Lorelei

Learning to Forget

We love to use tricks to remember.  We use acronyms like HOMES that helps people remember all the Great Lakes (Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Eric and Superior).  We link someone's name to a picture to help us remember it the next time.

But, sometimes everything we do fails and we just can't remember....

But, how about forgetting things that we want to forget?  I love the sign for forget.  It shows you wiping it from your brain:

Sometimes that is easier said than done.  When something has happened that really bothers me, I have a hard time getting it out of my head.  I make some silly mistake and it keeps rattling around in there.  I wake up thinking about it and it keeps popping up into my mind during the day. 

We have to forget also to make room to think about other things and prioritize what is important to us.  So, how do we get things out of our brain?  I was delighted to find this article that talks about eight ways to forget your troubles that I will summarize here.

Just decide to push the thought away

Be firm.  Once you have made your decision, don't let up.  Some people are better at this than others.  My husband is excellent at this technique that he calls avoidance.  He can come home from work and just let go of anything that is bothering him. (Well, not all of the time, but most of the time).  That is why he gets paid the big bucks and is able to deal with very stressful situations.

Push it back again and again

Sometimes you have to push a thought away on a daily basis until it is gone.  People who have been through trauma are better at this.

Think of something else

When I was little and had bad dreams,  Mom would have me imagine fairies dancing around bags of gold.  I loved that image.

In order to relax, I often think of one of my favorite places in nature.  I had a special swimming hole that we used to go to and skinny dip when I lived in Ashland, Oregon.  It had a perfect smooth rock that we could slide down into the water and it was deep and clear.  It also had a section where there was a waterfall that you could whoosh over.  I tried to find it last time I was in Oregon and couldn't.  I should have kept better track of where it was.  But, when I go there in my mind, I always feel better. 

Prepare for shutdown

I love this one!  Give yourself a little bit of advanced warning.  That gives you a leg up on that worry wart side of your brain.  When you feel that stressful thought coming up through your consciousness, block it before it gets there.

Distract yourself

Stomp your foot. Go for a walk. Go talk to a friend. Check Facebook.  Do something --anything to not think about--that.  I have tried this one, but the problem for me is the purple elephant.  You are trying not to think about it, but it keeps popping up. 

You think about what you are trying not to--even though you are doing something else.  If I am walking, it doesn't stop me from thinking.  I think for me, watching TV probably works the best, but then I turn it off and the thought is there again.

Study

Focus on what you want to keep.  I think that is what I am doing right now.  I am studying how to forget what I want to forget and hopefully I can forget easier.  I think it is working:)

 See it another way

See it with a positive slant.  Byron Katie is wonderful with this in her process that she calls "the work".  She has the four questions:

• Is it true?
• Can you absolutely know it is true?
• How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
• Who would you be without that thought?

And then the turn around--you think the opposite and find three examples of how that might be true.

For example:

Jon just doesn't understand me. 

The turn arounds would be:

•  I don't understand me
•  I don't understand Jon
• Jon doesn't need to understand me.

I do love the work when I remember to do it because it makes me laugh and see things in a whole different light.  I just need to remember to do it.  Thank you Byron Katie.

And last but not least:

Walk through a doorway

Have you ever gone into another room to get something and then when you get there you have forgotten why you are there?  Maybe you thought it was because it is not that important.  But, scientists have done research to show that the act of walking through a door helps to purge what was there before.  I love the idea of just deciding you  are going to close the door on what happened before.  It is in the past after all and it is time to move on.

 

 

New Year's Resolutions 2012

 Resolutions are tough.  Sometimes what you think you want, you really don't want.  And I do have some agreement with this comic:

But, that being said, I still think it is a great idea to set your intentions for the new year. So here goes....

1. Write more in this blog

I am doing well on this one.  This is my third blog in one week--a new record for me, I think.  In the past, I have wanted to write, but I had a bit of writer's block.  I didn't know what to write about.  The new year feels like it brings lots of possiblities with it.

2. Lose 15 more pounds

I lost 10 pounds in the last three months and it feels great to fit in my clothes again.  I was depressed about having to buy a whole new wardrobe--and go to the "Plus Size" stores to do it. I avoided that nightmare, but I digress.  Last year, after reading a book called "Intuitive Eating", I decided I was sick of dieting and as long as I didn't overeat, I could eat whatever I wanted.  WRONG!

I gained twenty pounds in about four months and I was continuing to go up.  I was still exercising every day, so that was not it.  I realized if I wanted to maintain a weight that felt good to my body (and also helped my knee). BTW, I hate it when people say "Oh you look fine."  I want to be at a weight that feels good to me--that is a healthy BMI and where I am comfortable in my own skin.

What does that mean at my age?  No sugar. No bread. Limited potatos and rice.  Lean meats and lots of fruits and vegetables.  Overall eating smaller portions.

It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.  It is just no fun.  I did it for several months before the holidays hit and lost 12 pounds and then gained two back (not bad).  But now, the holidays are over and like zillions of other people, I am serious about my goal.  Of course I am writing this after taking my son out for his farewell dinner and eating too much.  Oy.  But, I am telling you (and more importantly me) now that I want to get back on the wagon.

3. Stop worrying

This is a big change for me.  If there is a worry wart, I would be it.  I am an expert in worrying.  It doesn't matter how small, I can make the problem worse very easily.  For example, I went to the dentist today.  It was not a good visit.  Good teeth are not my strong suit.  I need to redo one crown and get a filling redone (that may have a crack and need a crown we are not sure).  Then I have to get my recessed gums checked for possible grafting.  I know it sounds awful...then after all of that....the hygienist tells me that I have a sore in my mouth.  I tell her I think it is a canker sore.  She mentions that I need to keep an eye on it.  Then,  I start worrying.  I ask her why and she mentions mouth cancer.  Then she says she is sure that is not it. 

I googled images for "canker sore" when I get home and then I look in the inside of my mouth in the mirror and try to see what it looks like (no easy task).  Then I google images for "mouth cancer".  I have a word of advice for you--do not google "mouth cancer".  It is not a pretty sight. 

My imagination was running wild and then I stopped and remembered my resolution not to worry.  That was it.  No worrying.  I will keep an eye on it, but I am not worrying.  Period.  Worrying never helped anything and it for sure has made many things worse in my life.  After more years and more worries than I can count and knowing that most of the things I worried about never happened, I am tired of it.  No more. 

4. Let go of my ego and allow my higher self (or inner voice) to lead my life.

Deciding to loosen my grip on my ego is tough.  It is fighting for its life.  When I stopped the stories and defending myself and being right and having to have something to do all the time, my ego got pissed.  It doesn't like spending time in silence and doing nothing or just being calm.  It is not exciting and certainly not interesting.  It is hard to not be hooked in to the stories I am telling myself because it is the story about my life.

But what I have found, is that doesn't work for me.  What does work is taking time to meditate and be alone and listen to that small voice inside of me.  That voice is very wise.  It doesn't care about status or appearances or what other people think.  It knows what is best for me and when I follow its advice, I am grateful that I did.  It is not easy and my ego is not going down without a fight, but it is a battle that is well worth it.

5. Actively love myself more

 

Louise Hay talks about getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror and telling yourself how much you love yourself.  I am my own worst critic.  In the past, my pattern has been to watch myself like a hawk for anything I have done wrong and then pounce when I notice something and go on and on inside my mind thinking about it and punishing myself for it.

Fear works, but that I no longer want to live my life in fear.  I am human and I will make mistakes, but I want to love myself regardless and in spite of those mistakes. 

I want this year of 2012 to be a lovefest with myself.  I want to tell me that I love me when I get up in the morning and all through the day and I want to love myself even more when I mess up.  I want to learn to forgive myself quickly and shower myself with love.  Why?  Because I am worth it.  And also because I believe living like that will transform my life (and hopefully spill over and bless other people's lives as well).

 

 

 I am very excited about this year.  I have a feeling it will be a very special one. 

