Lorelei

Dad's Favorite Songs

Here is my favorite picture of me and my Dad.  I got the call from my sister two weeks ago.  My Dad was not eating very much and they did not expect him to live much longer.  My Dad has dementia.  It is a terrible disease.  It takes away the person while they are still alive.

Yesterday when I talked to the hospice social worker, he told me there was a music therapist who is a part of the hospice team.  I called her and she wanted suggestions for music my Dad might like.  That led me into the memories of the music my Dad loved.

When we were growing up my Dad wrote an operetta based on the musical "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" about Edward Gardner Lewis who was the founder of town University City, Missouri.  One of the songs went like this:

O City U City
City City Bang Bang
We Love you...

Another song had a doll on a music box that turned round and round and in the movie Dick Van Dyke played a Jack in the Box who sings a duet with her. The song was called "Doll on the Music Box/Truly Scrumptious".  In the operetta my Dad wrote, I was the doll and my sister was the Jack in the Box character. My Dad wrote my sisters' part as a Frenchman.  One line that I remember goes like this (I include the French accent in the writing):

These (Zese) Americans are nothing (nusing) but barbarians...

Here is the original song from the movie:

I so wish we had videotaped our performance, but it will just have to live in my memory.

My Dad used to love to wake us up the way the way they did it in the army.  Since he didn't play the bugle, he would put his hands in two fists in front of his mouth and pretend he had a bugle and he would hum into his hands-

                                                              Reveille.

Reveille

 

Then, after he finished, he would sing:

It's time to get up
It's time to get up
It's time to get up in the morning.

I remember--I never liked it at the time.  What teenager likes to get up that way?  Smile.  Here are the "unofficial" lyrics:

Although there are no official lyrics to Reveille, these unofficial lyrics for the Commonwealth "Reveille" have been recently popularized^[2]:

Rev-eil-lee! Rev-eil-lee is sounding
The bugle calls you from your sleep; it is the break of day.
You've got to do your duty or you will get no pay.
Come, wake yourself, rouse yourself out of your sleep
And throw off the blankets and take a good peek at all
The bright signs of the break of day, so get up and do not delay.

Get Up!

Or-der-ly officer is on his round!
And if you're still a-bed he will send you to the guard
And then you'll get a drill and that will be a bitter pill:
So be up when he comes, be up when he comes,
Like a soldier at his post, a soldier at his post, all ser-ene.

To the U.S. tune:

I can't get 'em up,

I can't get 'em up,

I can't get 'em up this morning;

I can't get 'em up,

I can't get 'em up,

I can't get 'em up at all!

The corporal's worse than the privates,

The sergeant's worse than the corporals,

Lieutenant's worse than the sergeants,

And the captain's worst of all!

< repeat top six lines >

An alternate rendition to the U.S. tune above:

I can't get 'em up

I can't get 'em up

I can't get 'em up this morning;

I can't get 'em up

I can't get 'em up

I can't get 'em up at all!

And tho' the sun starts peeping,

And dawn has started creeping,

Those lazy bums keep sleeping,

They never hear my call!

< repeat top six lines >

Still another U.S. version goes:

You've got to get up

You've got to get up

You've got to get up this morning

You've got to get up

You've got to get up

Get up with the bugler's call

The major told the captain

The captain told the sergeant

The sergeant told the bugler

The bugler told them all

< repeat top six lines >

Dad often went around the house singing lines from various songs in his favorite operetta --HMS Pinafore.  The HMS Pinafore was the fourth collaboration between Gilbert and Sullivan.  It premiered May 28, 1878 and ran for 571 shows. I had no idea it was produced so long ago. 

Here are the characters:

Rt. Hon. Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B, First Lord of the Admiralty
Captain Corcoran, Commanding "H.M.S. Pinafore"
Ralph Rackstraw, able seaman
Dick Deadeye, able seaman
Tom Tucker, midshipmate
Josephine, the Captain's daughter
Hebe, Sir Joseph's first cousin
Little Buttercup, a bumboat woman

First Lord's Sisters, his Cousins and Aunts, Sailors, Marines.
The action takes place on the Quarterdeck of "H.M.S. Pinafore," 1878.

In Act I, the following happens:

 A handsome and accomplished sailor, Ralph, tells his messmates that he is in love with the Captain's daughter, Josephine. Dick Deadeye, the embodiment of the ugly truth, reminds the starry-eyed seaman that Captain's daughters don't marry foremast hands! The Captain arrives to inspect his crew. The gentleman captain sings that he never uses foul language and is never sick at sea--well, "hardly ever"

My Dad would sing:

What-- Never?
No Never.
You Mean Never?
Hardly ever.

Josephine is sought in marriage by Sir Joseph, but it seems that she has no enthusiasm for a union with that cabinet minister--secretly, she is in love with a lowly sailor: Ralph. It also seems that Little Buttercup has a romantic interest in the Captain and harbors a secret about Ralph! Finally, Sir Joseph arrives attended by his many "sisters and his cousins and his aunts,"

My Dad would sing:

His sisters and his cousins that he reckons by the dozens and his AAAUUUNNNTTTSSS!

