Lorelei

Loving Reading

I have been home sick the last couple of days and find myself really enjoying reading.  I remember that I used to read one book at a time, putting it down and then coming back to it until I was finished.  But, now it is commonplace for me to have five to six books (or more) going at the same time--fiction and non-fiction.  I want to get as many books read as I can.  There is so much wonderful information and so many delightful stories out there and I don't want to miss any of it!

I love to read memoirs.  I think one of the reasons is that I would like to write my own and I am curious what people choose to focus on.  This book, Life Itself, came from Ebert's blog and some of it is taken from there verbatim.  He focuses on a wonderful, healthy childhood and great friendships he has had through the years.  I would have liked to have read more about his wife Chaz.  She sounds like a real gem. I loved his descriptions of his travels, especially to Europe.  He goes into detail about his favorite hotel in London and walking the streets for hours.  I appreciated his honesty about his illnesses including alcoholism and cancer.  

I started the first book of a series by Diana Gabaldon.  It is called Outlander as it is a time travel story that takes place in Scotland in the mid eighteenth century.  She starts out in the 20th century and then goes back in time.  This story has everything from medical knowledge (she is a nurse), witchcraft, intense love story, and many of the politics between England and Scotland at the time.  Sometimes, the violence became too much for me.  But, I loved the beautiful love story and the back drop of Scotland and England.  One of my favorite parts is to imagine what it must be like to live in a time when there are no freeways or cars or pollution as we know it today.  She descibes the countryside in such detail that I can almost see it before my eyes.  I listened to the first part of this on CD and then read the second half. I loved the accent of the narrator, but I also loved being able to read it as well and go at my own pace.

 

The Language of Emotions:  What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You by Karla McLaren takes you on a fascinating inner journey.  This book is teaching me how to embrace my feelings one at a time.  After years of repressing them or expressing them inappropriately it is so refreshing to have an alternative.  Karla discourages the use of affirmations or any other "New Age" technique that may try to erase emotions.  She believes every single emotion has a message to give you.  You need to get the message first before you let the emotion go.  She asks you to "follow the tracks into the heart of the trouble" which I have found so far to be a fascinating journey.  

Having spent most of my life trying to deal with repetitive worrying, her techniques are effective and refreshing.  They are helping me to establish a whole new way of viewing and dealing with my emotions and my life.  As I follow and accept my emotions, they have a way of resolving themselves naturally which is healing and awe-inspiring.

She works with imagery and energy to ground yourself daily.  She teaches you how to do conscious complaining to get your gripes out with no one else around.  Her practice of rejuvenation where you imagine a beautiful place and take yourself there is blissful.  It has also inspired me to actually revisit some of my favorite spots.  I recently got directions to my favorite swimming hole near Ashland, Oregon and plan to go there this summer. 

Preceding Part II is this classic Rumi poem that I love:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

We are coming up on the year anniversary of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami that devastated the country and changed the earth's rotation around the sun. 

My husband Michael, who is an environmental engineer, recently won a contract to clean up several of the twelve towns that have been completely evacuated until they can be clean enough for people to return.  In order to do that, everything must be cleaned up.  All the houses have to be demolished and every piece of dirt, tree, mountainside, park. etc. must be checked for nuclear contamination.  Michael may be going to Tokyo to help administer the contract and depending on how long he is there, I may go visit as well.  We have both decided to learn as much as we can about the Japanese langauge and culture.

 

We are taking a six week class at the local community college to learn some basic conversational Japanese phrases.  The teacher recommended this book about the culture which is written by an American businessman who has spent over 30 years in Japan. 

This book is a quick and easy read and really gives me a flavor of the culture.  It is very different from my Jewish culture.  For starters, no interrupting or disagreeing in public.  That is going to take some holding back on my part!  I am learning how and when to bow,

how to navigate public transportation at rush hour and the various types of tea ceremonies.

I hope I get a chance to experience this fascinating culture.

I have always had an interest in alternative healing.  This book is a series of case histories of patients that have been cured of every illness imaginable at a hospital in China where they do qigong six to eight hours a day.  Most of the people are severely ill and have come here as a last ditch effort to survive. 

It is a true testament to the body's natural power to heal itself.  I like to read it to remind myself of that.  There is also an accompanying DVD that teaches the techniques that were used at the hospital.  I am enjoying learning those as well.

Feel free to share with me books that you are enjoying right now.

Favorite Books of 2011

I want to first want to thank www.goodreads.com for being such an awesome website and helping me organize all my books as well as give me great ideas about what to read.  I love to read sooooooo much and am so grateful for the tremendous amount of books to choose from and the richness of talent out there.  This year I got my first kindle.  I was not sure how that would affect my use of the library.  My love of or use of the local library has not diminished one iota.  I still borrow the book first if I can and use my kindle for books I cannot find there.

Libraries are going through tough times with budget cuts.  I encourage you to donate to help support your local library if you are not doing so already.  It is a wonderful service that deserves our support.  A special thanks and shout out to my local Rohnert Park library.

If you are thinking about buying a kindle, I have several suggestions for you.  First of all, you definitely want to get 3G.  It is very convenient.  You will also want a cover, but do not get a regular cover because it will drain the battery.   Get a cover with the light.  That is also handy to have at night.  You can still underline all your favorite parts and they will keep them for you all in one section.  It is so easy to just throw in your purse of backpack and you can read three or four books at the same time.  I love that you can adjust the font to any size.  If you like to read romance novels like I do, it is wonderful because you don't have to shlep around books with all those awful covers of bare chested men kissing women.  You can read what you want in peace without being embarassed or judged.  I do have to put myself on a monthly budget because it is too easy to buy at the touch of a button.  I must say I really love my kindle.  I highly recommend getting one.

Now on to my favorite books of 2011 (in no particular order):

 

1. The Book of Awakening:  Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo

 

 

This book has been keeping me company all year long.  There is an entry for each day of the year.  Written by philospher, poet and cancer survivor, Mark Nepo, it is a refreshing, uplifting and inspiring read.  I turn to it every morning to start my day and I will miss it when I finish it on December 31st.  It will be like losing a good friend.  Mark's words resonate with me and make me think about things long after I am finished reading.  He also has an exercise after each reading that you can do to help you receive more insight into your own life and personal growth.  Mark is able to take the inner spiritual journey and turn it into words that ring true.  Because my inner work is such an integral part of my life, I really enjoy his work.

 It is so essential to me to have an inspiring book to read on a daily basis.  This will be  a tough one to replace.

 

 

 2.  The Paleo Diet by Loren Cardain

I have tried many diet books including the book Intuitive Eating which says you can eat anything you want as long as you do it in moderation. I tried that and gained 12 pounds.  Believe me, I am not a big fan of diets, but when you are over fifty you just can't eat like you used too unless you want to grow out of all your clothes and live in tights and mumus. Exercise alone does not work. Believe me, I have tried it. I also want to live a long life and have a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI).  This book helps you figure out your BMI and set a goal for weight loss.  It also talks about common sense ideas like eating natural foods that we were designed to eat like fruits, vegetables, and lean meats and not eating all the rest of it.  The hardest part is staying away from sugar, dairy and bread.  I tell them to take away the bread basket at the restaurant table.  It has been two months and the weight is slowly coming off.  I have lost 11 pounds and have about 15 more to go.  My knee is hurting less and I feel better in my own skin.  It still isn't easy (I don't think it ever will be), but it is worth it.