Beyond sculptures and synphonies,
beyond great works and masterpieces
is the greater, finer art of creating
a conscious life.
Genius appears everywhere, but
never so magnificiently as in a
life well lived.

-Karla McLaren

Lorelei: 2011 in Review

 

My friend Danny, in his blog, Jew Eat Yet  does an annual review every year.  I like that idea and so this year I want to try that myself.  One part of myself says  "Wait it is too late, you have already written about 2012. ", but the other part of me says "Who cares?  It doesn't matter.  It is your blog and you can do what you want."

Danny also mentions that people are saying blogging is as dead as a doornail, but I am totally hooked.  I love it!  I don't care what the word is on the street about blogging.  I love being able to write about whatever I want.  Even if no one reads it, it is for my pleasure. 

January

I wrote about the upwelling that was happening inside of me and the goodness of exploring that inner landscape. I established a "room of my own" with a spiritual altar to use.  I talked about my favorite movies and books I had read the year before including the authors of Pema Chodron and Joe Vitale who both had a profound effect on my life.  I discussed my New Year's resolutions for 2011 which included losing 20 pounds, being with family more, getting rid of clutter, doing my inner work and traveling to different interesting places. 

February

In February, I was having back pain and I discovered Esther Gokhale who lives and teaches in the Bay Area.  She taught me through her books, videos and one live lecture how to walk, sit, and lie down properly so that I could heal my back as I went through my day.  I also noticed that I was sitting in a "kiddie chair" at the elementary school where I worked so I put a stop to that and my back healed.  The above picture along with many others in her book show the beauty of correct posture that has been lost in our culture.

March

In March, the firing of thousands of teachers all over California, inspired me to remember my favorite teachers growing up for myself and my children including Sherry Hicks, who established a new sign language interpreting program at Santa Rosa Junior College.  I went back to school at 50 years old and was part of the first graduating class in 2009.

I also shared my joy of journal and letter writing--I have written in my journal since age ten and have kept all of my journals over the years.  I took some time to appreciate the ordinary moments of life and give gratitude.  

April

In April, I had the joy of spending a week at the Ashland Film Festival with my friend Dana Lee.  I had never been to a film festival like that before and I loved it.  We went to see films from 9 in the morning until 10 at night for five days.  There were so many films that I loved, but some of my favorites were Louder Than a Bomb about teenage poetry slams and How to Die in Oregon about the right to die when you are ready. I loved being in Ashland, Oregon again.  There is something magical about that town.

May

In May, we took our daughter Sarah to Maui and Kauai as a graduation gift.  We had a fabulous time. She went snorkeling, scuba diving and learned how to surf all for the first time.

I also shared my commitment to time alone in silence with nature and letting myself wail in the wind.

June

In June, I spoke my mind about "Weinergate" and media's fascination with scandal and urged our society to change their priorities and focus on more important issues like how to get more monies for schools and get people working again. 

July

In July, I went back to Missouri for the annual woman's tubing and canoe float in the Ozarks.  This event is put on by my mother's best friend.  In addition to my Mom, my sister and niece went as well.   I also saw one of my favorite films of the year--Woody Allen's Midnight In Paris and focused on tidbits I had learned from Pema Chodron in her book The Fearless Heart.

August

In August, we helped move Sarah across the country to law school at the University of Michigan and I adjusted to having both my children far away.  I was also very happy that they are doing what they love in their lives.  I took a trip with my friend for my birthday to Esalen on the California coast and enjoyed the delicious vegetarian meals and nautral hot springs there.  I also discussed the key points of  Eckhart Tolle's 12 hour DVD set about how to live in the moment called The Art of Presence.

September 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In September, I took some time to explore some of the beautiful nature available right in our backyard including Goat's Rock beach.  September is one of the most beautiful months here in Sonoma County and I wanted to get outside and really explore the bounty.  I also saw an amazing football game where the University of Michigan won at the last moment which reminded me of a college football game my freshman year at the University of Missouri in 1973.  I continued to explore my inner landscape by spending time in meditation.

October
In October, I spent a glorious week at the ocean at Amelia Island, Florida.  I made the commitment to write one haiku poem every day for 37 days and explored an image I discovered in meditation of a cocoon.

 November

In November, I took a spontaneous trip to Harbin Hot Springs where I did a personal retreat and focused on the specialness of 11-11-11. 

December

 
In December, I talked about the favorite books I have read in 2011 and how my kindle allowed for me to easily read so many books at the same time.  This book above by Mark Nepo had an inspiring reading for every day of the year.  I will miss that.

 

Ringing in 2012

I have always wanted to go to a big blow out party on New Years Eve, but I usually just sit at home with my family and watch the ball drop on TV.  This year it was different.  Michael, Adam, Sarah and I actually went into San Francisco and stayed at the Westin San Francisco Market Hotel.  We started out our adventures with the Masters of Venice exhibit at the DeYoung museum.  Lunch was first.  I had pumpkin soup, beet salad and half of a custard fruit tart.  We ate outside in the glorious sunshine.  The temperature was in the mid 60's.  It did not feel like winter.

My favorite artist was Tiziano Vecelli who lived in Venice from 1488-1576.  He is known as Titian. My favorite series he did was about mythology.  It is called poesie because he compares his pictures to visual poetry. 

This painting is called Danae and the Shower of Gold.  Danae's father was told by an oracle that she would bear a son who would kill him.  So, he locked her up in a tower so no man could find her.  But, the god Zeus appeared to her as a shower of gold and seduced her.  Titian was one of the first people to use oil paints.  I love the beauty of the colors and the sensuousness of the painting.

This painting is called  Mars, Venus and Cupid.  Mars and Venus are lovers caught in a passionate embrace.  I love the idea of love overcoming war.  To see the original painting is so inspiring because of the richness of the color and the beauty of the design.

After seeing some beautiful art, we checked into our hotel.  We had adjoining rooms on the 21st floor and I was immediately stunned by the beautiful view.

 

 We sat in our room and watched the sun set for several hours over the city.  It was stupendously beautiful. We could see all the way out to the bay.  The heating and cooling  in Adam and Sarah's room was not working right, so they gave us a bottle of wine as an apology.  We toasted to the new year and talked about all the good things that 2011 has brought us:

• Sarah getting into a Top Ten law school with a scholarship
• Adam getting funding to continue with his PhD and submitting his first paper
• Michael winning two contracts
• Laurie have her most abundant year ever
• All the family is healthy and we are getting along well

We toasted to a wonderful and prosperous 2012.

Then we got ready to go out with my brother Kermit to a Chinese restaraunt down the street called "Fang".  Mr Fang came to our table and told us that he had a special meal created just for us. I got to try some new dishes:

• pot stickers
• clam and cream wonton soup
• tomato beef sizzling rice salad
• duck cutlets sandwich
• outrageous ribs with bok choy
• sesame chicken with sweet potatos
• white fish with spinach

Yummmmmm.

 We took a walk thorugh Yerba Buena Gardens and the Martin Luther King memorial.  After that, Kermit went on to his dance parties and we got ready for ours.  Dressed in all our finery, we went down to the ballrooms where the New Year's Eve bash was happening.  Adam and Sarah did not want to get hats or noisemakers, but Michael and I got decked out in our New Year's hats.

We all were enthralled by the talent of our friend Sonya Jason and her band called "Tigress".  Sonya is a master on the saxophone and we were so mesmerized, we did not want to go listen to anything else.

If you are not familiar with Sonya and her music, you can find out more on her website here.  She played alot of jazz from the years I was growing up--the 60's and 70's-- and many original pieces as well.  This was her new band's debut and we were all very impressed.  It is always inspiring to me to see someone doing what they love and putting so much love and passion into their work.  Plus, she was damn good.

 

 

All in all a wonderful New Year's Eve and celebration of 2012.  Now I need to rest up and recuperate:)  Happy New Year to all.