Dad was a mountain climber in World War II and he was picked to go behind the enemy lines in Italy.  He became fluent in Italian and adopted an Italian family into his heart. He always loved Italian opera of any kind. As his birthday present last year, I bought him a 20 CD collection of the history of Opera.  Unfortunately, the collection was stolen from his room in the nursing home.   Italian Opera never failed to move him emotionally and he loved the beauty of the Italian language.  Here is Nessum Dorma sung by the acclaimed Luciano Pavarotti:

Last, but certainly not least, one of my Dad's absolute favorites was "Old Man River"  Here it is sung to perfection by Frank Sinatra. 

Ol' Man River, that Ol' Man River
He must know somepin', but he don't say nothin'
He just keeps rollin', he keeps on rollin' along
 
He don't plant taters, and he don't plant cotton
And them what plants 'em is soon forgotten
But Ol' Man River, jest keeps rollin' along
 
You and me, we sweat and strain
Bodies all achin' and wracked with pain
Tote that barge and lift that bale
Ya get a little drunk and ya lands in ja-ail
 
I gets weary and so sick of tryin'
I'm tired of livin', but I'm feared of dyin'
And Ol' Man River, he just keeps rollin' along

Dad, the wonderful songs you sung and loved will continue to live on in me.

Skating

 

I was so excited to be reminded today that the Winter Olympics are coming in February to Vancouver, Canada.  I love to watch skating. It is so beautiful to see the artistry and joy that is embodied in a truly skilled skater.  I have had my favorite skaters throughout the years.  My odds on favorite of all of them is Scott Hamilton. 

Scott won a gold medal at the Olympics in 1984.  He was proud of his performance, but said he could have been more "into the ice".  Even though his performance in 1984 was fantastic, on that night he did not have the connection with the ice that he normally has.  If you want to see him truly "into the ice" take a look at one of my favorite performances of his in the world championships in 1981.

Scott has had many physical challenges.  He stopped growing and only reached a height of 5 feet 2 and 1/2 inches.  He also had testicular cancer and more recently a brain tumor.  He will be performing for the first time in five years on Thanksgiving Day at 4pm on FOX-TV.  He and other professional skaters will be raising money for cancer research.

Skating has been embroiled In controversy for many years because of the rating scale. There is not an obvious "winner" because of speed, so they are rated on technical and artistic skill.  Both are very hard to rate and countries tend to rate their skaters higher. 

In the 2002 Olympics, David Pelletier and Jamie Sale from Canada skated a flawless performance and came in second to a Russian pair who had mistakes in their program. The French judge had made a deal to vote for the Russians.  Four days after the performance, David and Jamie were given a second gold medal.  Here is their stunning performance.

After that, they changed the judging of skating and it is very difficult to figure out from the scores how well the skaters did. Nevertheless,  I am looking forward to the Olympics and seeing the up and coming skaters.

I have always loved skating.  Growing up in St. Louis, I loved to skate outside.  We had a pond next door to our home in Lewis Park.  When it froze over, we would light bonfires and skate our hearts out.  I wish I had taken some pictures at the time. I couldn't find any pics of the pond frozen, but here it is in the summertime.

My other favorite place to skate in the winter was in Forest Park in St. Louis on the different canals there.  There were waterways that snaked their way through the park and I would skate on them and sing.  It brought me such joy.

Here is a beautiful picture of Forest Park which is a spectacular park in St. Louis.  But I could not find a picture of the frozen waterways.  They went through beautiful isolated groves of trees and it was thrilling to skate them.  I never really got into skating indoors around and around a rink.  There is something about skating outside that cannot be duplicated. I think Joni Mitchell describes it best in her song "River".

It’s coming on Christmas They’re cutting down trees They’re putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on But it don’t snow here It stays pretty green I’m going to make a lot of money Then I’m going to quit this crazy scene I wish I had a river I could skate away on I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on I made my baby cry He tried hard to help me You know, he put me at ease And he loved me so naughty Made me weak in the knees Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on I’m so hard to handle I’m selfish and I’m sad Now I’ve gone and lost the best baby That I ever had Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh I wish I had a river I made my baby say goodbye It’s coming on christmas They’re cutting down trees They’re putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Reverence

I am fascinated with Caroline Myss' new book--Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason.  In the book, she talks about the "seven dark passions" which correspond to the "seven deadly sins" that I wrote about in my Yom Kippur blog.  She also discusses the "seven graces" which are fascinating to me.  I love the idea of "living in a field of grace" and allowing grace into my life.   

My mind tends to think about problems when I am alone or doing nothing. I notice I am especially vulnerable in the late night or early morning hours. I also wake up in the middle of the night at times thinking about something I said or did that I feel badly about.  I love the idea of turning that around by learning to call on the seven graces.

Caroline writes:

The decision to consciously drift into a field of grace goes against a raging psychic current in the collective unconscious that continually reinforces the negative in our lives.  Because that psychic current is so strong, the choice to dwell in grace has to be reinforced again and again until it becomes second nature to you.  And then your second nature will gradually take over and that grace will take hold.

The first of the seven graces is:  REVERENCE.

It is hard to capture reverence in a picture.  I took a while looking through google images and picked out this picture below as the best one to express the concept of reverence.

We usually talk about reverence in reference to death.  I like the idea of bringing reverence into my life.