 

 3.  Two Kisses for Maddy:  A Memoir of Loss and Love by Matthew Logelin

This book started out as a blog written by Matthew when he lost his wife in childbirth.  It is an incredibly heartwarming and moving story about his life as a widower raising his child alone and grieving for his wife.  The book has been on the bestsellers list and just won for best memoir and autobiography of the year on Goodreads. 

It is wonderful after reading the book, to follow along on his blog and see Maddy grow up.  Matthew also has a special fund in his wife's name to help other widows and widowers. 

 

 

4.  Life is a Verb:  37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful and Live Intentionally by Patti Digh

When Patti's stepfather was told he only had 37 days to live, she wondered how she could make those 37 days count for him.  She realized that living your best life means living every day with intention.  Patti provides 37 inspiring life stories that illustrate how to love more, slow down, trust yourself, be generous, say yes and speak up.  This book also comes from her blog where she had a contest for illustrations and got so many entries that she ended up finding a way to put in as many of them as possible. 

This is one book you do not want to buy on kindle.  She has wide margins for you to make notes and beautiful illustrations throughout.  She also includes action challenges, movement challenges, and prompts for free-writes.  I have done many of her challenges and still have many more that I want to do.  My favorite so far, was writing haiku everyday for 37 days.  This is a book to treasure.

 

5. 8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back:  Natural Posture Solutions for Pain in the Back, Neck, Shoulder, Hip, Knee and Foot (Remember When It Didn't Hurt) by Esther Gokhale

 This past summer, my back started hurting and it would not stop.  I was told about this book by my therapist.  Esther Gokhale had back surgery and was in pain for a long time before she traveled the world and did her own research about how people avoid back pain.  She found out that it all comes down to good posture while you are sitting, standing, walking and lying down.  She also teaches you how to bend from the hips corrrectly and introduces you to your "inner corset".  

I was fascinated that by simply having correct posture you can heal your back while you are doing regular activities everyday. Again, you want to buy the real book for this one, not the kindle version. The pictures showing correct posture are exquisitely beautiful.  I still want to take her workshop, but it is a bit pricy at $450.00.

 

6.  Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult

 

I wanted to include one fiction book in the mix.  It was a tough choice, but Sing You Home is a book that is hard to put down.  This a story of Zoe, a music therapist, and her husband Max and their desperate attempts to battle infertility and have a child.  It encompasses love, gay rights, healing with music, legal battles, christian right, alcoholism, 12 step programs, miscarriages, and infertility treatments.  It runs the gamut of the emotional spectrum from the depths of despair to the heights of joy.

I also like how she tells the story from different characters perspective.

If you are looking for a good read, you will not be disappointed.

 

Feel free to check out my favorites and/or find some of your own, but be sure to take the time to read.  My dear friend had a stroke a couple of years ago and can no longer read.  Don't take it for granted.  Take some time during the holidays and curl up with a good book by the fire.

Cultivating Courage and Compassion

 

Abide in the feeeling and let go of the storyline

This sums up in one sentence the essence of Pema's teachings.  Feelings, as Pema reminds us, are just energy and by feeding them with the storyline you keep them going and strengthen them. 

An image that comes to mind when I think of her teachings is driver's education.  They warn you that your first instinct when the car skids is to turn the opposite way and brake hard, but that is the worst thing you can do.  You need to turn in the direction of the skid and push the brake lightly.

  
The same can be said of emotions or discomfort.  Our first instinct is to get away as fast as we can.  Pema admits that if we are in a dangerous situation or being abused we need to do exactly that--get out.  But when we are dealing with our emotions around a situation, the after-effects of trauma or we unexpectedly have a strong emotional response--these are the times that we need to lean into the feelings and not run away.  It is not having tolerance for discomfort that creates so many problems for so many people.

Reveal Your Hidden Faults

Think of a situation recently where you did something that made you wince.  Then as you are holding this in your mind, breathe in your pain and breathe out compassion for yourself and for all other people who have ever felt this kind of pain.  Remeber to abide in the feeling without the storyline.  Don't feed the feeling with your thoughts, just feel the energy of the feeling.  Ride the wave.

Recently, I made a non-refundable plane reservation without fully checking out the situation and I thought I would have to lose the money.  It all worked out fine in the end, but at the moment I was really upset at myself.  Those old familiar feelings of blame and guilt came rushing to the surface.  I had just read this chapter on revealing your hidden faults.  So, I did just what Pema suggested when I couldn't sleep at night from the guilt.  I breathed in the shame and guilt and breathed out compassions for all those who have ever felt shame and guilt.  When I felt myself start to think about what a fool I was, why didn't I investigate more beforehand, blah, blah, blah, blah.... I stopped myself and focused on my breathing and the energy and the feeling.  It was very powerful healing.  I actually went back to sleep! 

Approach what you find Repulsive

Here Pema suggests that visualize something you might find repulsive and see if you can get closer to it and learn how to be near it without being so repulsed.  I chose hornets/yellowjackets/wasps.  I am not sure what the difference is between all three of them to be honest.  The reason I chose these flying insects is there were some in my Mom's cabin when we were down in the Ozarks.  My Mom was cool with living in the same space with them, but I struggled.  Yesterday I was with MIchael in the truck dropping off some items at Goodwill and one flew through the window right at me.  My first response was to scream and that bothered MIchael.  He told me that was not going to help and he was right.  But, I told him it was an emotional response.  So, in my visualization, I used that image.  I noticed the fear of getting stung rising within me.  I was able to see the insect as a living being flying around doing their thing and not really interested in stinging me unless they were scared or threatened in some way.  It was interesting (and worthwhile) taking the time to focus on them and my feelings about them.  Again, I breathed in the fear and abided in the feeling and sent out love to all of those who have had the same feelings.

Help Those You think You Cannot Help (or Don't Want to Help)

There are people in my life that I do not have compassion for and do not want to help. Even admitting that is painful.  I have not done this one yet, but I do think it is a good idea. It gives me much food for thought. 

Anything You are Attached To, Give That

Pema has you go through your material possessions and give them away in your mind and then when you light upon something that has a charge to it that you don't want to give away--that is the thing you focus on. For me, I thought of my moonstone.

If you are wondering--no I am not giving it away.  Absolutely not.  I have a moonstone on a necklace. My children bought it for me for my birthday at my request last year.  It has magical spiritual qualities one of which is protection.  I wear it often under my clothes.  I love touching it and looking at it and I lvoe the feel of it.  I can visualize giving them away and thousands of people having moonstones of their own.  That is the image Pema suggests.  It makes me feel very good seeing so many people have a moonstone.  My husband Michael just got one too and he loves it! 

One thing this concept has inspired me to do is to go through my things and give things away I no longer use or need.  I have made several trips to Goodwill with clothes, furniture and a variety of things and I also put things up on the "free" site on Craig's List.  A few days ago, I gave away four different full ink cartridges that do not fit my new printer.  The man who got them was so grateful.  It made me feel good.  Without this practice, they would have sat in my cabinet much longer.  I may not ever actually give away things I am attached to and hten again--who knows--I may.  In the meantime, visualizing giving them feels right.