 

 

 

 

Favorite Books of 2011

I want to first want to thank www.goodreads.com for being such an awesome website and helping me organize all my books as well as give me great ideas about what to read.  I love to read sooooooo much and am so grateful for the tremendous amount of books to choose from and the richness of talent out there.  This year I got my first kindle.  I was not sure how that would affect my use of the library.  My love of or use of the local library has not diminished one iota.  I still borrow the book first if I can and use my kindle for books I cannot find there.

Libraries are going through tough times with budget cuts.  I encourage you to donate to help support your local library if you are not doing so already.  It is a wonderful service that deserves our support.  A special thanks and shout out to my local Rohnert Park library.

If you are thinking about buying a kindle, I have several suggestions for you.  First of all, you definitely want to get 3G.  It is very convenient.  You will also want a cover, but do not get a regular cover because it will drain the battery.   Get a cover with the light.  That is also handy to have at night.  You can still underline all your favorite parts and they will keep them for you all in one section.  It is so easy to just throw in your purse of backpack and you can read three or four books at the same time.  I love that you can adjust the font to any size.  If you like to read romance novels like I do, it is wonderful because you don't have to shlep around books with all those awful covers of bare chested men kissing women.  You can read what you want in peace without being embarassed or judged.  I do have to put myself on a monthly budget because it is too easy to buy at the touch of a button.  I must say I really love my kindle.  I highly recommend getting one.

Now on to my favorite books of 2011 (in no particular order):

 

1. The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo

 

 

This book has been keeping me company all year long.  There is an entry for each day of the year.  Written by philospher, poet and cancer survivor, Mark Nepo, it is a refreshing, uplifting and inspiring read.  I turn to it every morning to start my day and I will miss it when I finish it on December 31st.  It will be like losing a good friend.  Mark's words resonate with me and make me think about things long after I am finished reading.  He also has an exercise after each reading that you can do to help you receive more insight into your own life and personal growth.  Mark is able to take the inner spiritual journey and turn it into words that ring true.  Because my inner work is such an integral part of my life, I really enjoy his work.

 It is so essential to me to have an inspiring book to read on a daily basis.  This will be  a tough one to replace.

 

 

 2.  The Paleo Diet by Loren Cardain

I have tried many diet books including the book Intuitive Eating which says you can eat anything you want as long as you do it in moderation. I tried that and gained 12 pounds.  Believe me, I am not a big fan of diets, but when you are over fifty you just can't eat like you used too unless you want to grow out of all your clothes and live in tights and mumus. Exercise alone does not work. Believe me, I have tried it. I also want to live a long life and have a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI).  This book helps you figure out your BMI and set a goal for weight loss.  It also talks about common sense ideas like eating natural foods that we were designed to eat like fruits, vegetables, and lean meats and not eating all the rest of it.  The hardest part is staying away from sugar, dairy and bread.  I tell them to take away the bread basket at the restaurant table.  It has been two months and the weight is slowly coming off.  I have lost 11 pounds and have about 15 more to go.  My knee is hurting less and I feel better in my own skin.  It still isn't easy (I don't think it ever will be), but it is worth it.

 

 3.  Two Kisses for Maddy:  A Memoir of Loss and Love by Matthew Logelin

This book started out as a blog written by Matthew when he lost his wife in childbirth.  It is an incredibly heartwarming and moving story about his life as a widower raising his child alone and grieving for his wife.  The book has been on the bestsellers list and just won for best memoir and autobiography of the year on Goodreads. 

It is wonderful after reading the book, to follow along on his blog and see Maddy grow up.  Matthew also has a special fund in his wife's name to help other widows and widowers. 

 

 

4.  Life is a Verb:  37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful and Live Intentionally by Patti Digh

When Patti's stepfather was told he only had 37 days to live, she wondered how she could make those 37 days count for him.  She realized that living your best life means living every day with intention.  Patti provides 37 inspiring life stories that illustrate how to love more, slow down, trust yourself, be generous, say yes and speak up.  This book also comes from her blog where she had a contest for illustrations and got so many entries that she ended up finding a way to put in as many of them as possible. 

This is one book you do not want to buy on kindle.  She has wide margins for you to make notes and beautiful illustrations throughout.  She also includes action challenges, movement challenges, and prompts for free-writes.  I have done many of her challenges and still have many more that I want to do.  My favorite so far, was writing haiku everyday for 37 days.  This is a book to treasure.

 

5. 8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back:  Natural Posture Solutions for Pain in the Back, Neck, Shoulder, Hip, Knee and Foot (Remember When It Didn't Hurt) by Esther Gokhale

 This past summer, my back started hurting and it would not stop.  I was told about this book by my therapist.  Esther Gokhale had back surgery and was in pain for a long time before she traveled the world and did her own research about how people avoid back pain.  She found out that it all comes down to good posture while you are sitting, standing, walking and lying down.  She also teaches you how to bend from the hips corrrectly and introduces you to your "inner corset".  

I was fascinated that by simply having correct posture you can heal your back while you are doing regular activities everyday. Again, you want to buy the real book for this one, not the kindle version. The pictures showing correct posture are exquisitely beautiful.  I still want to take her workshop, but it is a bit pricy at $450.00.

 

6.  Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult

 

I wanted to include one fiction book in the mix.  It was a tough choice, but Sing You Home is a book that is hard to put down.  This a story of Zoe, a music therapist, and her husband Max and their desperate attempts to battle infertility and have a child.  It encompasses love, gay rights, healing with music, legal battles, christian right, alcoholism, 12 step programs, miscarriages, and infertility treatments.  It runs the gamut of the emotional spectrum from the depths of despair to the heights of joy.

I also like how she tells the story from different characters perspective.

If you are looking for a good read, you will not be disappointed.

 

Feel free to check out my favorites and/or find some of your own, but be sure to take the time to read.  My dear friend had a stroke a couple of years ago and can no longer read.  Don't take it for granted.  Take some time during the holidays and curl up with a good book by the fire.

11-11-11

11-11-11 is a sacred day that offers a high-vibrational portal opening to assist in the evolution of consciousness on this planet.  I happened to to have the day off and wanted to find a way to honor this day.  Michael was out of town.  So, I decided at the last minute to go to one of my favorite places in the world--Harbin Hot Springs. 

Harbin is a place that is really in tune with my spirit, both the land and the people.  I started going there with Michael in my mid-20's many moons ago.  It is only about an hour from my house and yet I am transported by the beauty of nature and the luxury of the warm pools with natural sulphur springs.

When I got there last night there was a full moon.  Everything flowed so smoothly for me. I had a delicious dinner and then settled in to watch a cheesy romantic comedy in their theatre.  It is really a bunch of pillows that you lay back on to watch a good show.  After the movie, I went outside and was immediately transfixed by the full moon.  What a gorgeous sight.  I went into the warm pool and basked in the rays of the moon.

Then, this morning, I went in the warm pool again and watched the sun rise.  I took advantage of this special portal in time meditating and spending time in silence out in the beauty of nature.  It was gloriously beautiful.  I also took a yoga class there for an hour and a half.  It was a relaxing yoga class where we allowed out bodies to lead us and stretched in ways that our bodies wanted to go.  It was so great to spend time with my body being grateful for all it does for me.  After that, I got a massage.  My masseuse was very attuned to my body and opened up my heart chakra and other senses to help be aware of the energy of the day.

I am so delighted to have had such a special day to nurture myself and be grateful for all I have and for this amazing planet we live on.  Happy 11-11-11.  Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.

The Miracle on Amelia Island

"When courageous enough to relax our soul open, the pace which our mind thinks slows to the pace at which our heart feels, and, amazingly, together, they unfold the rhythm with which our eyes can see the miracle waiting in all that is ordinary."  --Mark Nepo

I have been here at Amelia Island for one week.  One week of hearing the ocean outside my room every night and sitting by and walking near the ocean every day.  One week of unwinding and filling up my senses with the sight, sound and smell of the ocean.