Caroline defines reverence in this way:

In the scriptures, this grace was called "fear of the lord", but that isn't the most effective language...Reverence is the grace that enables us to see that all of life is an interconnected field of cosmic activity that has its origins and endings in divine consciousness...Reverence also leads one ever more deeply into a sense of awe.

 

We usually think of awe in reference to children or babies and it is something we lose or forget about as we grow older.  I really want to bring that sense of awe back into my life because I think it is important to remember that the power of the source, God, or whatever name you have for that is always with us.  It is important to remember that while we are living.

When I look back on my life and events that created a sense of awe or reverence for me, there are several that come to mind.

The first one happened many years ago during my college days when I was experimenting with drugs.  I was in Grinnell, Iowa with several friends and we took a drug.  I believe it was chocolate mescaline.  I want to make it clear here that I do not advocate drug use.  I was in college in the early 70's and there was a short period of time when I experimented with drugs and I have not done so since.  That drug on that day helped me break through the walls I had between myself and the divine and really connected me in with the oneness of all life. I remember looking out onto the fields of green grass in the Midwest and I felt so connected to all of life.  I truly got that we are all one. It was an amazing feeling. 

On my first trip to Hawaii, I remember being on the phone with my husband one day and I told him I had to leave.  When he asked what was happening, I said--"the sunset". I went there with a group of women and we stayed in this beautiful house overlooking the ocean.  Every night we stopped everything to look at the sunset.  It was great to just sit there is silence and experience awe.

 

This particular picture is actually at Key West, Florida.  We went to an island there called Sunset Key just a few minutes away from Key West.  We were the last to leave the island that evening and the boat came to pick us up at sunset.  The boat driver was kind enough to stop and just let us look at the sunset and take pictures.  It was truly amazing.  When we came to shore, we saw hundreds of people lined up on the dock.  We asked the boat driver what was happening and he told us that every evening they have a celebration of the sunset on that dock.  When we got off the boat, we noticed that was true.  There were jugglers and fire eaters and food vendors and hundreds of people celebrating the sunset.  Wouldn't that be great if we had more celebrations of nature like that.  We need to encourage awe more in our culture.

I tend to be more open to awe and reverence more when I am on vacation. I would like to bring it more into my everyday life.  Last night, when I was taking out the garbage, I took some time to look at the stunning array of stars in the sky. It was the perfect temperature and the sky was completely clear. I saw the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper. Those two constellations are about the extent of my knowledge about stars.  But, I am so glad I gave myself a moment to breathe and enjoy the beauty.

 

It is possible to be in awe and experience reverence for things other than nature.  When I received the healing from Francis McNutt after I broke my leg, it was definitely awe inspiring.  My recent struggle with my foot and knee the last few years have reinforced for me that healing is a process and one that needs to be honored.  Instead of fighting the pain, I am much more accepting of it and appreciative for all I still can do.  In addition, I am listening to the pain and any messages it might be giving me and living my life accordingly.  I am in awe of the body and its natural propensity to heal.  

My work with Dr. A continues to astound me.  The acupuncture and the Chinese herbs work so well with the natural healing powers of the body.  The herbs are so different than many prescription medicines that try (mostly in vain) to stop the pain.  When I brew and drink the herbs, my body feels so nourished and blessed. 

I definitely am in awe of the beauty of language.  I remember the moment I fell in love with American Sign Language.  It was in the mid 70s.  I was working in the middle school where I met Michael and there was a young blond girl there who was signing.  She had some concern and was discussing it with the teacher.  Time slowed down and went in slow motion.  While I was watching her sign, I was so mesmerized by the beauty of the language.  It thought about children I had met who were Deaf and did not know sign language and how frustrated they were trying to communicate clearly and not being able to. I knew right then that my career would include this language.

Here is a video by a girl I really adore-Jehanne McCullough.  I have not met her.  I have only seen her on video, but I love her energy.  She is about the same age that the blond girl was that I watched in awe many years ago.  Here she signs a Thanksgiving poem.

Last, but certainly not least, no blog about reverence and awe would be complete without including the birth of my children.  I am blessed to have two wonderful children who have given me so much in the years we have had together.  Adam is 22 and Sarah will be 20 at the end of this month.  I gave birth to both of them at home and they were both natural childbirth--no drugs allowed.

The true spirit and energy of the universe comes through during the birth of a child. I was rapt in my reverence.  Was it easy? No.  But if you were ever wondering what the energy of love and goodness and the essence of Source feels like, birth allows you to feel it for that brief time of labor.  I was in awe of the whole process of pregnancy.  The actual labor and birth of my children and getting to meet them for the first time truly was a miracle.  The power of the Source we all come from was very clear.

I was so grateful to be able to have both my children at home, in my own bed with the lights down low and lay with them and my husband after the doctor and midwife had left.  Adam and Sarah--I love you. 

 

 

Prayer for Reverence (from Caroline Myss' book):

I invoke the grace of Reverence so that I might be one with all life and that my life might serve the whole.  I ask that grace alert me to all that I do that keeps me separated from my vital life force, so that I might make wiser choices.  I ask that this grace alert me to when I am compromising my intuitive guidance because I don't like what I am hearing.  I ask for the courage to hear what I must hear and to act on the guidance given me.