Thank you Pema for giving me a place to go to let go of my old habits of blame, guilt and fear and cultivate courage and compassion.  I will do my best to honor your teachings by practicing them and teaching them to others when they are interested.  My hope is to have less fear in my life and to open up more energy to serve others by spending less time on self-blame and guilt. 

Food

This book has changed my attitude toward food and my body.  It is brilliantly written.  Here are her guidelines for eating:

1. Eat when you are hungry

2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment.  This does not include the car.

3. Eat without distractions.  Distractions include:  radio, television, newspaper, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations, and music.

4. Eat only what your body wants.

5. Eat until you are satisfied.

6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

I realize most of the time I go somewhere else when I eat and don't think about it at all.  I always have the TV on when I eat alone.  Most restaurants have music.  Sometimes the music bothers me-- especially when I can't hear people talking and/or I am there with my mother who is hard-of-hearing.  I ask them to turn it down.  Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.  Often, if they do turn it down, they will turn it back up ten or fifteen minutes later.  It makes sense that if I am paying attention to my People magazine, the TV show or straining to hear others because the music is so loud that I don't notice when I am full and I keep eating mindlessly.  I have a compulsion to finish everything on my plate.  I guess it is a habit from when I was younger and my parents told me to not let it go to waste.  I am not sure exactly, but the bottom line is I don't feel comfortable leaving food on my plate.

 I often eat when I am not hungry.   Maybe I do this because I have to work and if I don't eat right then, I won't get to eat later or everyone else is eating or the food is there so why not.  If I am eating something I think I shouldn't be eating (ie: a piece of cake, ice cream, yummy sourdough bread, butter, ---really the list can go on and on), I don't really enjoy eating it.  I feel guilty the whole time.  I don't really think about what my body wants.  It is really my taste buds and my mind leading the show. 

Eating in the car is something I do all the time.  Often I don't have enough time between jobs and so I carry my lunch and as I am driving, I stuff the food in my mouth.  Looking back on it, I can see how that may not digest so well.

I decided to try out the principles in the book this morning when my family went to Frontier Restaurant here in Albuquerque, New Mexico for breakfast.

Frontier is a very successful restaurant that has been in business in Albuquerque since 1971.  It is across the street from the University of New Mexico.  You order from a menu tacked on the wall.

 
Well, first, I was hungry.  It was 10:30 am and I hadn't eaten since last night.  One point for me.  Looking over the possibilities, I consciously checked in with my body to see what it wanted to eat.  It felt different than going with my taste buds or my mind.  I decided on the breakfast burrito with bacon.  I also got a glass of fresh orange juice.  One of the challenges for me at Frontier is that they have these sweet rolls there that they make fresh fresh right in front of you.  They are famous for them.  People come from all over to buy them and they take cases of them home to go.  I have tried to resist them when I go there, but have not been successful.

As a compromise this time, I decided to split one with Michael.  We both agreed we could share the plate as well because part of the experience of eating the cinnamon roll is scooping up the butter and icing from the plate.

The environment at Frontier is very laid back and casual.  There is no music.  So, that was good.  I took a moment to look at my food and acknowledge it which I usually do not do.  I did a brief prayer of thanks.

I was eating in front of others, so I had that covered.  Normally, I would feel guilty because my nutritionist told me I am supposed to stay away from wheat if I want to lose weight, but I let that go completely.  As I bit into the burrito, I was very aware of all the tastes and it was delicious.  The eggs were perfectly cooked as were the potatoes--moist and good.  The bacon was crunchy and the texture delightful.  The green chile is an ingredient we don't have in California.  It added an interesting flavor.  I found myself enjoying very bite.  The orange juice was freshly squeezed from real oranges right there on the premises.  Normally, I don't allow myself fresh orange juice because it is not as nutritious as a whole orange and it has too much sugar.  But, again, I let that go and thoroughly tasted and relished my fresh orange juice.  I ate with gusto and pleasure.

At the end of my burrito, I had two bites left and I noticed I was getting full.  I wanted to stop and leave the two bites on the plate, but that was very hard to do.  As a compromise, I took off the tortilla portion and just ate what was inside.  That felt like the perfect decision.

The sweet roll was where my real guilt usually kicked in.  I would tell myself in the past that even though it was there, I still should not eat it.  This was my last chance. How could I do this, etc.etc. etc.  This voice inside my head is what Geneen Roth calls "the Voice".  Her best advice when "the Voice" kicks in is to tell it to shut up strongly and clearly.  That is just what I did.  I savored every bite of my half of the sweet roll (which felt like the perfect amount).  I especially enjoyed dipping it in the icing and butter.

After the meal, I was not uncomfortably full or hurting as I often am after eating (especially in Mexican restaurants).  My body seemed content, but I had not eaten too much.

Later on in the day, it was very hot and we were coming home from a hike and I suggested we stop for something cold and sweet.   I ended up getting a pomegranate sorbet smoothie with seltzer water and ice.  It was delicious.

Tonight we had dinner at my mother-in-law's house.  I enjoyed the salad and tzimmes and stopped when I was full.  When she brought out the three different kinds of ice cream and cake, I checked in with my body and it was not interested, so I had some fresh cherries instead.

It is quite amazing for me to stop the war.  I am not fighting with my body, but loving it and listening to it instead.  What a novel concept!  Roth says it is not possible to make true progress that is long-lasting when you are fighting with your body.  That makes sense to me.  I love the idea of loving my body and loving the food that goes in it.

I am curious to see what happens to my weight.  More that that, I am eager and interested and curious to see what happens with my life.  Thank you Geneen Roth for this common sense approach.

Cravings

 

After watching my weight creep up on the scale for weeks, pound after pound, I finally decided to get serious.  I was frustrated because I was exercising 25-30 minutes daily and doing my yoga stretches.  I was using all kinds of excuses like the fact that I was entering menopause, getting older, etc. Then, when my husband lost ten pounds, I decided to face the music.   The bottom line was I was not eating well.  It was time to clean up my act.

I started from the ground up.  Only organic vegetables, fruits and meat.  I found out that my corner grocery store often didn't have organic meat and the selection of organic fruits and vegetables were meager.  So, I started making Whole Foods Market my second home.  No more eating out.  I bring my lunch with me.  If I am stuck midday with no food, I make a beeline to the nearest Whole Foods.  No sugar, flour, dairy or wheat. I keep my starches to a minimum--brown rice only and limited potatoes. No deep fried foods. I allow myself a few cheats a week. 

There was only one problem.  I would finish my meal, my stomach would be full, but I was not happy.  I would have these terrible cravings.  Visions of sugar danced in my head.  I dreamed about french fries.  Everywhere I looked, I was tempted.

After eating clean for a while, I was feeling so much more energy.  I noticed that when I gave in to the cravings and ate some sugar or fried foods, I would feel lousy.

And then, a great book came in to my life:

David Kessler talks about how the food in American restaurants and stores are manufactured to make us crave more and have an insatiable appetite.  Here is a quote from the makers of the Cinnabon cinnamon bun:

"We wanted a dough that had a quality like a pillow, and dough that would be soft..and then a syrup--the cinnamon caramel in the center would be very soft and syrupy so there would be these contrasts of textures."

"When you eat a snickers bar, the chocolate, caramel, the nougat and the peanuts all disappear at the same time.  You're not getting a buildup of stuff in your mouth".