I am amazed at how the sky is never the same.  There is such a wonderful variation of clouds and blue sky.

  The colors of the waves change from blue to green to gray.   

When I first got here to Amelia Island, Florida, it took me a while to wind down.  My husband went to work at the conference and I barely saw him.  I was on my own.  I looked at the ocean from my balcony and celebrated being here.  After a couple of days, I spent my first full day sitting by the ocean.  The negative ions blew through me clearing out any problems, concerns or worries and leaving me in awe of the earth.  The ocean and the beach is so vast.  It is amazing to me how the waves never stop rolling in.  There is such a deep feeling of peace and serenity.  I let it fill me up.

The next day, there was a woman lying on the ground near me. I invited her to join me in the lounge chair next to me that I was paying for under my unbrella.  We connected right away and she wanted to buy me lunch and take my picture.  It was great fun making a new friend.  After she left, I found my first shark's tooth on the beach.

 I settled into a rhythm where I felt connected to the earth and the sea. My pace slowed down and I felt a huge peace within.  I didn't need to "do" anything--just be in nature.

When my husband Michael told me he might have to work more this weekend, I took a deep breath and just accepted it.  He was able to get his work done late at night and early in the morning and we had a wonderful time together hanging out on the beach.

I will be leaving tomorrow, but I realize, for me a miracle did happen in this magical place.   The beauty of nature and this planet we live on has crept up into my heart and stayed there.

Sunrise on Amelia Island

Pushing up through clouds

The sun in all its glory

Breaks through one more time

My Cocoon

While doing some inner work in therapy, this image came to me of being wrapped in a cocoon.  My whole body was wrapped in a fine white filament  and I was hung suspended in the air, like a hammock.  Two threads came out either side (like a spider's web) and held me up.  I couldn't see what they were attached to.

Just as important as the image are the feelings.  The feelings of contentedness and love and absolute peace and serenity are deep and all consuming.  I am so grateful to be able to feel such depth of feeling and go to a place that will allow me to feel this.  It is such a gift.

SInce I can't actually share the feelings themselves on this blog, I wanted to show you what it looks like.  I looked on the web to see if I could find a picture that would come close.

 

I love this rendering of a woman curled up and nurturing herself.  The lines of the drawing have that same feeling as the filaments of the cocoon.  In my image, I am looking at it from the outside and you can't see me.  This picture shows more of what you could see if you were looking inside the cocoon.

 

 

I also liked this picture of a cocoon of energy that protects the body from outside negative influences.  That is part of the feeling of my cocoon.

 

 

 

In my image, there was no cloth, it is more like a porous filament and I was suspended, where this person is not, but the idea is the same. When I read the accompanying article, I found out that a woman is making these cocoons for people who are recovering from the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  They lay in here to recover from the trauma.

I remember when my first child Adam was first born, I did research on indigenous cultures that carry their children in a sling on their hip and/or back and do not put them down for their entire first year.  In the first few months, they wrap them tightly in cloth to imitate the womb holding them so they are more comfortable and can make the transition easier.

 

I remember when Adam was first born feeling so much love for him that I could not contain it.  My heart literally expanded.  Even though I felt some relief that someone else could now carry him, at the same time it felt like a part of my body was now living outside of my body.

At night, until he was nine months old, Adam slept with me and Michael and nursed when he woke up and went right back to sleep.  He took naps on my tummy and I carried him in a sling as much as I could.  I put him in a car seat when I had to, but as much as possible, he was wrapped up close to my body.  I remember cooking dinner with him sitting up on my hip.  There is something that felt so right about that process and he was so content.

The closest I remember to being wrapped in a cocoon is when I went to a spa on a cruise many years ago.  They filled a large piece of what looked like light foil with some herbal concoction and wrapped me in it.  I remember the discomfort of wanting to itch myself and not being able to.  But, it was incredibly healing.  I had been coming down with a cold and afterwards I felt wonderful and the cold was completely gone.

Since I don't have access to the actual cocoon in my image, my charge is to go there in my mind's eye and see that cocoon when I close my eyes---to feel what it is like to be wrapped up in all of that glorious love and goodness --suspended and weightless.  I am supposed to go there as often as I can and stay with myself in that healing suspended place.  And so I will...

 

Enjoying the Last Days of Indian Summer

September is my favorite month in Sonoma County.  The fog that prevents you from seeing the sun the whole morning is often gone and yet the sun is weak enough that it does not become too hot.  It is glorious weather, but I am usually working too much to enjoy it.

This time, when I heard the weatherman say that we only had one more week of good weather, I decided I was going to make a valiant effort to get outside as much as I could this week.  And good thing..because he was right.  It is now the weekend and it is cloudy and cool with a possibility of rain tomorrow.

I also had dropped my camera in the sand on the beach in Santa Barbara last month and ruined it.  I bought myself a beautiful new camera and had fun using it.

I hung out in the yard enjoying our flowers.

I took long walks around our beautiful neighborhood. 

I discovered a new bike path right around the corner.

My favorite excursion was on Wednesday when I had a split shift and I decided to drive out to the beach.  I took the long drive to Goat Rock's beach and stopped at a winery on the way out there.  Unfortunately, I did not have my camera yet (it arrived Wednesday night).  I took pictures on my cell phone, but I can't figure out how to download them to my computer.  So, here are some pictures from google images:

Here is the gorgeous vineyard where I ate lunch.

 This is the exact view from where I was sitting.  I sat outside and had a delicious salad, portabella mushroom sandwich and truffle fries.

 Here is Goat Rock beach where the Russian River meets the ocean.

I was finally able to download my pictures from Goat Rock Beach. 

It was gloriously sunny and beautiful.  I only got to stay for about an hour and a half by the time I arrived, but it was worth every second.  I will miss you Indian Summer....grateful for all the beauty you bring.

 

Mizzou 13 -- Nebraska 12 October 13, 1973

                                                                  
I graduated high school in May of 1973 and went I got to the University of Missouri in Columbia, Missouri in the fall of that year, I had no idea what college football was all about.  The name of our football team was the MIssouri Tigers (called affectionately the Mizzou Tigers) and everyone was passionate about our team.  Our biggest rivals were the Nebraska Cornhuskers and that year they were ranked # 2 and we were ranked #12.

I will never forget my first football game.  I remember the smells of dust and sweat and the roar of the huge crowd.  We were playing Nebraska and everyone was so fired up!!!  The atmosphere was electric.  I remember standing almost the whole game and screaming and waving my gold and black pom-pom. 

When I looked up the game on the web, it was listed as one of 37 most memorable football games of all time.  Here is what the article said:

Mizzou got one of its biggest wins ever at Memorial Stadium/Faurot Field when the 12th-ranked Tigers defeated #2 Nebraska, 13-12 when a last-minute Husker two-point conversion pass was intercepted by MU's Tony Gillick. Nebraska had beaten Mizzou by a combined score of 98-0 the two previous years. It remains as the highest-ranked foe any Tiger team has ever beaten

 

It was a do-or-die moment at the end of this meeting between the Tigers and the Cornhuskers. As the clock ran out, Mizzou intercepted the David Humm two-point conversion pass to get the upset win over Nebraska 13-12.

I still remember that feeling of utter glee when we won at the very last minute 13-12.  I have never forgotten the score or the feeling or excitement that went with it. Our rivals, Nebraska, ranked so much better than us, were beaten...People were beside themselves and the whole town celebrated.

I must admit that once I left MIssouri, I did not follow college football. In fact, I don't normally watch any football.  It is too hard for me to see those talented young men get hurt.  Many adults that I know are in chronic pain and/or have difficulty speaking and memory loss due to their years of playing football. 