The Value of Education

My daughter is currently a junior at UC Berkeley and her education has been hurt by the budget cuts.  She writes eloquently about that in her entry "University in Crisis" on her blog at www.sarajacobvi@blogspot.com called Miss Jacobvitz Goes to Berkeley.

I have worked in the educational system and/or been a student my whole life. I have three degrees and the most recent one is May of this year (2009) when I received my AA degree in ASL/English interpreting from Santa Rosa Junior College.  I originally got my Bachelors Degree in psychology and I still have a still have a life teaching certificate from the state of Missouri in social sciences 7-12 grade.  When I graduated, I spent a year or two substitute teaching.  The majority of my time in schools, however, has been as a sign language interpreter in K-12 and/or post secondary level.  I used to have dreams at night about going to high school and middle school over and over again because I spent so much time in the classroom.

 

Now, I am not saying that our educational system is perfect.  It can definitely use improvements and I have some strong feelings about that I will discuss at another time, but I am constantly shocked at the lack of value our society places on education.  It is particularly clear right now with the economic crisis.  There is no money going into education and it is being cut to pieces.  The school that I work at --Santa Rosa Junior College--has slashed its classes by 17% across the board.  That includes wonderful classes, interesting classes, loss of talented teachers and dedicated staff.  Next semester they are slashing more.

K-12 has larger class sizes and less services.

In addition, for our daughter Sarah, we had to pay a 30% tuition hike in the middle of the current semester that was retroactive to the beginning of the semester.

Where is the stimulus money going?  My husband's field of environmental and structural engineering is seeing a lot of it.  There are plenty of roads being paved:

 

Three roads in my immediate neighborhood have been repaved in the last two to three months.

But, no stimulus money is being put into education.  Why?  They say it will only save jobs, not create them.  What will happen to the young people of today if they cannot afford to receive a quality education?  Does the United States believe in the value of education?  The short answer from someone who has either been a student or worked in the educational field for most of her life is--no.

What is the value of education? That is a large question and I prefer to answer it from a personal perspective.  After I received my teaching degree, I went back to school and got my masters degree in Counseling with the Deaf from Northern Illinois University. I had two children and was out of the job market for a while.   I had taken some American Sign Language (ASL) courses and so I decided to interpret in the schools (because it was a good fit with my children's schedules) with no training in interpreting and I was allowed to do so.  I am not proud of this and it was not a good idea.  There were two things that happened that convinced me to go back to school. 

• They passed a law that K-12 interpreters had to be nationally certified.
• I wanted some variety in the settings I worked in.

Finally, three years ago, they started a sign language interpreting training program at Santa Rosa Junior College and I decided to go back to school.  I knew I needed to improve , but I had no idea of the number of holes in my knowledge. 

 

What you don't know that you don't know is the largest part of your overall possible knowledge and that was certainly true of me. 

At 51 years old, going back to school is a challenge on many levels.  Most people are younger than you and familiar with the new technology of flash drives and power point, etc.  I needed to adjust to the stress of working and going to school at the same time because I was not willing to let go of the income.  Every spare moment needed to spent on homework.  But, the rewards waaaaaaaaaaaaaay outweighed the challenges.

 

This is the first graduating class of the interpreter training program at Santa Rosa Junior College.  There were nine of us and we called ourselves the "Amazing Apes".  This name came from a tradition of each graduating class choosing a handshape (ours being the handshape of the letter "A" since we were the first class) and picking an animal that had that handshape in the sign.    We chose "ape" because of a special connection we had to that animal. We wanted to celebrate Sherry Hicks' (the woman who started the program) birthday, our first year of classes.  So, we all kicked in and paid for a singing birthday telegram by a man in a gorilla suit. I will never forget the look on her face when he walked in the classroom.

There was so much I didn't know that I didn't know including ethics, sign production, Deaf culture, Deaf community, ASL grammar and linguistics...the list goes on and on.  I spent some time in deep despair that I been out there for so long with so little knowledge.  But, then I decided to let it go and just be the best interpreter I can be right here and now. 

When I am interpreting now, I feel so grateful for all my wonderful teachers.  Even though I am still not anywhere near perfect, I am so much more prepared than I was before my three years of schooling.  I am able to serve a variety of people in different settings and do a much better job on so many different levels.  Each Deaf person and hearing person I interpret for benefits from all the teachers and mentors I have had. I not only am more knowledgeable in the language...I can also more easily be a bridge between the hearing and Deaf cultures..and understand appropriate ethics and...deal with challenging situations and know how to handle them.

Here I am with two of my teachers--Sherry Hicks and Patricia Lessard.  I am extremely blessed to have had them as teachers.  They are among the top interpreters in the whole country.

Teachers are so underappreciated and undervalued.  It is hard to estimate the power of what they have shared.  It effects so many people and situations on so many different levels.

How will it effect our country when we don't make education a priority?  I really don't want to find out.

Letting Go

Letting go is not something that has ever been easy for me.  I am a Leo.  That is my sun sign, but when I got my astrology chart done, I was told I have almost all my signs in Leo. I didn't realize astrology had so many possible signs.  I had my chart read when I was in my early 20s and I have always kept it along with the cassette tapes on my reading.  The astrologist said I had six signs in earth, one sign in air, three signs in water and 21 signs in fire.  Two were cardinal, six were common and 23 were fixed.  I wasn't sure what cardinal or common meant.  He told me very clearly that I was fixed fire.  It seemed an oxymoron to me.  