"Buffalo wings are typically seasoned, battered, breaded and par-fried, then individually par frozen at the plant and shipped off to be fried again before serving.  The creamy high-fat dipping sauce they are served with comes out of a jar."

The goal is to make food irresistible so that you will eat and eat even when you are full.  Kessler says:

"It isn't just the sugar, fat, or salt, but the right proportion of each.  It isn't just one flavor note, but many.  Not one sensory stimulus, but multiple effects."

For most of human history, we have eaten unadorned fruits, vegetables and animals.  Recently, things have changed.

"Foods high in sugar, salt and fat promote more of everything:

• more arousal
• more thoughts of food
• more urge to pursue food
• more consumption
• more overeating to feel better
• more delay in feeling full
• more loss of control
• more preoccupation with food
• more and more weight gain "

Wow.  That totally makes sense.

It becomes a vicious cycle----craving the food, fighting with yourself, giving in and eating the food and then wanting it even more the next time.  So, how do you break the cycle?

I was surprised to find out that I was already doing some of the things he suggested.  Awareness is the first step and then remembering that I feel better when I don't follow my urges.  I feel more energy and look and feel healthier.  Support is crucial.  The fact that Michael  and I are both changing our eating habits together is really effective.  We don't have our trigger foods in the house.  Over the last few weeks, as I am able to say no more to the foods that are not good for me, it becomes easier to do.

I know I can't deprive myself or I will binge, so I am allowing myself fruit desserts and a few cheats now and then so I don't get out of control. 

I never thought of myself as an emotional eater until I was angry the other day and I found myself in the kitchen munching loudly on pistachio nuts before I even realized I was eating.  That was quite a wake up call.

I am recognizing some of my favorite foods that are good for me:

This last few weeks on my new diet, I have not lost a lot of weight yet--only around four or five pounds.  My new commitment is to eat what is best for my body and only eat when I am hungry. We will see how it goes.....Weight loss or not, I am excited about the change.

Taming the Mind

I have been listening to the audio on this amazing  course by Pema Chodron.  She came to the Bay Area and did a six week intensive study course.  Parts of that course have been recorded and documented in 8 CDs in this audio.  The course focuses on the four great catalysts of awakening from Buddhist practice:

• loving-kindness
• compassion
• joy
• equanimity

Each week she assigns homework.  Last week I did the homework for joy.  You are supposed to pick a day and notice all the things that bring you joy.  I was surprised and delighted with what I found out.  I loved getting my hair washed at the beauty salon.  It is a really wonderful thing--there are so many nerve ending in the head and my body was blissed out.  I loved lying right next to the fire, feeling the heat and looking at the flames.  I loved looking at my daughter Sarah's face.  Usually her hair covers up most of her face, but after we went to the beauty salon, her hair was pulled back.  I really appreciated her beauty and her youth.  I remember my grandfather pinching my cheeks and saying "shana punim" which means pretty face in Yiddish.  I could never understand what he was so excited about.  Now I get it.  Focusing on what brings me joy was very powerful and enlightening.

One point in learning these four catalysts is to help us to not be dragged off by our stories.  When we allow our stories to run our life, we are miserable.  Pema says "The hook is delicious, even though we know it is poison.  We think if we eat the poison, it will kill the rat."  What she means is if we allow ourselves to be caught up in a story about how we dislike someone, for example, we think somehow that will help the situation.  It does not hurt the person we dislike, it only hurts us.

Looking at that picture of the rat poison is so powerful.  It is quite an image.  Pema is clear that if you allow your mind to continue with the negative stories, you strengthen that pattern and it will continue to become stronger and stronger and poison your life. At 54 years old, I know that to be true and I am ready to change.

I especially struggle with the negative thought patterns right before bed and when I wake up in the morning.  Even when I realize what I am doing, I tell myself --"This time it is important.  You really need to think about this one. I don't want to change this. I want to keep this pattern--just for now."  

I am fascinated with Pema's ideas about how to tame the mind.

1. Teach the Dharma.  Ask yourself if you want to strengthen this pattern.

2. Think bigger.  Have compassion with all people who are struggling with this same issue of negative stories and thought patterns and wish for all of us to be free from this.  

3. Be curious.  Notice what is happening from a curious witness perspective.  Notice the fluidity and impermanence of the thoughts.  Breathe in and out and stay with it.  The thoughts come and go.  Even if you are obsessing, notice how you obsess over different things.  Everything is shifting and changing.

Even with these tools, it often feels like nothing is happening.  But as we stay with the quality of the moment rather than going with the old patterns, we are no longer empowering them.  Like the clouds in the sky, they start to pull apart.  What we thought was solid, we now see is not.  It is moving and open.  That is the truth.

My Worst Character Flaws

I was reading the preview of Elizabeth Gilbert's new book in O magazine.  In the excerpt of the book, she talks about committing to other people and how scary it is.  None of us are perfect.  She had been through one divorce and didn't want to get married a second time, but through a series of circumstances she makes peace with marriage and decides to try it again.  For those of you who have read Eat, Pray, Love, she marries Felipe who she met at the end of the book.

Before the big day, she decides to write a "prenuptial informed consent release" where she lists her five worst character flaws.  That way her fiancee walks into the marriage with his eyes wide open knowing exactly what he is getting.  I found the five to be fascinating reading.  They are:

1.  I think very highly of my own opinion.  I generally believe that I know best how everyone in the world should be living their lives--and you, most of all will be the victim of this.

2. I require an amount of devotional attention that would have made Marie Antoinette blush.

3. I have far more enthusiasm in life than I have actual energy.  In my excitement, I routinely take on more that I can physically or emotionally handle, which causes me to break down in quite predictable displays of dramatic exhaustion.  You will be the one burdened with the job of mopping me up every time I've overextended myself and then fallen apart.  This will be unbelievably tedious.  I apologize in advance.

4. I am openly prideful, secretly judgmental, and cowardly in conflict.  All these things collude at times and turn me into a big, fat liar.

5. My most dishonorable fault of all:  Though it takes me a long while to get to this point, the moment I have decided that somebody is unforgivable, that person will very likely remain unforgiven for life--all too often cut off forever, without fair warning, explanation or another chance.

I agree with Elizabeth that marriage is about loving each other despite our flaws.  I couldn't read her list, however, without thinking about what my flaws were.  After so many years of positive affirmations and focusing on the positive, I became gleeful at the prospect.

Take a deep breath.  Here goes:

1.  I like to talk and will talk more loudly and often than necessary.  I love to interrupt others when they are talking and do so often and without apology. I am not the best listener.

2. When dealing with conflict, I don't know the meaning of the word "tact".   I like to dig right in and be very direct about how I see the situation--no holds barred.  I do not like the idea of you "taking space for a while".  I want to "strike while the iron is hot" and hash it out until we have dealt with every last issue.

3. I tend to repeat myself.  I will say things more than once and not realize I am doing so.  I want to warn you that this may drive you crazy

4.  I easily lose my train of thought and stop in the middle of a sentence...and trail off.  In the middle of speaking, I come up with non-sequiturs that make sense only to me.

5. I ask for help before I have thoroughly tried to figure something out for myself.  That could be not taking the time to look for something in the kitchen or figure out how the computer works or a myriad of other things.  When I ask for help, I don't bother to go to where you are.  Instead, I yell into the other room and hope you will hear me and come to where I am.