So, I surprised myself on Saturday night, when I watched the final quarter of the first MIchigan-Notre Dame night game.  I had just dropped off my daughter two weeks ago in MIchigan and it was a way to feel closer to her as I watched the town of Ann Arbor on TV.  I didn't realize that they call the stadium "The Big House" because it holds 114,000 people and every seat was full.  I was amazed at the heart of the young players as three touchdowns were scored in the last minute and twelve seconds of the game (Michigan scored two and Notre Dame scored one).  Here is the last touchdown that was scored by MIchigan to win the game with two seconds left on the clock:

 

At the end, the players jumped up in the stands with the fans and no one left the stadium.  They just stood there and cheered.  Finally the band went onto the field to serenade the crowd.  It reminded me so much of the feeling of the Mizzou-Nebraksa game.  There is something about rivalries and college football that make the emotions so electric and create memories you will never forget.

I was happy for the MIchigan Wolverine football team and those thousands of fans that they will have their wonderful memory.

I was shocked to find out when I looked up the MIssouri-Nebraska game of 1973 that as of last year, the Missouri-Nebraska rivalry is no more.  Here is what they said;

On June 11, 2010, the Nebraska Cornhuskers announced that its regents unanimously voted to end the university's affiliation with the Big 12 Conference, and would be joining the Big Ten Conference beginning with the 2011 season.^[9][10][11] Therefore, the October 30, 2010 contest between these two teams was the last unless the programs meet in a future non-conference game or postseason bowl game.

The end of an era.  No more Mizzou-Nebraska games. But I will forever carry my memory in my heart.

 With the previous year's loss in their heads, Mizzou came out fired up, but against the #2 Huskers, simply being emotional wasn't enough to get a lead.  Nebraska kicked two first-quarter field goals to take a 6-0 lead, but Mizzou struck back.  Led in part by John Moseley's great kickoff returns, Mizzou won the field position battle in the second quarter, and despite the complete lack of a passing game (for the game, Mizzou would complete two of 10 passes for 7 yards and an INT), managed two field goals of their own.  The always clutch Greg Hill booted three points through the uprights with 29 seconds left in the first half, and the 68,170 in attendance saw a 6-6 tie at halftime.

...

With under three minutes to play, Jim Goble lined up to punt to Nebraska.  As he had all game, Goble uncorked a beautiful 50-yarder.  As Husker returner Randy Borg retreated to field the punt, he stumbled and bobbled the ball.  All-American lineman Scott Anderson recovered for Mizzou at the NU 4, and with just 2:35 left, Mizzou had been handed a golden opportunity.

Two handoffs to backup fullback Tom Mulkey were all it took.  Mulkey scored from a yard out, and with 2:03 left, Mizzou was suddenly up 13-6.

Nebraska responded, however.  Sparked by the desperation of the moment, they needed just four plays to move 72 yards.  NU QB Dave Humm found Ritch Bahe for 23 yards and a touchdown with a minute to play.  Tom Osborne didn't hesitate--a tie would hurt NU almost as much as a loss would, so he was going for the win.

On the two-point conversion, the suddenly hot Humm rolled left and threw toward halfback Tony Davis, but Bob McRoberts deflected the pass and Tony Gillick pulled in the game-clinching INT.  Mizzou had executed a 63-point turnaround from the previous meeting with Nebraska, and pulled off one of the biggest miracle wins in team history.

                                                                         

 

Longing

 

 

 

 

   
You must give birth to your images. 

They are the future waiting to be born.

Fear not the strangeness you feel. 

The future must enter you long before it happens.

Just wait for the birth, for the hour of the new clarity. 

--Rainer Maria Rilke

 

 

 

 

 

It is a challenge for me to take time out from my life and go within, but I know in my heart it is essential.  I am used to running my life through thinking, words and doing. To live my life starting from within, steeped in silence and focusing on the present moment is a whole new ball game.  I resist like crazy and it is so much harder than I ever could have imagined.

I have been treating spending time within like I do my outer life.  Have a goal, work hard, then achieve it.  If I don't achieve it, try again.  What I realized recently is spending time in quiet going within is a whole different paradigm.

I can feel my longing coming from my heart and it spins outward like one strand in a spider's web.  I follow it expecting an answer and there is none.  I have been impatient.  I have wanted to find out what it is now and then achieve it.  That has only led to frustration and anger.

So...today I tried something new.  I sat outside in my backyard in the weak morning sunlight of Indian Summer letting the rays that filtered through the redwood trees soak into my skin.  I closed my eyes and focused on my heart and the longing there with no expectations.  I honored the longing for what it is. I let it expand into my pores and pour through my body like a fine wine.  I floated in this blissful state for a long time.

My longing is expressing itself beautifully.  As some point it may point me in a different direction in life and it may not.  For now, I am open to this new paradigm of floating in the essence of who I am and what is calling to me.  I am cultivating patience and enjoying the moment.  There is no hurry.  It will reveal itself to me in the right time.  For now, I am content.

 

Moving Sarah to Ann Arbor

I have always heard wonderful things about Ann Arbor, Michigan.  But, it is one thing to hear about it and another thing entirely to be there.  It is hard to put into words what makes a place special.  After all, we were just there for a few days so I don't know what it is like to live there.  I was immediately struck by the beauty of the huge trees and bright green grass.  There were lovely neighborhoods of charming homes with front porches that had rocking chairs and porch swings.  But, mostly, there was just a good feeling in this college town chock full of young excited faces and it felt good to be there.

It was a challenge to figure out how to move Sarah the easiest.  Iknew I didn't want to drive. We settled on each of us (me, my husband MIchael and Sarah) flying with two pieces of luggage to bring all of Sarah's belongings and then a personal carry on with our clothes for the trip.  I must say I was impressed that Sarah pared down her belongings enough to make the move manageable.  I know that is not easy to do.

When we arrived at the SFO Southwest terminal at 4 am, we found out it did not open until 5 am (even though our flight left at 6 am.)  Take note of this if you ever fly out of SFO on Southwest.  We had two smart carts stacked as high as possible with luggage.  After much consideration, Michael and Sarah had decided upon the basic army duffel to squeeze as much stuff into it as possible.

We had two of them, plus other suitcases that we had around the house.  You can sure fit alot in one of those duffel bags.  We arrived and hit the ground running looking for winter clothes for my daughter who has never been lived outside of California. We bought her some fleece, nice fur-lined boots and of course the down parka to keep her warm during those cold, cold days of winter.

 

Her room is on the fourth floor of the Lawyer's Club, a dorm for the law students right next to the Law School.  Her window is at the very top of the building.  This building was built back in the 1920's (they will be remodeling it next year).  There are no elevators ...so we certainly got our exercise.

The room had had beautiful architecture including marble windowsills and original molding.  The furniture looked original.   If it wasn't original, it was certainly very old.  It could be classified antique.  It did have a certain charm.  The windows opened out to let in a wonderful breeze.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At first glance, it looked barren, but we were able to spice it up with pictures, matching lamps and a nice rug that we found.

 
This is the law building next to the Lawyer's Club dorm.

 
Here is the new law building they built accross the street.  It was ten years of hard work to make it happen.  They used the same quarry that was used for the original building to get the stones.

 
The inside of the law school building--very beautiful architecture.

 
Of course we had to shop for the MIchigan sweatshirts, T shirts, etc.  Michael even got a mug that says "Michigan Dad".

 

 
And of course, no visit to Ann Arbor would be complete without checking out the famous ZIngerman's Deli.  Here you see their famous reuben sandwich with real Jewish pickles.  One is "old" and one is "new".  I personally liked the "new" on better.  It has inspired Michael to can some pickles himself.

We had brunch with my friend from high school, Judah Garber and his wife, Becky.  Becky is a law professor at MIchigan.  I wish I had taken some pictures.  I didn't think of it at the time. They are wonderful people and soooo supportive of Sarah.  I am glad they are there.  They live in a beautiful old home on a gorgeous street full of huge trees about a mile from the law school.

And then..it is time to say goodbye.  Sarah is my youngest and although she has been at UC Berkeley for four years, this feels like a more permanent move.  I definitely felt some sadness and angst. 