I just did some research on the web and found that Aries, Scorpio, Leo and Taurus are the fixed signs and evidently my horoscope was mostly in those signs.  Here is what it had to say about the fixed signs:

The fixed signs—Taurus (fixed earth), Leo (fixed fire), Scorpio (foxed water), and Aquarius (fixed air)—are the power or kundalini signs manifesting as will. The most consistent and persistent quadruplicity, they symbolize "action motivated by principle." They are latent, stable, reserved, planners, and reservoirs of energy. Hard aspects between different fixed signs symbolize lessons we have failed to learn over many lifetimes related to the misuse of our will.

Although the fixed signs are all power signs (and collectively known as the serpent signs of the zodiac), each element in this quadruplicity is distinct. In Taurus, fixed earth, the power is latent and the serpent is coiled up energy. In Leo, fixed fire, the power is active and the serpent is uncoiled, as can be seen in the astrological glyph for Leo; in Scorpio, fixed water, the power has gone into the subconscious and the shadow, and needs to be illuminated and made conscious through self-transformation and self-knowledge ; and in Aquarius, fixed air, the universal serpent of wisdom is reflected in the power of the individual will.

Of the three quadruplicities, difficult aspects in the fixed signs are the hardest to overcome. They symbolize the misuse of self-will, and lessons one has failed to learn over many lifetimes that are deeply ingrained patterns of behavior. Only through self-discipline and a great deal of attention can their energy be constructively channeled. Isabelle Hickey calls the four fixed signs "agents of karma," and labels them "Taurus: to do, Leo: to dare, Scorpio: to be silent, Aquarius: to know." She continues, "The disciple has to build in his nature the qualities of action, courage, silence and knowledge."

and fire.... (which represents spirit and energy)

Those with planets in fire signs have a simmering at-the-ready stance, as they hunt for things that light them up. They're prone to sudden illuminating flashes of insight and bursts of enthusiasm. Like fire itself, they can flare up when inspired, making them seem very passionate about life. They like to live large, and often feel frustrated by mundane chores and duties.  Fire signs are known to be intuitive, and to rely on gut-level instincts. Going on faith in their inner guidance gets them far, but they have a tendency to skip crucial steps, or to be unaware of the emotional impact of their actions.

It is a bit depressing reading about my challenges and maybe that is why I have not looked up what "fixed fire" meant before.  I knew it would not be pretty.  I am not sure what misuse of will I have done over my lifetimes, but I do know I have some pretty ingrained  patterns and one of them is wanting to hold on and not let go.

Spirit and energy have always appealed to me.  I have studied spirituality consistently for the last 30 years.  I am almost always reading a spiritual book and have my favorite authors:

Caroline Myss. Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Cheryl Richardson, Debbie Ford, Doreen Virtue... and many more.  I have been drawn to energy work, especially energy healing and am fascinated with the work of Donna Eden.  I do her energy exercises daily. 

Reading spirituality is where I discovered "The Sedona Method" and the idea of letting go being the basis for happiness and peace of mind.  Here are the basics of the Sedona Method.

1. Allow yourself to perceive that all of your feelings culminate in the four wants: the want of approval, the want of control, the want of security, the want of separation. Then allow yourself to let go.
2. Make it constant, release these wants daily whether alone or with people.
3. If you get stuck, release the need to be
4. Allow yourself to want freedom more than you want approval, control, security and separation.stuck or unstuck.
5. Decide that you can release and be free.
6. Each time you release you will feel lighter and happier.

Lester Levenson who created the method had quite an interesting life.  He was very ill and sent home to die and he cured himself by learning to love and forgive and letting go of all of his patterns.

Easier said than done.  

I guess I am a work in progress.....

I love this song I heard today on my IPOD and have been singing aloud and in my head all day:

Way over yonder is a place that I know
Where I can find shelter from hunger and cold
And the sweet tasting good life is easily found
Way over yonder - that's where I'm bound

I know when I get there, the first thing I'll see
Is the sun shining golden - shining right down on me
Then trouble's gonna lose me - worry leave me behind
And I'll stand up proudly in true peace of mind

Way over yonder is a place I have seen
In a garden of wisdom from some long ago dream

May be tomorrow I'll find my way
To the land where the honey runs in rivers each day
And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found
Way over yonder - that's where I'm bound
Way over yonder - that's where I'm bound

Michael

My husband Michael was recently  promoted to vice president of his company and we were both thrilled with the honor.  But, I did not realize what that would mean. His new work schedule every week is he leaves town Sunday night and comes back Friday night.  It looks like this schedule will be continuing a while--at least through the middle of December. When we first learned about this, I knew I would miss him--I just didn't realize how much.

    

When we first met, we were 23 years old. I was an interpreter in his middle school classes.  He taught the Wonders of Writing (WOW) and auto mechanics (Bumps and Curves).  He was a wonderful teacher and his students loved him.  My Mom teased me about finding the only Jew in Ashland, Oregon.  But, actually, the DHH (Deaf and hard-of-hearing) teacher that I worked with in the local middle school classroom was Jewish--Mr. Wasserman.  This picture was taken when he invited us over for shabbus dinner. I fell for Michael right away. I loved talking to him--we would talk on the phone for hours about our beliefs and ideas about the future.  He was and still is a wonderful conversationalist.  I am never bored when he is around.  There is always so much to discuss.  

