to make a valiant effort to get outside as much as I could this week.  And good thing..because he was right.  It is now the weekend and it is cloudy and cool with a possibility of rain tomorrow.

I also had dropped my camera in the sand on the beach in Santa Barbara last month and ruined it.  I bought myself a beautiful new camera and had fun using it.

I hung out in the yard enjoying our flowers.

I took long walks around our beautiful neighborhood. 

I discovered a new bike path right around the corner.

My favorite excursion was on Wednesday when I had a split shift and I decided to drive out to the beach.  I took the long drive to Goat Rock's beach and stopped at a winery on the way out there.  Unfortunately, I did not have my camera yet (it arrived Wednesday night).  I took pictures on my cell phone, but I can't figure out how to download them to my computer.  So, here are some pictures from google images:

Here is the gorgeous vineyard where I ate lunch.

 This is the exact view from where I was sitting.  I sat outside and had a delicious salad, portabella mushroom sandwich and truffle fries.

 Here is Goat Rock beach where the Russian River meets the ocean.

I was finally able to download my pictures from Goat Rock Beach. 

It was gloriously sunny and beautiful.  I only got to stay for about an hour and a half by the time I arrived, but it was worth every second.  I will miss you Indian Summer....grateful for all the beauty you bring.