At the same time, life is all about cycles and acceptance of the cycle you are in.  It is the right time for Sarah to be in law school at the University of MIchigan.  It is the right time for me to be en empty nester reevaluating my life and feeling it out moment by moment to make sure I am open to all the possibilities.

I am grateful that my children are moving towards independence and successful careers and grateful to have my freedom, even though it is tinged with moments of nostalgia.  Their childhood went by so fast!

 

Esalen

 
Esalen is named after a Native American tribe known as "Esselen" that lived in the Big Sur area for thousands of years. It is located on 27 acres of land on the Big Sur coastline with the Santa Lucia Mountains rising sharply above the Pacific Ocean.  It is about 3 hours south of San Francisco. 

The Esalen Insitute was founded in 1962 with the goal of exploring the humanities and furthering the full realization of the human potential movement. Famous psychologists, philosophers, artists and religious thinkers have given workshops there including Abraham Maslow, Fritz Perls, Carl Rogers, BF Skinner, Ansel Adams, Moshe Feldenkrais and many, many, more.

I went there for two days last week with my friend Grace to celebrate my birthday and take one last break before my work at the junior college begins. It had been about ten years since I had been there last and I had forgotten how gloriously beautiful it can be.  Because it is on the coast, it is often fogged in, but we were blessed with clear blue skies and sun. 

I went to Santa Barbara first and spent a couple of days with my Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Bob who treated me and my friend like royalty.  But, while I was at the beach, I dropped my camera on the sand and it was no longer working.  So, I could take no pictures.  I have  included some pictures I found on the web  to give you an idea of the beauty.

There were actaully seven workshops happening that week.  Unbeknownst to me, Esther Gokhale was leading a workshop.  She wrote the book--8 Steps to A Pain-Free Back that was tremendously helpful for me not only in resolving my back pain but in helping me to be aware of how I sit, lie down, stand and walk.  Transforming my posture has made a huge difference in how my body feels.  I literally ran into her in the dining hall and got a chance to let her know how much I loved her work.  I am hoping I can eventually take her workshop.  There was also an ecstatic and middle eastern dance workshop that looked fascinating...and a metal workshop...I put down on my bucket list that I want to take an Esalen workshop in the near future.  It is not a bad way to spend the retirement years.

The grounds of Esalen are stunning and include an organic garden, a meditation yurt overlooking the ocean, an art studio, and beautiful trails and scenery.  The food at Esalen is included in the price and is absolutely delicious.  They include fresh vegetables from their garden and you get it to eat outside on this gorgeous patio overlooking the ocean.  The heart and soul of Esalen, however, are the natural sulphur hot springs that have been funneled into 

The Baths

Michael and I first discovered the baths when he was going to graduate school in the mid 1980's at the University of Santa Cruz.  Our friend Danny would come to visit and we would take the hour trip down the coast.  These were the days after marriage, but before children.  We were poor students and couldn't afford to stay at Esalen.  They offered a deal to the public between the hours of one am and five am where you could pay five dollars for use of the baths. (They still have the same deal but it is twenty dollars from one am to three am).  We were tired but blissed out to be in these beautiful hot tubs high above the ocean watching the waves crash into the shore.  The baths that we used were destroyed by the  "El Nino" storms and they raised 8 million dollars to rebuild them.

Coming down the hill to the baths you will first see an upper level with an outdoor massage deck and living roof planted with native coastal grasses.

The beauty of the baths is stunning and unparalleled.  It is perched on a rocky ledge 50 feet above the Pacific Ocean.  The same healing waters have been flowing here for centuries.  They flow from the ground at 119 degrees at 80 gallons/minute.

Sitting in the tubs you can see the waves crashing below and you can also see different sea creatures including birds, seals, otters and whales.  We saw some otters while we were there and some beautiful birds as well.

There are two sides to the baths--a quiet side and a silent side.  Each side has a changing room and there is a shower room perched right over the ocean.

There are several tubs, both indoor and outdoor and there are private claw foot tubs as well.  They have access to the hot water and you can open the tap and put in as much hot water as you want and then there is a hose to add cold water.

Swimsuits are optional.  The feel of the water is exquisite.  I truly believe in the healing quality of the water.

 

 
 

 
 
 
 

  
On my last night there, I went down to the baths at sunset.  I watched the sky turn orange and red and listened to the pounding surf.  Then, I got too hot and so I wrapped a towel around me and lay down on one of the padded tables and looked up at the sky.  There were round holes cut in the concrete overhang.  Through one of those holes, I saw the first star come out in the sky.  I couldn't remember the last time I had watched the stars come out.  I was so excited and I said out loud in a whisper to myself:

Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
Wish I may
Wish I might
Get the wish
I wish tonight.

 
I can't tell you my wish, but it was a good one, a really good one.

Thank you Esalen for allowing me to enjoy your beauty for a brief time.  I will be back...

The Art of Presence

Learning how to be present is more difficult than it seems. After years of living in my mind and focusing on the future or the past, I find myself struggling.  This morning I went on a walk, the day was gorgeous.  The sky was sparkling blue and there was just enough of a cool breeze.  Flowers were everywhere and there was the delightful smell of late summer.  But, all I could think about was work (or potential work).

I was walking in the beautiful day.  My body was there, but not my mind.  What a waste, because essentially the present is all we have.

I just finished watching Eckhart Tolle's 12 hour DVD set about the art of presence.

 

 

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday.  It was a fabulous day full of great connections with friends and gratefulness at being alive and in good health.  I was totally in the moment, not wanting the day to end.  I remembered some of the thinkgs Eckhart talked about.

Use all of your senses.

I smelled the the earth and enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my skin.  I felt the water in the pool caress my skin and the joy of my body relaxing on the chaise lounge.  I listened intently to what my friends were saying without thinking of what I wanted to say next.

When you are with people, connect in the present and completely let go of the past.

That is easier to do with some people than others. Practice makes perfect.  A part of me says that I don't want to let go of the past because there are so many good memories there.  But, there is something to be said for being so completely present in the moment with others.  The joy is richer.

Connect at a deeper level than form

This idea excites me tremendously. To go beyond the surface and send love to others and connect with their soul is very inspiring.  We can also connect with nature this way.  Tolle suggests thanking the trees and the flowers and the earth and telling them how beautiful they are.  I want to remember that the next time I take a walk.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  You are so beautiful.

Midnight in Paris

 

Michael and I went on a double date last night to see "Midnight in Paris".  Unfortunately, I cannot tell you much about the movie, because it will spoil the surprise for you completely.  But, I can tell you, it was delightful. They stuck us in a room in the back of the movie theatre that was very, very small.  Only a handful of people were in there.  When the previews came on, there was sound, but no picture.  We had to go out and talk to the people out front to tell them there was a problem. (I guess they had it on automatic timing).  I felt abandoned and certainly unimportant.  The four of us with our cohorts were part of a small quorum of people who were not watching the new Harry Potter movie on opening weekend.  I wonder how Woody Allen felt about the timing of competing with Harry Potter.  Oy.

I have always loved Woody Allen movies.  Maybe it is because he is Jewish and we have the same sense of humor, I don't know.  I was not disappointed.  After coming out of the theatre, I was still under the magic spell of the movie.  I felt a bit dizzy and disoriented and completely steeped in Paris.

The last time I was in Paris was in 1973.  It was so long ago that when I applied for a passport recently, I forgot I had ever been out of the country before.  I was eighteen years old at the time and had just graduated high school and my best friend, Claude, was from Paris.  She was an exchange student at my high school and I went to visit her and her family.  I knew more Spanish than French and kept confusing the words like "Oui" and "Si".  At the time, I was too young to appreciate where I was.  I didn't see things that I absolutely would never leave Paris without seeing today--going up in the Eiffel Tower, touring the Louvre, or Notre Dame.  I have a hard time remembering what I did see.  But, I do remember being mesmorized by the beauty of the city... and the baguettes and croissants--to die for.  I have never tasted bread that good to this day.