When I left to go get my Masters degree in Illinois in Counseling with the Deaf, I tried to convince him to go with me, but he took one look at those cornfields in DeKalb, Illinois and said no  We agreed to date other people and I was bereft.  I missed him so much.  I did my internship in Oregon and after a year and a half,  we moved in together in 1982, got married in 1983 and we have not really spent any significant time apart since--until now.

. 

We were married in Lithia Park in Ashland, Oregon.  It was part hippie and part Jewish wedding. You can see by our attire the hippie part.  Michael is wearing a raw silk shirt and birkenstocks.  We had a potluck and we did get married under a hupa which is part of the Jewish tradition.  Another Jewish tradition, is the man stomps on the glass at the end of the ceremony.  We decided we both wanted to stomp the glass. There was no rabbi in Ashland at the time so we used a very nice minister from the Unitarian church.  My Grandma Edith didn't believe we were "really' married because there was no rabbi.  We spread sheets out on the grass and ate and then went inside a small rec building and danced. I signed a song with the band and we had wonderful cake that friends made for us.  We paid for the wedding ourselves and couldn't afford a real honeymoon. We went to a small hotel on the coast for two days and didn't realize they were doing construction. We were so crazy in love and still are. We couldn't afford wedding rings and so we went to a pawn shop to get really cheap ones.  One our eighteenth anniversary he gave me the most beautiful diamond ring we had custom made with an 8 star diamond.

 

For our 25th wedding anniversary, we had the honeymoon of my dreams. We stayed for two weeks in Kauai and renewed our vows barefoot on the beach with a wonderful Hawaiian minister who blew the conch and blessed us in Hawaiian (which we both agreed sounded a lot like Hebrew).  Sorry Grandma--still no rabbi. We pledged our love to each other again and exchanged leis.  We saw dolphins and jumped off waterfalls and snorkeled in the ocean and kayaked and ,,,,,hung out and did nothing.  It was an idyllic time.

We have now been married 26 years.  He will be home for one week.  His English background in the science field has served him well.  He is now writing proposals to win work for his company.  When the request for proposal comes out, he does what it takes until it is done. The whole proposal team goes to one location.  For this proposal, they have two months.

Lying in bed this morning after he left to go get a massage, I was thinking about why I love him so much.  I know I always feel better when I am around him.  I am not the only one.  He is a popular guy.  Many people call him to help them resolve problems or just listen to his voice.  He really understands human behavior and  we have long conversations where he shares his insight into to what he believes is really going on under the surface and I share mine.  He remembers to laugh at himself and at life and does not get dragged down by the drama of it all.  He is low key and stays calm.  He is a wonderful foil for my fiery and intense personality.

Of course our marriage is not perfect and we have our moments.  But, this time apart has shown me so clearly what a wonderful choice I have made.  There is a  rightness when we are together that goes beyond any words.  We get into a flow together and it feels like I am gliding on a smooth surface full of love and light.  I feel that same thing sometimes when I am signing.  I get into the flow with the Deaf person and the speaker and I go to another place.  There is this sense of awe beyond time and space.  I can't make it happen--it just spontaneously occurs all on its own.  That is what it is like being with Michael and having him in my life.  My heart if full of gratitude for the gift that he is in my life and I hope I don't ever take that gift for granted.

Love, Belief and Healing

It is amazing how two medical professionals can see a situation so differently.  As you can tell by my last blog, I had pretty much decided to have surgery until I walked into the Chinese doctor's office.  My friend had recommended this doctor to me.  She had severe back pain and could barely walk or stand.  She thought she was going to have to live with this pain for the rest of her life until she met Dr. A.

Dr. H is a famous orthopedic surgeon who people fly in from all over the country to see. My husband owes him alot.  He has been out of pain now for about 20 years because of Dr H's wonderful surgery.  And I know Dr. H has helped many other people as well.  I am not putting down orthopedic surgeons here or Dr. H--I want to make that clear.  But at this time in my life with my situation--Dr. H is not the doctor for me.

Dr. H has the most amazing state of the art equipment in his office where you can actually see the inside of your body with xrays and MRIs in minute detail.  Last week, he walked in the room to give me the results of the MRI with a very serious look on his face.  He told me that my leg was in really bad shape (BTW--I had seen another orthopedic surgeon who had told me the same thing and had basically let me know there was nothing he could do for me except a full knee replacment and he did not recommend that for five to ten more years).  He also encouraged me to get the partial knee replacement surgery as soon as possible and made it sound like that was really my only alternative to getting out of pain.  I believed him---until I walked into Dr A's office.

Unlike the fancy office building where I saw Dr. H, Dr. A's office is on the second story of a funky strip mall.  It is a small and unassuming space.  The first thing I saw when I walked in was the doctor sitting in the reception area with her assistant and she greeted me personally.   Her greeting was kind and warm and there was a sense of compassion about her that filled the room.

Then, she had me fill out paperwork describing any challenges I have with my whole body, not just my knee.  She is a practitioner of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) which believes in treating the whole person--not just parts.  I wrote down:

• insomnia
• night sweats
• plantar fasciitis--in my right foot

and much more... 