Wow.  That was so much fun!!  I thought of way more than five.  It was hard to narrow it down.  The easiest way for me to think of my flaws was to remember what my kids have told me.  They are experts at pointing them out and have no hesitation about doing so.

Thank you Michael for sticking with me for 26 years and loving me in spite of it all.  You are the best.

 

Ten Favorite Books

I love to read. I have been  inspired by magazines and newspapers I have read recently that have listed their favorite books of the last decade. My  list is a bit different because it includes ten of my favorite books that I have read (but not necessarily have been written) in the last decade. 

My two favorite genres are romance and spirituality.  Occasionally, I will like a book that is not in those genres, but most of the books I love have some kind of romance or spiritual/self-help included.  The romance books I love because I am a romantic at heart.  I am like many women that way.  The spiritual books are more focused on learning about life and the best way to live it.

A really good book feeds my soul.  I am moved emotionally and spiritually and I don't want to finish it. It was really hard to pick only ten.  The books I have listed are in no particular order.  I love them all.

1. The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield

Jack Kornfield actually has a retreat called "Spirit Rock" right here in the Bay Area.  It is way up at the top of Sir Francis Drake Blvd in Marin County.  I have only been there once--the night my Dad died--November 30, 2009.  Every Monday, they have a vegetarian dinner, meditation and then discussion.  It is quite wonderful.  This particular night they also had a Buddhist monk from Tibet.  I have fallen in love with Buddhism.  Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron are two of my favorite authors that really explain the Buddhist religion in a way that is easy to understand and integrate into your life.  I am Jewish and will always be Jewish.  It is in my blood.  But, Buddhism really resonates with me and I am constantly fascinated with all I can learn. Studying this religion is changing my life.

I remember when I walked into my first psychology class the first week of college back in 1973, I was so excited to learn more about how the mind worked.  I was so disappointed to learn classical and operant conditioning.  It was completely boring.  Today Buddhist psychology offers me all that I was looking for back then. 

Compassion: Learning how to view others with compassion no matter how much they may hurt me or others.  Also, being willing to feel people's pain with them lightens the load for everyone.  Sending love to people no matter where they are is such a powerful tool.  It works every time to help those I love.  For those I am having conflicts with, it works as well.  The conflict is resolved many times in ways you could never have envisioned on your own.

Emotions:  I have struggled my whole life learning how to deal with negative emotions and I am still learning.  Mindfulness is a wonderful concept to me.  It teaches, through the tool of meditation, how to neither suppress nor get caught up in emotion.  Instead, I am in a place of witnessing the emotions with great honor and respect.  After so many years of trying to "get rid of" my emotions, it is a real joy to learn the practice of mindfulness.

Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly.
let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
as few human or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft
my voice so tender
my need of god
absolutely clear.
–Hafiz

Allowing myself to feel emotions like loneliness is so important.  People ask me if I am lonely with Michael gone sometimes.  Of course I am.  However, there is also something beautiful about loneliness along with the pain.  When I allow myself to really feel it and am not be afraid of the pain, I learn so much about myself.

2. Non-Violent Communication:  The Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

Marshall Rosenberg is world famous for creating a language and an atmosphere to help people resolve their conflicts peacefully.  He has done negotiations with different factions in the Middle East and worked with families that have extremely difficult and painful situations.  There is no situation too challenging.  Marshall use of language and life philosophy works with everything. 

In addition to reading his book, I also took classes once or twice a month for about a year to learn how to use the language in everyday life.  Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is based on having compassion for everyone (which dovetails with the Buddhist philosophy) including yourself.  It starts with identifying your feelings.  They have long lists of feeling words to choose from.  Examples are:

• amazed
• hopeful
• intrigued
• touched
• frightened
• frustrated
• helpless
• nervous
• angry
• puzzled

  Next, we identify the need and ask for what we need.  Examples are:

• celebration
• creativity
• meaning
• acceptance
• community
  
• appreciation
• love
• trust
• peace
  
• rest
• air
  
• food
• movement

And then, we make a request of the other person.  I would like you to....(specific action).  It is important that it be a request and not a demand.  Which means that I need to be open to the possibility that the other person may say no. People do not respond well to demands.

I had the opportunity in my classes to observe some really talented mediators using this technique and it was fascinating.  I also really enjoy using it in my every day life.  When I can remember and do it right, it is very effective.

3. Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

Kristin Hannah is an excellent writer who blends my two favorite genres: romance and spirituality.  It was tough choosing a favorite book of hers.  Firefly Lane is first and foremost about a friendship between two women.  I really value my friendships and loved reading about a friendship that spanned three decades of their life.  I also love fireflies.  I grew up in the Midwest and fireflies are something I miss here in California. They are so spectacular to watch, especially out in the country in the Missouri Ozarks. 

When she discusses the lifelong friendship, she goes through all the emotions and roller coasters that life long friendships entail including:  the negative emotions of jealousy, anger, resentment and all the wonderful emotions of joy, happiness, and love.  They fall in love, of course, and one woman focuses more on her career while the other wants to become a wife and mother.  It is beautifully written--a real gem.

4. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

 

When this book came out by Elizabeth Gilbert, everyone I knew was reading it. It became a phenomenon.  This is a true life story about a woman who gets divorced and goes on an adventure to find herself.  She eats her way through Italy, goes to an ashram for several months in India and then falls in love in Indonesia. 

The book opens with a conversation with her husband and she is so totally crushed about the relationship that she is crying in the bathroom.  She is trying to figure it out in her mind what to do, when she hears the voice of God telling her "Go back to bed Liz".  God is letting her know that she can't figure it all out.  She just needs to trust that it will all unfold in the right time and the right way.  Later in the book, she is having trouble getting her husband to sign a divorce petition.  So, traveling in a car with a friend, she writes this petition to God. 

Dear God,

Please intervene and help end this divorce. My husband and I have failed at our marriage and now we are failing at our divorce. This poisonous process is bringing suffering to us and to everyone who cares about us.

I recognize that you are busy with wars and tragedies and much larger conflicts than the ongoing dispute of one dysfunctional couple. But it is my understanding that the health of the planet is affected by the health of every individual on it. As long as even two souls are locked in conflict, the whole of the world is contaminated by it. Similarly, if even one or two souls can be free from discord, this will increase the general health of the whole world, the way a few healthy cells in a body can increase the general health of the body.It is my most humble request, then, that you help us end this conflict so that two more people can have the chance to become free and healthy and so  there will be just a little bit less animosity and bitterness in the world that is already far too troubled by suffering.  I thank you for your kind attention. 

Sincerely,

Elizabeth M. Gilbert

After she writes it, for about an hour with her friend, she names all the people who would sign it and visualizes them signing it.  The names include:  Bill and Hilary Clinton, St. Francis of Assisi, Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, etc.  She takes a nap and her cell phone wakes her up.  It is her lawyer telling her that her husband just signed the divorce petition.

After that night in the bathroom, she knew she wanted a spiritual teacher.  Her journey to finding her teacher is a delightful and fascinating one. The writing is beautiful and full of imagery that makes you want to jump in the pages and join her.

It made me think about my own life, who I am and want I want out of life.  One thing for sure is that I definitely want to go to Italy and India before I die.

5. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd

The Secret Life of Bees is so beautifully written that I can remember closing the book after one chapter so that I could just savor the words and the feelings they brought up in me.

Here is a sample:

"Bees swarm before death...Honestly, I wasn't that disturbed by the idea. Every one of those bees could have descended on me like a flock of angels and stung me till I died and it wouldn't have been the worse thing to happen.  People who think dying is the worse thing don't know a thing about life."

The story is about a girl who lived with an abusive father.  She runs away with a black woman who was their maid and goes to live with her maid's family and falls in love with them.  She finds out this family also took care of her mother.  Her mother died when she was very young.  It is really about love and the depth of healing that love can offer. 

The movie was good, but didn't even compare to the book.  Writing like that is a joy to read.

6. The Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks

I love all the books written by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  Esther Hicks channels an entity called "Abraham".  Abraham is a name for a group of souls from the other side that dispense excellent advice on how to live life.  I have seen Esther in person several times.  She "through Abraham" does a wonderful job of really getting down to the nitty gritty of what life is all about. I like the advice they give and do my best to follow it. 

Having done some channeling myself, I am also aware that at times it is easy to color what comes through with your own personality.  It is interesting to see how Esther deals with this. 

There has also been a great deal of controversy about how Rhonda Byrne who wrote the book The Secret, which has been so wildly successful, stole the ideas from Abraham-Hicks and then wrote them out of the script after they had participated in the movie. Here is what Jerry and Esther have to say about that:

Now, it seems there is quite a firestorm surrounding our dis-involvement with "The Secret". We are receiving so many emails and letters and face-to-face questions from disappointed people regarding this, so we want you to understand how we feel about it.

We think that "The Secret" clearly and beautifully presents Abraham's Law of Attraction in a way that is easy to understand. It is filled with stunning beauty and beautiful people, many of whom are our personal friends. We love the way "The Secret" moves us, and we feel joy rise within our hearts every time we watch it. We feel the power of it, and the clarity of it, and we love "The Secret".

It is our desire that, rather than being upset that our part of "The Secret" will be omitted in future offerings of it, that instead you enjoy the original Abraham version, as it is, at this time, and that you look forward to what other incredible things these talented people may bring to you. These are people who clearly care about the planet, who want to be of value, and who, in our opinion, are of tremendous value.

Financially speaking, we have been very well paid for our participation with this project which has amounted to a staggering amount of money. And if money were the most important factor, we assure you, we would have found some way of staying involved.

So, we're out here doing our thing, enjoying the incredible expansion of the message of Abraham, and are so looking forward to the wonderful things that are in our future. Abraham says to us and to you:

It is our desire that you be easy about all of this. There is nothing that has gone wrong here. Everything is in alignment. The Universe will offer a steady stream of uplifting avenues to all of you.

There is great love here for you, Abraham.

The Vortex is a book that focuses on relationships and how to have good ones.  It is an amazing study about a subject that I am endlessly fascinated with.  The Vortex is a place that you can get to (and they have many techniques to get there).  When you arrive there, you have a good feeling about life and everything flows beautifully.  When you are not in the vortex, your sole goal is to get back in there.  Often this means letting go of focusing on what is happening right now if it is does not feel good.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"The most dominant premise that is misunderstood in your physical reality is that when someone performs something that you disapprove of, it is a good idea for you to point it out, or you might get more of it...the more you point at what you do not want, the more you hold yourself in a consistent pattern of Vibration which disallows what you do want."

"...people will come to the realization that what they have been long seeking is not a change in the behavior of others, or in the world outside of them--over which they have no control--but, instead, an understanding of their own Vibrational relationship with Source over which they have complete control."  

" Source never withdraws love or offers condemnation.  Ever!"

"Talk about what you do want; and discontinue dialogue about any unwanted experiences, situations or results"

"The more you think of things that please you, the better you will feel.  The better you feel, the better things will go for you."

These concepts are very powerful.  I just need to remember to use them.   

7. Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason by Caroline Myss

 

This is Caroline Myss' most recent book published last month, November 2009.  I wrote about the book in another blog called "Reverence".  It is my favorite book for this year. 

Caroline challenges the conventional approach to healing, which maintains that we can always find reasons for why things happen as they do.  We can't.  We need to look for deeper truths.  Caroline Myss is a medical intuitive.  That means she can do a reading on a person (like a psychic) but she focuses the reading on your physical health.

In order to receive a mystical healing, Myss believes you need to let go of reason and logic and rely on the engagement of the soul.  Defying gravity refers to breaking through the boundaries of ordinary thought.  Instead you use the power of grace.

This book was especially powerful for me to read this year when I have been struggling with a diagnosis of "osteoarthritis" in my left knee and "plantar fasciitis" in my right foot.  After Western medicine told me there was no way that I could heal my arthritis and the cartilage in my knee would never come back, I found an amazing MD from China who told me the opposite.  She said it was completely possible for the cartilage to regenerate and for my bone to regenerate as well. 

In addition to acupuncture and Chinese herbs with my Chinese doctor, I have also been doing inner work on my own healing.  As Myss says in her book:

" ..healing is not about the the illness or crisis that has befallen you.  Healing is about your capacity to engage in your own transformation from fear to courage, from holding on to the past to letting go, from living in illusion to embracing truth. Healing is an invitation to enter your own mystical awakening."

My favorite part of the book is the seven graces.  Each section of graces includes a prayer to invoke that grace into your life.  I have always been fascinated with the concept of grace and eager to learn more about it.  The seven graces are:

• reverence
• piety
• understanding
• fortitude
• counsel
• knowledge
• wisdom

All you need to do to receive grace in your life is to pray for it.  Most of us (myself included) rather than asking for help, tend to just prefer to worry.  This is a habit I am determined to change.  Myss says:

"I can't recall a single person who told me that his or her thoughts naturally drifted to gratitude or to an inner reservoir of tranquility.  Our society is weighted in favor of what's wrong, what's in pain, and what's missing in our lives, as opposed to what's right and what is enough...The decision to consciously drift into a field of grace goes against a raging psychic current in the collective unconscious that continually reinforces the negative in our lives."

I am determined to buck the psychic current and defy gravity.

8.  Steering by Starlight:  Finding Your Right Life No Matter What! by Martha Beck

Martha Beck is currently a life coach and also a writer for O, The Oprah Magazine.  A life coach is someone who helps you create the life you have always wanted.  Before she became a life coach, she has been writing for many years.  She went to Harvard and taught at Brigham Young University.  I have read all of her books and love each and every one.  She has an uncanny ability to have you laughing one moment in tears the next.  She has been through some very difficult situations including child abuse, death threats and giving birth to a developmentally disabled son.  She has come through them with dignity and grace and is a great role model about how to handle difficult situations.

The basic premise for the book is that we all have the ability to guide our lives when we get in touch with our Stargazer within. "The Stargazer part of us is the only part that can feel true freedom.  But it also perceives itself as connected to all that is." A part of the book that I refer back to often discusses dream analysis.  You keep a dream journal and then, based on the theory of Carl Jung, you act out all parts of the dream. She takes you through the process step by step until the meaning of your dream unfolds.  One of my favorite parts was giving a title to the dream.  That often brought instant insight and guidance.