It filled up my heart to see the city again on screen.  There is so much culture and creativity and aliveness.  I want to go back!!!

Afterwards, we went out to a Mexican restaurant in Petaluma called "Mi Pueblo" with a three piece Mariachi band that was filled capacity.  When the band came to our table, Michael at first asked them to play "La Bamba" because that was the only Spanish song he knew.  We all disagreed and asked them to play something soft and romantic.  They chose "Tres Regalos" which means three gifts in Spanish.  The three gifts were:  the sky, the moon and the sea.  It was a lovely tune and the food was absolutely delicious.

It was a very fun night.  If you haven't seen "Midnight in Paris", go see it.  It is a treat for the senses.  Woody Allen has given me alot of joy and entertainment over the years.  The least I can do for him is to give him a bit of a marketing boost when he has such stiff competition.

Cultivating Courage and Compassion

 

Abide in the feeeling and let go of the storyline

This sums up in one sentence the essence of Pema's teachings.  Feelings, as Pema reminds us, are just energy and by feeding them with the storyline you keep them going and strengthen them. 

An image that comes to mind when I think of her teachings is driver's education.  They warn you that your first instinct when the car skids is to turn the opposite way and brake hard, but that is the worst thing you can do.  You need to turn in the direction of the skid and push the brake lightly.

  
The same can be said of emotions or discomfort.  Our first instinct is to get away as fast as we can.  Pema admits that if we are in a dangerous situation or being abused we need to do exactly that--get out.  But when we are dealing with our emotions around a situation, the after-effects of trauma or we unexpectedly have a strong emotional response--these are the times that we need to lean into the feelings and not run away.  It is not having tolerance for discomfort that creates so many problems for so many people.

Reveal Your Hidden Faults

Think of a situation recently where you did something that made you wince.  Then as you are holding this in your mind, breathe in your pain and breathe out compassion for yourself and for all other people who have ever felt this kind of pain.  Remeber to abide in the feeling without the storyline.  Don't feed the feeling with your thoughts, just feel the energy of the feeling.  Ride the wave.

Recently, I made a non-refundable plane reservation without fully checking out the situation and I thought I would have to lose the money.  It all worked out fine in the end, but at the moment I was really upset at myself.  Those old familiar feelings of blame and guilt came rushing to the surface.  I had just read this chapter on revealing your hidden faults.  So, I did just what Pema suggested when I couldn't sleep at night from the guilt.  I breathed in the shame and guilt and breathed out compassions for all those who have ever felt shame and guilt.  When I felt myself start to think about what a fool I was, why didn't I investigate more beforehand, blah, blah, blah, blah.... I stopped myself and focused on my breathing and the energy and the feeling.  It was very powerful healing.  I actually went back to sleep! 

Approach what you find Repulsive

Here Pema suggests that visualize something you might find repulsive and see if you can get closer to it and learn how to be near it without being so repulsed.  I chose hornets/yellowjackets/wasps.  I am not sure what the difference is between all three of them to be honest.  The reason I chose these flying insects is there were some in my Mom's cabin when we were down in the Ozarks.  My Mom was cool with living in the same space with them, but I struggled.  Yesterday I was with MIchael in the truck dropping off some items at Goodwill and one flew through the window right at me.  My first response was to scream and that bothered MIchael.  He told me that was not going to help and he was right.  But, I told him it was an emotional response.  So, in my visualization, I used that image.  I noticed the fear of getting stung rising within me.  I was able to see the insect as a living being flying around doing their thing and not really interested in stinging me unless they were scared or threatened in some way.  It was interesting (and worthwhile) taking the time to focus on them and my feelings about them.  Again, I breathed in the fear and abided in the feeling and sent out love to all of those who have had the same feelings.

Help Those You think You Cannot Help (or Don't Want to Help)

There are people in my life that I do not have compassion for and do not want to help. Even admitting that is painful.  I have not done this one yet, but I do think it is a good idea. It gives me much food for thought. 

Anything You are Attached To, Give That

Pema has you go through your material possessions and give them away in your mind and then when you light upon something that has a charge to it that you don't want to give away--that is the thing you focus on. For me, I thought of my moonstone.

If you are wondering--no I am not giving it away.  Absolutely not.  I have a moonstone on a necklace. My children bought it for me for my birthday at my request last year.  It has magical spiritual qualities one of which is protection.  I wear it often under my clothes.  I love touching it and looking at it and I lvoe the feel of it.  I can visualize giving them away and thousands of people having moonstones of their own.  That is the image Pema suggests.  It makes me feel very good seeing so many people have a moonstone.  My husband Michael just got one too and he loves it! 

One thing this concept has inspired me to do is to go through my things and give things away I no longer use or need.  I have made several trips to Goodwill with clothes, furniture and a variety of things and I also put things up on the "free" site on Craig's List.  A few days ago, I gave away four different full ink cartridges that do not fit my new printer.  The man who got them was so grateful.  It made me feel good.  Without this practice, they would have sat in my cabinet much longer.  I may not ever actually give away things I am attached to and hten again--who knows--I may.  In the meantime, visualizing giving them feels right.

Thank you Pema for giving me a place to go to let go of my old habits of blame, guilt and fear and cultivate courage and compassion.  I will do my best to honor your teachings by practicing them and teaching them to others when they are interested.  My hope is to have less fear in my life and to open up more energy to serve others by spending less time on self-blame and guilt. 

80 Years Young

My mother, Marilyn Probe, met her best friend, Marilyn Young, when they were sixteen years old in 1946.  They have been friends for a looooong time.  The pictures here show them in the Ozarks last week and at the Jewish sorority they were in at Washington University in St. Louis, Mo.  The two Marilyns have been going on a women only tubing/canoe trip with their friends in the Ozarks for 26 years.  This week I decided to join them and had a fabulous time.  My sister Karla and her daughter came with us and so we made it three generations of women. 

  There were about twenty or so women the first day for tubing and twelve women for canoeing.  They were all so welcoming that I felt like their long lost friend.  I was so impressed with their combined talents and capabilities.  They were intelligent, interesting, compassionate and friendly.  As women in their 70's and 80's, they could have spent their time complaining about all their aches and pains, but instead they focused on the joy of being together in the moment in a beautiful environment.

Missouri's weather is fickle.  It changes all the time and severe thundesrstorms and extreme heat in the summer are common.  So as we drove out in the country to explore the rivers, I didn't know what to expect.  The weather Gods were kind to us.  The sky was a beautiful blue and the sun shone down with love.  It was the beginning of a heat wave, but the heat had not yet become unbearable.

I had spent many of my weekends as a child in the area of MIssouri they call the "Ozarks" and have always been compelled by its beauty. American Youth Hostel (AYH) sponsored those trips and I met many wonderful people.  One of them was a man in his sixties named Orville who had the patience of a saint.  He endured being hit by branches and knocked into rocks while I learned the art of guiding the canoe in the stern.  He patiently taught me the "J stroke" and how to maneuver the canoe like a sleek snake thorugh the waters.  He also taught me how to read the waters as they tell their story--how to find the "V" to guide your canoe through, how to work with the person in the bow to warn you about obstacles and how to turn the canoe on a dime.  All those summers of my childhood, I fell in love with the river.  A love affair that has never dwindled.

Life happens--career, children and all the rest and there is not much time for the river.  But then, the children leave the nest and bits of time come back.  My body is not as young, or strong or supple, but I can still remember how to read the water and guide the canoe. It is in my bones and has never left me. 

The first day we did tubing down the Meramec.  I sat in the tube and drifted down stream with the sun shining on me.  It was gloriously beautiful.  We came to a rope swing and I thought about jumping, but decided to let the younger ones take the risk.  The sun and the water slowly relaxed me until I could float and think about nothing, nothing at all.  The present beauty filled my eyes and ears and the sun baked my skin.  The water sounded like the most delicious melody that stirred my soul.  I had forgotten how beautiful and joyous it was. The river was still here flowing...without me...and welcomed me back.