She took my pulse and asked me if I could feel my heart beating when I lay down.  I told her that I could. She then told me that my heart was beating too fast and dealing with that was an important part of the healing.  I asked her about the surgery and she said that surgery can help in some cases but it would not help in my case because I have degeneration of the bone.  But, she can help AND---get this--she told me that my case was mild and she could heal me.  She asked me to give her one month and come in once a week for four treatments.  If I still wanted to have surgery after that, I could do it.

She asked me to make the following commitments:

• no alcohol
• no coffee
• no cold drinks
• only warm on my knee

She explained that the difference in philosophy with western and eastern medicine is that in eastern medicine it is always warm for healing, not cold.  The reason for that is that in the long run, warmth is the best for healing. Cold shrinks the blood vessels and kills the nerves, but it does not heal.  Warmth opens up the blood vessels and encourages circulation and healing.

She then did 30 minutes of acupuncture where I completely relaxed and then she gave me the herbs.  I have always been resistant to taking ibuprofen or any steroids or NSAID drugs because of the way they make me feel.  They don't feel healing more like they are trying to stop the pain. "Trying" is the operative word because most of the time it didn't work.  The cortisone shots did not work for me in my foot or in my knee.  These healing herbs are a completely different story.

When I make them into a tea and drink them, there is such a strong feeling of healing. They are working with my body to heal it rather than trying to "stop the pain". I can't put them in metal, and I didn't have any non-metal pots, so I bought a clay pot there for $8.00.

The first night after my treatment, I went right to sleep without any help.  I usually toss and turn and need to take something to help me.  Also, as those of you who are going through menopause know, I often wake up around 3 or 4 am with some sweating, but mostly this feeling of intense heat radiating from my core and it takes me an hour or two to get back to sleep.  The last few nights, I have slept for eight hours and woke up refreshed.  Wow.  What a joy.

As far as my knee--it is better. I feel some improvement.  Not alot, but some.  

I don't know for sure what will happen, but I believe I can heal and most importantly...

I am so grateful for whatever healing I am and will be receiving.  I am so grateful that Dr. A has reminded me what real healing is all about.  It is about love and  possibility.  It is about listening to the whole body and giving it what it needs.  It is about caring and compassion and belief--belief that healing can happen and all hope is not lost.  And-- it is about loving and appreciating my body and trusting in its natural ability to heal.

The Miracle of Walking

I was pretty nervous before going in for my MRI results of my knee.  I had a tough time sleeping the night before and woke up teary-eyed.  I had decided that whatever the doctor told me, I was going to wait and think it over before I made my decision.

The doctor didn't mince words.  He said that my knee was pretty bad.  It had clearly been bone on bone for a while and the two bones were grinding on each other and my knee was angry and didn't want to walk.  I told him I thought that described my knee perfectly.  He said this had been happening for at least 20 years very slowly. 

What amazed me was how bad my knee had been for such a long time and how it not really hurt until recently.  I have been very scared about having surgery.  He said he can do a partial knee replacement surgery. When he told me that I will be able to walk again without pain with the surgery--I knew I would do it.

They replace only the damaged area (which for me is the inside of the knee) with a plastic and metal insert to both sides.  He said after a one month recovery period I can go back to work with a cane.   I cannot run or jump anymore and it does not last forever--12 to 15 years max.  But, I will be able to walk

What I wasn't expecting to feel after all this difficult news to absorb, was a sense of awe about my amazing body.  It had been under so much stress for so long and somehow it had still performed so well with very little pain. 

When I first broke my leg 33 years ago, I remember being so jealous of everyone that could walk.  In those days, you stayed in the hospital longer and after the surgery on my left femur-- I was there for a month.  One day, I told my mom to hand me one of the get well cards she had taped on the wall.  She gave it to me and I tore it up.  She was shocked.  I told her I didn't want any more cards, I just wanted to be able to walk.  At first, the doctors were not sure if I would walk again and they told me I would never be able to run.  

A dear friend of my parents, Francis McNutt, was a priest but later left the priesthood to get married. He did a special healing on my knee after I had recovered from the surgery and when he was finished I could run.  I still remember running across the yard.  It was such a joyful feeling.

I will miss running--the freedom of it.  I have not been able to run in a long time in any case-now that I think about it.  I have tried to run occasionally when I want to catch a green light to go across the street or when I am late at the airport.  But, I really can't do it.  There is a natural process for me as I get older that the desire to run is not that strong anymore.

Walking, however, is a different story.  I love to walk.  I miss being able to walk without pain every day.  I remember when I first could walk again without pain after breaking my leg that I told myself I would never take walking for granted again.  But, of course, I did.  Life happened and the pain of my accident became a distant memory.  I took walking for granted for years. 

Now I can't wait to be able to walk again.  Due to the miracle of modern medicine, I plan to make that wish a reality.

Peace

I was talking with my friend Danny who has a wonderful blog called "Jew Eat Yet" about my excitement in writing a blog and also the vulnerability of sharing so much of myself with others. Danny is a true inspiration to me and an incredibly talented writer.  There were many parts that came together in the creation of this blog on peace ..like bread crumbs that were laid down to help Hansel and Gretel find their way.