Beck said that long time ago her Stargazer told her she was supposed to be a writer, but she was scared to embrace it.  At the time she was working at Harvard and here was her perspective:

"Even when I said the truth right out loud,  I didn't let myself embrace it--or even fully know it--because in the region of the shallows known as the Ivy League, writing self-help books is about six notches below pole dancing on the scale of respectable professions."

Eventually, though, writing self help books is what she did.  Martha was not able to escape her destiny as a writer and for that I am very grateful. This past summer, I had the opportunity to hear her speak and she is just as funny and fascinating in person as she is in her writing.  She closes this wonderful book with the following poem:

Live while you are alive...

Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit

Learn to free yourself from all things that have molded you

And which limit your secret and undiscovered road...

Never forget that love

Requires that you be

The greatest person you are capable of being,

Self-generating and strong and gentle--

Your own hero and star...

Be grateful for life as you live it,

And may a wonderful light

Always guide you along the unfolding road.

9. Naked in Death by J.D. Robb

Nora Roberts is probably one of the most prolific romance authors in the United States.  She also writes a futuristic series under the pen name of "JD Robb".  I love all of the books in the "in death" series.  There are about 25 books in the series and all the titles end with the words "in death".  It is best to read the series in order.  That is why I am recommending the first book--Naked in Death.

The heroine of the series is Eve Dallas.  She got her name when she was found at eight years old in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas after she killed her father who was abusing her.  The stories take place in the decade of 2050 when Eve is now married to a handsome Scotsman named Roarke.   Eve is now a homicide detective on the police force who is fighting for victims' rights.

I often will borrow the audio version from the library and they are all narrated by Susan Ericksen who does a stellar job of bringing to life the main characters in the series.  My favorite is her voice for Peabody who is another woman detective who works with Eve.  Also favorites of mine are Dr. Mira, Eve's therapist,  Summerset, the butler, Mavis Freestone, her good friend and Nadine Furst, news reporter.

Eve’s detective work takes place in a world that contains droids who handle most routine activities, Auto-Chefs that instantly produce requested food and airbuses that take commuters to and from work.  It is really fun to see what gadget from the future she will be introducing next.  The whole series is a very satisfying read.

10. Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life:  Living the Wisdom of the Tao by Dr. Wayne Dyer

In this book, Dr. Wayne Dyer interprets the classic Tao Te Ching written by Lao -tzu in 500 B.C. There are 81 verses in the Tao Te Ching commenting on our existence.  It offers spiritual advice that is balanced, moral and concerned about the highest good for all. 

Wayne Dyer spent one year reading, researching the Tao and practicing it every day.  He recorded his insights in this book.  It is a book to be savored and read slowly --one verse a day.  Here is an example of one verse from the Tao:

67th Verse

All the world talks about my Tao
with such familiarity
what folly!
The Tao is not something found at the marketplace
or passed from father to son.
It is not something gained by knowing
or lost by forgetting
If the Tao were like this,
It would have been lost and forgotten long ago.

I have three treasures, which I hold fast
and watch closely
The first is mercy.
The second is frugality.
The third is humility.

From mercy comes courage,
From frugality comes generosity,
From humility comes leadership,
Now if one were bold but had no mercy,
If one were broad but were not frugal,
If one went ahead without humility,
one would die.

Love vanquishes all attackers
it is impregnable in defense
When heaven wants to protect someone,
does it send an army?
No, it protects him with love.

 

Reverence

I am fascinated with Caroline Myss' new book--Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason.  In the book, she talks about the "seven dark passions" which correspond to the "seven deadly sins" that I wrote about in my Yom Kippur blog.  She also discusses the "seven graces" which are fascinating to me.  I love the idea of "living in a field of grace" and allowing grace into my life.   

My mind tends to think about problems when I am alone or doing nothing. I notice I am especially vulnerable in the late night or early morning hours. I also wake up in the middle of the night at times thinking about something I said or did that I feel badly about.  I love the idea of turning that around by learning to call on the seven graces.

Caroline writes:

The decision to consciously drift into a field of grace goes against a raging psychic current in the collective unconscious that continually reinforces the negative in our lives.  Because that psychic current is so strong, the choice to dwell in grace has to be reinforced again and again until it becomes second nature to you.  And then your second nature will gradually take over and that grace will take hold.

The first of the seven graces is:  REVERENCE.

It is hard to capture reverence in a picture.  I took a while looking through google images and picked out this picture below as the best one to express the concept of reverence.

We usually talk about reverence in reference to death.  I like the idea of bringing reverence into my life.

Caroline defines reverence in this way:

In the scriptures, this grace was called "fear of the lord", but that isn't the most effective language...Reverence is the grace that enables us to see that all of life is an interconnected field of cosmic activity that has its origins and endings in divine consciousness...Reverence also leads one ever more deeply into a sense of awe.

 

We usually think of awe in reference to children or babies and it is something we lose or forget about as we grow older.  I really want to bring that sense of awe back into my life because I think it is important to remember that the power of the source, God, or whatever name you have for that is always with us.  It is important to remember that while we are living.

When I look back on my life and events that created a sense of awe or reverence for me, there are several that come to mind.

The first one happened many years ago during my college days when I was experimenting with drugs.  I was in Grinnell, Iowa with several friends and we took a drug.  I believe it was chocolate mescaline.  I want to make it clear here that I do not advocate drug use.  I was in college in the early 70's and there was a short period of time when I experimented with drugs and I have not done so since.  That drug on that day helped me break through the walls I had between myself and the divine and really connected me in with the oneness of all life. I remember looking out onto the fields of green grass in the Midwest and I felt so connected to all of life.  I truly got that we are all one. It was an amazing feeling. 

On my first trip to Hawaii, I remember being on the phone with my husband one day and I told him I had to leave.  When he asked what was happening, I said--"the sunset". I went there with a group of women and we stayed in this beautiful house overlooking the ocean.  Every night we stopped everything to look at the sunset.  It was great to just sit there is silence and experience awe.

 

This particular picture is actually at Key West, Florida.  We went to an island there called Sunset Key just a few minutes away from Key West.  We were the last to leave the island that evening and the boat came to pick us up at sunset.  The boat driver was kind enough to stop and just let us look at the sunset and take pictures.  It was truly amazing.  When we came to shore, we saw hundreds of people lined up on the dock.  We asked the boat driver what was happening and he told us that every evening they have a celebration of the sunset on that dock.  When we got off the boat, we noticed that was true.  There were jugglers and fire eaters and food vendors and hundreds of people celebrating the sunset.  Wouldn't that be great if we had more celebrations of nature like that.  We need to encourage awe more in our culture.

I tend to be more open to awe and reverence more when I am on vacation. I would like to bring it more into my everyday life.  Last night, when I was taking out the garbage, I took some time to look at the stunning array of stars in the sky. It was the perfect temperature and the sky was completely clear. I saw the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper. Those two constellations are about the extent of my knowledge about stars.  But, I am so glad I gave myself a moment to breathe and enjoy the beauty.

 

It is possible to be in awe and experience reverence for things other than nature.  When I received the healing from Francis McNutt after I broke my leg, it was definitely awe inspiring.  My recent struggle with my foot and knee the last few years have reinforced for me that healing is a process and one that needs to be honored.  Instead of fighting the pain, I am much more accepting of it and appreciative for all I still can do.  In addition, I am listening to the pain and any messages it might be giving me and living my life accordingly.  I am in awe of the body and its natural propensity to heal.  