The second day, we went canoeing on the Courtois.  Marilyn was quite the tour guide.  First we went through the historic town of Cuba, Missouri and saw some of the murals there. 

The Courtois is often too shallow to canoe, but this time the water table was up with all the rain so we were blessed to be able to canoe it.  I was a bit nervous about the heat for my Mom.  I doused her with water during the journey to make sure she was OK. 

As I put the paddle in the water, memories started streaming back.  What I love about the Courtois is all its twists and turns.  You never know what is around the next corner so it is always a surprise.   My Mom and I were the lead canoe for most of the journey and we were rewarded by seeing the Great Blue Heron several times flying ahead of us, leading the way.

I was happy to find that my canoeing skills had not abandoned me as I followed the river on its trek.  We stopped on a shady sandbar for lunch next to a riffle. The food always tastes so much better outdoors.  I loved sitting in the rushing water and letting it flow over me while I turned my face to the sun.

The women were an inspiration to me.  They laughed and chatted delighting in the moments together in such beauty.  It gave me hope that should I live that long there is still much to enjoy.  Thank you Mom and Marilyn for reminding me about the importance of friendship. Thank you to all of the women for helping me remember what is important--to love and laugh and bask in the moment in the beauty of nature. 

What we Focus On, We get More Of

It is interesting what the media focuses on and what grabs their attention.  The latest example of "Weinergate" is particularly offensive to me.  There is such a glut of politicians who seem to have a problem with sexual issues.  It is a true shame, but is that where our focus should be?  Is that where we should be putting our money time and attention?  They think it sells and it does, so they keep talking and writing  about it.  But, what if we as a country stopped buying it?

I was inspired to write this blog after reading a newsletter by one of my mentors, Debbie Ford called "Sex, Politics and You".  At the end of her newsletter she gives you an option to sign a petition at:

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/shift/

The petition is called (very accurately) "Shift the Attention and Focus Now" and says:

We, the undersigned, advocate for an immediate shift in the attention and focus of our government and our media from the prurient details of the private lives of our politicians to the priorities that matter most to the quality of life for our national and global citizens, starting with jobs.

 What is really important to us as a nation?  What is important to each of us individually?

How much money is it costing to prosecute these politicians?  WIth John Edwards, it could cost millions.  Debbie Ford has the idea to fine politicians like Edwards and use that money instead to help turn the economy around and create more jobs for people.  I think that is a wonderful idea.

I work part-time at a local junior college and it breaks my heart to see what is happening there.  There are so many classes being eliminated and jobs taken away that there is hardly anything left.  Art and Physcial Education are two of my favorite departments and of course they are the first to go because they are electives for most people.  I have never understood that.  Who decides what is an elective and what is a requirement? I love art and physical education.  Over the past twelve years I have worked there, I have taken classes in both departments.

I took an art therapy class that changed my life.  She had us draw from our heart and our soul.  I had been told in elementary school that I wasn't good at art.  Now, I couldn't wait to do a drawing.  We explored all modalities:  watercolor, oil, collages,etc. I explored my past, present and future.  It helped me make decisions that changed the course of my life. I loved sharing the art and seeing what other people had learned about themselves and their lives through creating.  What makes that not as important as reading writing and arithmetic ?

Physical education was another modality that I loved exploring.  I took dance and swimming, but one of my favorite classes was in three parts:  strength and core training, cardio-vascular and stretching/yoga.  For strength and core we worked with weights and an exercise ball.  I remember being so proud of being able to do push-ups without breaking a sweat.  I could feel myself getting stronger.  For cardio-vascular, we walked around the local neighborhood. I loved getting out and breathing the fresh air and moving.  For yoga and stretching, I learned some great ways to stretch my body.  I learned about the right heart rate for me and what my body liked and didn't like.  I have integrated all three into a daily routine.  Who says that having a healthy body and learning how to keep it healthy is not as important as something else?

And how about all the wonderfully talented teachers that are losing their jobs? 

As a society, it is time for all of us to rise up and say--ENOUGH!

We need to rethink our priorities. 

At my daughter's graduation from UC Berkeley, most of the speeches were about the college's survival and need for more money.  The keynote speaker asked us to commit to giving $10.00 each to the university and texting it right then.  We did so and committed to give more.  My daughter got a fabulous education at UC Berkeley and that and law school will make a tremendous difference for her career.  It is imperative to me that universities like this stay around.

There is a great website called www.donorschoose.org  where you can pick a classroom from thousands all over the country and donate whatever you want to a specific project a teacher is requesting.  I normally pick classes with deaf children since that is my career.  I recently received thank you notes from some of them for a geology project they were able to do.  Every way we are able to help matters.

A big lesson I have learned in life is that what we focus on we get more of.  It is time to stop focusing on foolish men who are making bad choices and focus instead on creating more jobs and making education a priority.  I am committed--how about you?

Let's stand up and tell the media and the government that it is time to get our focus right.

 

  

Feast at Lele and Hula Girl

 
It is special, precious time with our daughter during this break between college and law school.  She will have internships and jobs and find a mate and have children.  It all happens in the blink of an eye.   But for now, she is only 21 and we have this time with her....doing our best to relish it.

We started our vacation with a week on Maui.  Landing here you can smell the flowers in the air.  The beeze is balmy and fills you with languor.  The first few days we laid around on the beach and by the pool unwinding and getting used to the more relaxed pace.  I was still pretty revved up.  It was not that easy for me to lay there.  I was fidgety and wanted to do something.  But, slowly, a little bit at a time the energy and grace of the island started to fill my soul.  I began to breathe more slowly and settle in.

Last night we went to a luau called "Feast at Lele".  We had no idea the setting would be so glorious. We followed the line of people into a carved out nook overlooking the ocean.  The weather was perfection--a mild 75 degrees with barely a cloud in the sky.  We were directly on the beach.

My daughter agreed to have a few professional pictures taken.  Knowing that pictures are not her favorite thing, I told her it was like a mother's day and birthday present all wrapped into one.

The food was served in four courses and a dessert.  Each course represented a different island--Hawaii, Tahiti, New Zealand and Samoa.  The courses introduced traditional foods from those islands including pork, poi, scallops, duck salad, leaf-wrapped chicken, purple sweet potatos, steak and much more...

 After each course we saw dancing from that particular island.  We watched the sun set and the stars come out in the sky.

 
 
 
 

It was delicious food and wonderful entertainment. 

This morning we got up early looking forward to a boat trip on a yacht called " Hula Girl".

 
We parked and walked out on the beach and there it was.  It had places to lie down on cushions up front, a full galley to cook meals, air conditoned seating with tables to eat and seating up top in the captain's lounge.

After settling in on the front cushions, we pushed off and set sail flying across the waves to a cove that is also a marine sancutary--no fishing allowed.  We saw the sanctuary from the road earlier in the week, but didn't realize what it was. 

When we arrived, I marveled at the calmness of the waters after the huge waves we had just traversed.  We got on our snorkeling gear and jumped in.  I loved the variety of fish--we saw small blue fish and large neon oraage and yellow fish and a long gray electric eel.  We even came upon a school of about a thousand fish all the same size anbd color swimming together in unison.

Sarah has so much energy and excitement that she makes me aware of my age.  Sigh.  She signed up for surfing when we first got here and on the boat trip she signed up for scuba diving. 

 
She loved it and says she want to become a certified diver.

The lunch was absolutely spectacular.  I had ahi salad. Michael had mahi mahi in a cream sauce served over rice and Sarah had penne pasta with clams.

The captain unfurled a huge sail and we got to watch him sail into the wind back.  It was quite astounding to see the sail switch sides.  Looking up at its mammoth size was quite intimidating.  It was severfal stories high.  The wind powered us and we flew over the waves.

 
 
 

 

 Here is the view as I am laying in the front of the boat watching the waves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love to all..I am so grateful to be here!