I have always felt a great affinity to the "Women in Black" who stand in silence for peace all over the country.  These women stand on a particular corner in Sebastopol, CA and when I drive by them, I feel drawn to join them.  I love their commitment to the principle of peace and what that means.  I love that they don't discuss peace, but instead they just are peace .

I come by my interest in and passion for peace honestly.  My mother was very involved in the International Women's League for Peace and Freedom growing up.  My father was always passionate about peace.  I found out recently that his rabbi convinced him to go to war because the Jews were being threatened.  Being in World War II only strengthened his commitment to peace.  He told me this story about being on the front lines and walking up a hill with his gun drawn only to see a young German soldier coming up the other side with his gun drawn too.  They both looked at each other and then dropped their weapons and walked away.  That was very moving to him.  He saw himself in so many ways in that German soldier.  He was a mountain climber in Italy and went behind the lines and learned Italian and formed deep friendships with the Italian people. 

When he came home he was always very outspoken about the horrors of war and the importance of peace.  He was one of the first to speak out against the Vietnam War before it was popular.  He really encouraged me to speak out against war as did my Mom.

At 16 years old, I went to the peace march on Washington D.C. to protest the Vietnam War.  It was 1971 and the largest march on Washington D.C ever.  I remember being deeply moved by all the wonderful singers--Pete Seeger, Peter Paul and Mary and John Denver.  Here is a wonderful clip of that peace march with a song by John Denver called " The Strangest Dream".

The more we envision a peaceful world, the more it is possible. My favorite song, which I could not find a clip from on youtube was sung by Pete Seeger. It started out:

"Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me....

I have always felt very strongly that peace does begin with me. I must start the process from within.  I believe if everyone had inner peace and felt good about themselves and their lives, we would not have war.   Today in a book I am reading called:  101 Exercises for the Soul by Bernie Siegel, he wrote a list of how you know when you have reached inner peace. I really loved it.  Here it is:

1. A tendency to act and think spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences

2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

3. A loss of interest in judging other people.

4. A loss of interest in judging self

5. A loss of interest in conflict

6. A loss of ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom)

7. Frequent, overwhelming epsiodes of appreciation

8. Contented feeling of connectedness with others and nature

9. Frequent attacks of smiling

10. An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

11. An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Just reading those 11 premises of inner peace makes me smile.  I struggle with many of these, but the one I especially struggle with the most is number 4 --"A loss of interest in judging self".  Wow.  I am so hard on myself.  I love the idea of having absolutely no interest in judging myself. What a wonderful goal to be able to achieve.

Now, learning how to deal with chronic pain, I am realizing so many things.  It is important to accept the pain and not fight it.  In addition, I am acknowledging the fear and anger and doing my best to let it go go. There is also so much joy and appreciation of life.  Even though no one dies of arthritis, it still brings up for me my mortality and the fact that I am getting older.  There is so much more of life I want to live.

My sister sent me a beautiful series of ways of reframing chronic pain and I loved this one:

"I am choosing to learn new ways of being with my body.  I have a mission to bring peace to the world.  I choose the mission of bringing peace to my life"

Ultimately, I am not in charge and do not have control.  But, I do have free will.  I can accept what is happening and love my body and myself and trust that everything is unfolding for the highest good.

As Louise Hay says:

All is well.  Out of this only goodness will come.  I am safe.

In bringing more peace into my life, I hope I can make some small contribution to bringing more peace into the world.

Another one of my favorite people is Peace Pilgrim.  She started walking for peace in 1953 and walked until she died in 1981.  She had no possessions and she walked until she was given shelter and ate when she was given food. Here is what she says about inner peace:

"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others. Inner peace is not found by staying on the surface of life, or by attempting to escape from life through any means. Inner peace is found by facing life squarely, solving its problems, and delving as far beneath its surface as possible to discover its verities and realities."

House on Fire

It has been difficult to write lately.  I keep writing blogs and then deleting them.  They don't feel right.  They are too factual and not enough of the depths of what is really going on.  At the same time, what is really going on feels too intimate to share and ultimately, I am concerned, too boring.

I went to the doctor for a second opinion and he basically told me he had no magic.  He did take an MRI and told me he would let me know more next week.  In the meantime, it is painful for me to walk all the time. I am scared.  Every time I look at people now who are walking without pain, I wonder if they appreciate that simple joy.

I drew my dream pillow today.  A dream pillow is a pillowcase where you draw all the things you want to happen in your life.  I drew my foot and knee healed.  After I drew it, I took a nap and had this dream.  I was in a house, but not my current home.  Through the window, I saw this fireman motioning to me that I needed to leave my house because it was on fire.  I ran through the house calling out "FIRE!"

Then, I was in the car with my mother and sister and father.  We were driving and I didn't know where to go.  I was trying to get directions, but on one seemed to  know.  When I was driving back to the house, I was wondering if it would still be standing.

To me that makes total sense.  I really am feeling vulnerable and I don't know how this will get resolved and I have a lot of emotion around it--anger and fear.

It is so scary to have something wrong and the doctors are clear that it is permanently damaged and there is no clear fix.  I am not the only one this is happening to.  I have several friends who are going through the same thing.

Michael says our bodies are only made to last a certain amount of time and then they start to wear out and you can't replace them like car parts.

I just didn't think it would happen to me.