My work with Dr. A continues to astound me.  The acupuncture and the Chinese herbs work so well with the natural healing powers of the body.  The herbs are so different than many prescription medicines that try (mostly in vain) to stop the pain.  When I brew and drink the herbs, my body feels so nourished and blessed. 

I definitely am in awe of the beauty of language.  I remember the moment I fell in love with American Sign Language.  It was in the mid 70s.  I was working in the middle school where I met Michael and there was a young blond girl there who was signing.  She had some concern and was discussing it with the teacher.  Time slowed down and went in slow motion.  While I was watching her sign, I was so mesmerized by the beauty of the language.  It thought about children I had met who were Deaf and did not know sign language and how frustrated they were trying to communicate clearly and not being able to. I knew right then that my career would include this language.

Here is a video by a girl I really adore-Jehanne McCullough.  I have not met her.  I have only seen her on video, but I love her energy.  She is about the same age that the blond girl was that I watched in awe many years ago.  Here she signs a Thanksgiving poem.

Last, but certainly not least, no blog about reverence and awe would be complete without including the birth of my children.  I am blessed to have two wonderful children who have given me so much in the years we have had together.  Adam is 22 and Sarah will be 20 at the end of this month.  I gave birth to both of them at home and they were both natural childbirth--no drugs allowed.

The true spirit and energy of the universe comes through during the birth of a child. I was rapt in my reverence.  Was it easy? No.  But if you were ever wondering what the energy of love and goodness and the essence of Source feels like, birth allows you to feel it for that brief time of labor.  I was in awe of the whole process of pregnancy.  The actual labor and birth of my children and getting to meet them for the first time truly was a miracle.  The power of the Source we all come from was very clear.

I was so grateful to be able to have both my children at home, in my own bed with the lights down low and lay with them and my husband after the doctor and midwife had left.  Adam and Sarah--I love you. 

 

 

Prayer for Reverence (from Caroline Myss' book):

I invoke the grace of Reverence so that I might be one with all life and that my life might serve the whole.  I ask that grace alert me to all that I do that keeps me separated from my vital life force, so that I might make wiser choices.  I ask that this grace alert me to when I am compromising my intuitive guidance because I don't like what I am hearing.  I ask for the courage to hear what I must hear and to act on the guidance given me.

Defying Gravity

Recently I have been dreaming of falling.  A dream that I had several nights ago started out like a  recurring dream.  I am in an elevator, but it was not your normal elevator.  This elevator is like a scary carnival ride.  When I get in, I can only lay down and I feel claustrophobic when I am inside.  The elevator moves all around and I am tossed from side to side.  Sometimes I am hanging upside down.  In many of the dreams, I finally get to the floor, but then I am wandering around not able to find the room or place I am looking for.  In this particular dream, the elevator (it really looks more like a big egg) falls.  It falls straight down and crashes on the ground and then I woke up. It reminded me of the cartoons I used to see as a little girl of the road runner and Wile Coyote.

After Wile Coyote hits the ground and leaves a big hole, in the next frame he is fine.  It is just like nothing has ever happened.  

I did look up on the web to see what it means when you dream of falling.  Here is what it says:

"Falling in dreams represents instability and lack of support. You're likely to have this dream when you feel like someone or something just pulled the ground out from under your feet. Maybe you just lost your job, separated from your spouse or got divorced. Or maybe you're reeling from the trauma of a friend or loved one dying. Whatever the case, you're in a state of suspense, and don't know where you're going to land. To get both feet back on the ground, think about your goals, and the steps you can take to achieve them. Now's the time to plan for your future. Make smart decisions, and take care of number one. "

It is true that I am at a crossroads in my life.  After raising two wonderful children and working and going to school, I find myself for the first time since I can remember--alone with time on my hands.  Michael just got promoted to vice-president of his company and is out-of-town for most of the time. I am only working part-time.  So the question is--what do I want to do with my precious time?

I am traditionally a woman who likes to keep busy--very busy. I have been getting messages for a long time that I need to slow down.  I guess it has happened.   I have the sense that I may not have this time for very long and I want to appreciate every moment.  

I am not a traditional goal setter.  I have read many books on goal setting and have written them down and made an action plan.  I realized that is not my style.  I prefer to do it backwards.  I take some time to go within and ask for what the next step is for me and then when I receive the information and act on it.  It feels like an unfolding from the inside out.  The challenge with this process is that the information does not always come in the time frame I want it.  Or, when I get a message, I don't always understand it.  If I notice myself trying to "figure it out", I do my best to let that go.   The main messages I have gotten so far are:

• Write a blog
• continue studying to improve my signing skills
• spend time alone

This last one is the strongest.  It feels like I need to spend as much time alone as possible.  There is a huge hunger there--like days and weeks and months alone would not be enough. 

When I think about getting "both feet on the ground", it conjures up interesting images in my mind.

With a bone spur in my right foot and arthritis in my left knee, it is painful to walk and stand. I have my own theory about why that has happened.  Many years ago, thirty three years ago to be exact, I was hit by a car and broke my left leg.  I was going to school at the University of Missouri in Columbia, Missouri at the time.  I was on the wrong path and I knew it.  I was hanging out with a woman who was taking heroine.  I was not doing drugs myself, but I was fascinated with her and her life and would spend hours talking with her.  Anyway, one day I got a call from her saying that she was at a funeral of a friend and she had called home to check on her daughter and no one answered the phone and she was worried.  I went to her house and found her daughter there with no diapers and the person who was supposed to be watching her passed out on the floor.  I picked up her daughter to go out to the store.  It was a nasty winter day in Missouri and the streets and sidewalks were covered with ice. As we went outside, there was a steep driveway I had to walk down.  At the very end of the driveway, I lost my balance and flew into the street.  A taxi came around the corner and hit me and the baby.  The baby, by some miracle, landed on the hood of the car and was fine.  I broke my leg. At the time, I was so thrilled the baby was all right.  That was the main thing.  I don't know how I would have gone on if anything has happened to her. 

My left leg was shorter after the accident and I put a half an inch lift in my left shoe.  About five years ago, I got some body work and thought my leg was extended and so I took out the lift.  I have since found out that my left femur has been shortened and it cannot be extended.  The lifts are back in.  But, the result of all of this is the bone spur and the damaged knee.  

I have many wonderful people who are working with me to help me heal.  One of them is my Feldenkrais worker.  She had me walk and close my eyes and get a sense of how my feet were feeling when they touched the ground.  My left foot did not feel grounded at all.  I was walking, but it almost felt like it wasn't even touching the ground.  There was no sense of gravity or groundedness.

One of my favorite authors, Caroline Myss, has a new book coming out called "Defy Gravity". In discussing her new book she says:

"This knowledge holds the key to understanding what it means to defy gravity and break through the boundaries of ordinary thought.  You can heal any illness. You can channel grace. And you can learn to live fearlessly."

I love that last line.  What powerful thinking. 

Taking time alone does feel like defying gravity.  After so many years of raising children and working and running a business with my husband, the pull is very strong to do---more, something else, fill up my time.  To sit and wait and be does not feel natural.  Yet, right now, I know it is the right choice and the most empowering thing I can do.